



■<t, ♦.-.-.•' .** 



^ 




w ." 



°* •" f° ^- 



* ,Wa'. ^, <*' .*. 



**«? 











^ ^ 
W 







*\ V,* 1 


















"fev* :£H^ '^o* :i 



^oV^ 



4C 



>_ v _** .vster. ^ ^ *«to ^ c^ .voter. ^ ^ .: 



■* 
















V 











1 vI^L'* ^ 




IP**. 













v/ /^sto\ v.** -k%^. v^ /*ste\ v> ^Va\ 




The Proposal. 



Our Social Customs. 



A Practical Guide to Deportment, Easy 
Manners, and Social Etiquette. 






by y i ? 3V *A/ 

DAPHNE DALE. fJL - 



W. B. CONKEY COMPANY, Publishers, 

CHICAGO, ILL. 

1895. 



<? 



f 



m 



V 



COPYRIGHT, 1895, 

BY 

ROBT. O. LAW. 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 






INTRODUCTION. 



In a preface the author is privileged to communicate to the 
public thoughts which do not properly belong in the text of the 
book. Of this privilege I avail myself. 

In naming this volume the same feelings have been with 
me that come to every mother in choosing a name for her babe. 
She selects and rejects, again and again, hoping to hit the one 
most appropriate and pleasing. 

I once thought of calling it My Confidential Friend, for 
such it must become to every reader. This name seemed es- 
pecially appropriate, for only from a guide like this would we 
feel, considering our sensitive natures, like accepting advice and 
hints as plain-spoken as this book contains. No friend, no matter 
how well-meaning his intentions, could proffer us advice of this 
nature without causing in us some tinge of resentment. While 
rejecting this title, I still desire that the book be considered a 
confidential friend in the sense above stated. 

My next impulse was to name the volume " Our Home and 
Its Culture," for this purpose was uppermost in my mind 
while preparing it for the public. Many good influences are now 
being brought to bear, tending to improve and elevate the home 



i 



IO INTRODUCTION. 

and its environments, and to add my mite has been my desire. 
Dropping this title for the reason that it did not cover all the 
topics treated of, I selected the one the cover now bears, " Our 
Manners and Social Customs/' Yet it is amiss in that it smacks 
too much of cold facts or reminds us of the laws of the statute 
books, which simply point out the misdemeanors, whereas our 
aim is to guide to and make it possible for each reader to place 
himself on the highest plane attained by culture and refinement 

DAPHNE DALE. 



CONTENTS. 



ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS 21 

HOME 33 

Influence of Home 39 

Great Responsibility . , 39 

Making Home Attractive 40 

Duties op a Wife 40 

Owes first Duty to Home 41 

Strives to Please 41 

Avoids Confidants 42 

Practices Economy 42 

Home Adornments 43 

Avoids Bickerings 43 

Commanding Respect 44 

Duties of a Husband 45 

Self -Control 45 

Accompanyiug the Wife to Church 46 

Make a Confidant of the Wife 46 

Do not Interfere with Household Management 47 

Words of Encouragement 47 

' Be Amiable and Agreeable 48 

BOYS 51 

Classifying Boys 53 

The Wild Boy 55 

The Tame Boy 57 

The Studious Boy 58 

The Cruel Boy 59 

The Eye the Window of the Soul 59 

Be a True Parent to the Boy 60 

Boys must Battle in Life , 62 

Poverty No Barrier 64 

GIRLS 67 

A Mother's Responsibility 70 

Take your Daughter into your Confidence 72 

11 



12 CONTENTS. 

Chaperons 73 

Teach thern Self-reliance 73 

A Girl's Duty to her Mother and Home 74 

Frequently only Ornamental 75 

Sterling Worth 76 

COURTSHIP 79 

Choosing a Mate 82 

Manhood and Womanhood the Basis 83 

Married People Meet Adversity Best '. . &*- 

Choose Judiciously 86 

Be Circumspect 85 

Be not too Hasty 87 

Love at first Sight 87 

The Coquette 87 

Be Frank and Honest 88 

The Rejected Suitor 89 

Do not provoke Lover's Quarrels 90 

Proposing 90 

Consulting Her Parents 92 

The Engagement Ring 6 „ 94 

Conduct during Engagement 94 

The Domineering Lover 96 

Broken Engagements 96 

WEDDINGS „ 99 

Rites and Ceremonies 101 

Bridesmaids 102 

Groomsmen 103 

Congratulations 103 

Church Weddings 103 

Wedding Cards 104 

Calling on Newly Wedded Couples 105 

Returning Visits 105 

Additional Hints 106 

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES 109 

The Invitations 112 

The Golden Wedding 112 

The Gifts Appropriate 113 

Sometimes Sad , 113 

Silver Wedding 114 

The Cards and Presents 114 

The Entertainment 114 

The Crystal Wedding 115 



CONTENTS. 13 

The Tin Wedding 115 

The Wooden Wedding 115 

The Ceremonies, Gifts, etc 116 

INTRODUCTIONS 119 

Be sure the introduction is Agreeable 123 

Host and Hostess Introduce 124 

Introductions at Balls 124 

Forms of Introductions 124 

Offering the Hand 126 

Honoring Introductions 126 

When Introductions are not Obligatory 127 

Always Introduce Guests 127 

Additional Hints 128 

STREET ETIQUETTE 131 

Recognizing Friends 133 

Which Side of Pavement to Take 134 

Stopping Acquaintances on Street 134 

Offering Assistance 135 

The Use of Umbrellas 135 

Never Stop Lady on the Street 135 

Offering the Arm 135 

How to Cross a Narrow Crossing 136 

Ascending and Descending Stairs 136 

Smoking in Presence of Ladies 136 

Shopping 137 

Street Attire 139 

Form no Street Acquaintance 139 

Ladies alone at Night 139 

Additional Notes 140 

RIDING AND DRIVING 141 

Gentle Mount 143 

Punctuality 144 

Assisting Lady to Mount 144 

On the Road , 145 

Assisting Lady to Dismount 145 

The Seat of Honor 146 

How to get in or out of Carriage 140 

Setting the Pace 147 

Who shall Hold the reins 150 

TRAVELING 151 

Travel a great Civilizer 153 

111 Breeding shows Itself 154 



14 CONTENTS. 

Being Polite 154 

Offering and Accepting Courtesies 155 

Gentlemen Smoking 155 

Opening and Closing Windows 156 

When a Lady may accept Courtesies 156 

Lady with Escort 157 

Tickets and Baggage 158 

At the Hotel 158 

Additional Hints 159 

Sleeping Car .-.. 159 

Securing and Occupying Seat 160 

On Board Steamer 161 

Being Sociable 161 

Conversation 162 

Traveling Abroad 162 

Making Comparisons 162 

PUBLIC PLACES 165 

Subdued, Beserved Manner 167 

The Church 167 

Reaching the Pew 168 

Use of Pews 168 

Conformity to mode of Worship 169 

Never go Late 169 

Additional Hints 170 

Places of Amusement 170 

Duty of Escort 171 

Complete Quiet should be Maintained 171 

The Promenade between Acts 172 

Joining a Theatre Party 172 

After-Theatre Calls 173 

Inviting the Third Party 173 

Church Fairs and Church Bazaars 173 

Asking for Change 174 

Deportment of Lady 174 

Under the Greenwood Tree 175 

Must be Plenty to Eat 175 

Providing .Conveyances 176 

The Popular Picnic * f6 

Ladies furnish the Dinner 177 

Gentlemen make all Arrangements 177 

After-Dinner Entertainment 178 

Duty of Gentlemen to Entertain 178 



! 



CONTENTS. 1 5 

Great Latitude in Dress 179 

The Etiquette op Boating 179 

Assisting Ladies to their Seats 179 

Who Should Row 180 

A Popular Exercise 180 

The Dress 180 

In the Gallery and Studio 181 

Invitations necessary 181 

Proper Decorum in Studio 181 

Pricing Paintings 182 

Rude to Criticise Artist's Work 183 

Sitting for Portrait 183 

Additional Hints 183 

HOTELS 185 

Ignorance betrays at once 187 

Advice to Gentlemen « 188 

Advice to Ladies 189 

Arriving at Hotel 189 

Go and Come Quietly 189 

Recognizing Friends 190 

At Meals 190 

In the Parlor 191 

Additional Hints 191 

THE TABLE 193 

General Hints , 198 

Begin to Eat as soon as Helped 202 

Knife, Fork and Spoon 202 

Eating Asparagus 203 

Eating Cherries, Plums, etc 203 

Finger Bowls 203 

Conversation 203 

DINNERS 205 

Dinner-Giving 209 

Number of Guests 210 

Seating Guests 210 

Conversation 211 

Young Guests Spoil a Dinner Party 212 

Dishes not Placed on Table 212 

The Table 212 

The Dining-Room 213 

The Servants 213 

Grace 214 



1 6 CONTENTS. 

Prolonged Wine-drinking Condemned 214 

Length of Dinner 214 

The Eye should have a Feast 215 

A. Vexed Question 215 

Some Golden Kules 216 

Where Old Eules Prevail 217 

Duties of Hostess 218 

Duties of Host 218 

BALLS 221 

Wall-flowers 223 

Assemble at 10 o'clock 223 

Eeceiving Guests 223 

Gentleman Escorting Lady , 224 

Gentleman Unaccompanied by Lady 224 

Etiquette of Ball Room 224 

Securing Partners 225 

Supper at Midnight 22V 

Escorting Lady Home 227 

Additional Hints 227 

PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENT. 229 

Receiving Guests 231 

Avoid Fussiness , 232 

Entertaining 232 

Hostess sees that Conversation does not Drag 232 

Music and Dancing 233 

Ices 233 

Inviting Guests to Sing or Play 233 

Preserving Order 234 

Gentleman Escorts Lady to Piano 234 

Playing an Accompaniment 235 

Private Theatricals 235 

Conversation 235 

Making Comments on Instruments ' ... 236 

Turning Music 236 

Hostess makes Programme 236 

The Hours for Private Theatricals 237 

Refreshments 237 

Great Tact Required 237 

Much of your Pleasure depends upon Yourself 238 

FUNERALS 239 

An Occasion of Sorrow 243 

Avoid too Great Display 244 



CONTENTS. 1 7 

Funeral Director 245 

Announcement 245 

Order of Carriages 245 

Order at Funerals 246 

Do not Arrive too Early 246 

Viewing the Kemains 247 

Order of Departure 247 

At the Grave 247 

Uncovering the Head 248 

The Use of Flowers 248 

Pall-bearers 248 

Gloves and Crape 249 

Visits of Condolence 249 

Death of Members of a Society 249 

Additional Notes 250 

MOUKNING 251 

Period of Mourning 254 

Seclusion from Society 255 

Gentlemen in Mourning 255 

Children in Mourning 255 

Additional Notes 256 

CALLS AND VISITS 257 

Morning Calls 259 

Returning Visits 259 

Visits of Ceremony 259 

Never keep Visitor waiting 260 

Gentlemen's Morning Calls 260 

J Pay Respects first to Hostess 261 

Introductions 261 

Departing 261 

Duties of Hostess 262 

Hints on Dress 262 

Visits of Friendship 263 

In England 263 

Hospitality 264 

Duties of Guest 264 

Entertaining Guest 266 

Additional Hints 266 

CONVERSATION 269 

An Entertaining Talker the result of Study 273 

A Full Mind and Confidence 274 

The Art of Listening 275 



i 



1 8 CONTENTS. 

Proper Subjects for Conversation 276 

Avoid Talking Shop 277 

Carefully avoid your " Hobby " 278 

Wit that Wounds 279 

Do not Interrupt a Speaker , 279 

Manner of Speaking 279 

Thinking Twice 280 

Keep your Temper 280 

Do not Comment on infirmities of others 280 

The Abject Man 281 

Moderate your Expressions 281 

Additional Hints 282 

LETTERS 285 

The Modern Style . . . 287 

Penmanship 288 

Stationery 289 

Folding, Sealing and Stamping 290 

A Questionable Improvement 290 

Use Black Ink 291 

Writing Notes 291 

How to begin a Letter 291 

The Closing of a Letter 292 

Neatness , 292 

Underscoring. 292 

Mourning Paper 293 

Enclosing Stamps 293 

Never Display Ill-temper in a Letter 293 

Every Letter should be Answered 293 

Never use Scraps of Paper 294 

Additional Hints 294 

INVITATIONS 295 

In whose Name to issue Invitations 297 

Answering Invitations 297 

Keeping the Engagement , 298 

When Father entertains for Daughter, etc 298 

Invitation to "At Homes" 298 

Forms of Invitations 299 

Invitations Two Weeks in Advance 300 

When Invitations must include Husband and Wife... 300 

How to send Invitations 300 

Stationery 301 

Replying to Invitations 301 



CONTENTS. 19 

Invitations to Persons in Mourning 302 

Invitations to Members of Large Family , 302 

Additional Notes 302 

DRESS 305 

The Bath 307 

The Teeth 308 

The Hands 308 

The Hair... , 309 

The Complexion 309 

The Attire 310 

Avoid Extremes 310 

Selecting Materials 310 

Avoid trying Contrasts in Colors „ 311 

Neatness and Elegance 311 

The Low-necked Dress 312 

Plain Satins and Velvets, etc 312 

Lacing 312 

Study Harmony of Colors 312 

WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE 315 

President and Family 317 

Washington Society 317 

Official Rank 318 

Official Calls 320 

Reception Days 321 

Etiquette of Receptions 322 

The White House 323 

Social Etiquette under President Jefferson 324 

STATIONERY 327 

Invitation to a Church Wedding 329 

Invitation to a Home Wedding 330 

Announcement of Marriage 331 

Formal Invitation to Dinner 332 

Informal Dinner Invitation 333 

An Informal Regret to Dinner 334 

Formal Acceptance, Dinner Invitation 335 

An Invitation to Tea 336 

Blank Card for Dinner Invitations 336 

Invitation to Theatre Party 337 

Invitation to Breakfast 337 

Invitation to Small Dance 338 

Present Styles in Cards 339 



Our Manners and Social Customs, 



ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 

It is a curious and interesting fact that nearly all our 
social customs and ceremonials bad their origin in militant 
times, and are referable to the practices of sanguinary 
savages. The polite bow of the modern Chesterfield is at best 
an elegant reminiscence of the servile prostration of some 
remote captive before his captor. Ceremonial forms have 
been naturally initiated by the relation of conqueror and con- 
quered. From the whipped cur which, crawling on its belly, 
licks its master's hand, to the courtier who kneels before his 
king and kisses the royal fingers, may seem a long step, yet 
the connection between the two acts is clear. Both imply 
submission and their historic relation is almost obvious. 

When the gentleman nods his head to a friend or an 
acquaintance he may not be aware of its primary significance. 
Yet it plainly refers to an act of submission on the part of 
an inferior to a superior. The savage captor cut off his cap- 
tive's head. Sometimes he preferred to enslave his victim, 
and so spared him, merely requiring him to prostrate himself 
in the attitude of one about to be beheaded. Eventually this 
latter practice prevailed. The conquered were not slain, but 

held in bondage, the conqueror being propitiated by an offer 
2 



2 2 ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 

of their heads, signified at first by a complete prostration and 
successively by kneeling and by profound inclinations of the 
body. The evolution to the present form of the ceremony is 
clearly traceable through many modifications and variations; 
and when you nod to a friend you signify that your head is 
his if he chooses to take it. 

And when the hat is lifted something of a similar nature 
is implied. The conquered man, prostrate before his con- 
queror, and becoming himself a possession, simultaneously 
loses possession of whatever things he has about him ; and 
therefore, surrendering his weapons, he also yields up, if the 
victor demands it, whatever part of his dress is worth taking. 
Hence the nakedness, partial or complete, of the captive, be- 
comes additional evidence of his subjugation. That it was 
so regarded of old in the East, there is clear proof. In Isaiah 
xx : 2-4, we read : "And the Lord said, like as my servant 
Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years for a 
sign ... so shall the king of Assyria lead away the 
Egyptians prisoners, and the Egyptians captives, young and 
old, naked and barefoot." The Assyrians completely stripped 
their captives ; and in the Afghan war the Afreedees were 
reported to have stripped certain of their prisoners. Naturally, 
then, the taking off and yielding up of clothing becomes a 
mark of political submission, and in some cases even a com- 
plimentary observance, as in Fiji and Tahiti. In Samoa the 
complimentary act of unclothing is greatly abridged ; only 
the girdle is removed. 

With such facts before us, we can scarcely doubt that 



ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 23 

surrender of clothing originates those obeisances which are 
made by uncovering the body more or less extensively. All 
degrees of uncovering have this meaning. The unhatting in 
England and America is equivalent to the uncloaking which is 
observed in Spain and the disrobing prevalent in less civil- 
ized communities ; and all these are merely remnants of that 
process of unclothing himself by which, in early times, the 
captive expressed the yielding up of all he had. 

The origin of handshaking is not less interesting. The 
inferior, as a token of subjection, offers to kiss a superior's 
hand/ This offer is resisted by the superior, if he is con- 
descending, and a conflict ensues, terminating in the inferior 
kissing his own hand to the superior. "Two Arabs of the 
desert, meeting," says Niebuhr, "shake hands more than ten 
times. Each kisses his own hand, and still repeats the 
question, 'How art thou ?' . . . In Yemen, each does as 
if he wished the other's hand, and draws back his own to 
avoid receiving the same honor. At length to end the con- 
test,- the eldest of the two suffers the other to kiss his fingers/ 
And here, according to Herbert Spencer, we find the origin 
of shaking hands. "If of two persons each wishes to make 
an obeisance to the other by kissing his hand, and each out 
of compliment refuses to have his own hand kissed, what will 
happen?" he inquires. "Just as when leaving a room, each 
of two persons, proposing to give the other precedence, will 
refuse to go first, and there will result at the doorway some 
conflict of movements, preventing either from advancing ; so 
if each of two tries to kiss the other's hand, and refuses to 



t * 



24 



ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 



have his own kissed, there will result a raising of the hand 
of each by the other toward his own lips, and by the other 
of a drawing of it down again, and so on alternately. Though 
at first such an action will be irregular," he continues, "yet 
as fast as the usage spreads, and the failure of either to kiss 
the other's hand becomes a recognized issue, the motions may 
be expected to grow regular and rhythmical. Clearly the 
difference between the simple squeeze, to which this salute 
is now often abridged, and the old-fashioned hearty shake, 
exceeds the differences between the hearty shake and the 
movement that would result from the effort of each to kiss 
the hand of the other. " 

But even in the absence of this clue yielded by the Arab 
custom, we should be obliged to infer some such genesis. No 
one can suppose, in view of all the facts, that hand-shaking 
was ever deliberately fixed upon as a complimentary observ- 
ance, and if it had a natural origin in some act which, like 
bowing and unhatting, expressed subjection, the act of kiss- 
ing the hand must be assumed as alone capable of leading 
to it. 

The custom of exchanging presents, however, had its 
genesis in a natural desire to please. Travelers coming in 
contact with strange peoples, habitually propitiate them with 
gifts, by which two results are achieved. Gratification 
caused by the worth of the thing given tends to beget a 
friendly mood in the person approached; and there is a 
tacit expression of the donor's desire to please, which has a 
like effect. 



ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 25 

But there is a very clear relation between mutilation 
and presents — between offering a part of the body and offer- 
ing something else. The savage conqueror was propitiated 
by the conquered, first by yielding his entire person ; then by 
yielding some portion of it, as a hand, a finger, or an ear ; 
and finally by yielding some valuable possession, as his dress, 
his ornaments, or his weapons. Gradually the act of presen- 
tation passed into a ceremony expressing the wish to concili- 
ate, thing3 of no intrinsic value being sometimes substituted 
for things of real value. How natural is this substitution of 
a nominal giving for a real giving, where a real giving is im- 
practicable, we are shown even by intelligent animals, as Her- 
bert Spencer has observed. A retriever, accustomed to please 
his master by fetching killed birds, will fall into the habit at 
other times of fetching things to show his desire to please. 
On first seeing in the morning some one he is friendly with, 
he will add to his demonstrations of joy the seeking and 
bringing in his mouth a dead leaf, a twig, or any small avail- 
able object lying near. 

Yet natural as this propitiatory act of present-making is, 
it is worth noticing that among those peoples where militancy 
is not dominant, where the tribes are headless, or where the 
headship is feeble, the giving of gifts does not become an es- 
tablished usage. Along with the absence of strong personal 
rule among wild American and Australian races we find that 
there is a corresponding absence of gift-making as a political 
or social observance. In sharp contrast come accounts of the 
usages of the ancient Mexican and Peruvian civilizations. In 



26 ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. ' 

these militancy was dominant ; personal rule was strong ; and 
no one went to salute his lord or king without a gift in his 
hand. In Tahiti, "whoever asks a favor of a chief, or seeks 
civil intercourse with him, is expected to bring a present." 
And here we see how making presents passes from a volun- 
tary into a compulsory propitiation. The Tahitian chiefs, we 
are told, plundered the plantations of their subjects at will, 
the chiefs taking the property and persons of others by force. 
Hence it becomes manifest that present-making develops into 
the giving of a part to prevent loss of the whole. It is the 
policy at once to satisfy cupidity and to express submission. 
The evidence from all sources implies that from propitia- 
tory presents, voluntary and exceptional to begin with but 
becoming as political power strengthens less voluntary and 
more general, there eventually grow up universal and invol- 
untary contributions — established tribute, and that with the 
rise of currency this passes into taxation. Similarly the 
gratuities of the king to his subject eventually lose their vol- 
untary and exceptional character and become fixed perquisites 
or a settled salary. Judicial services in old times, even in 
England, were to be had only by giving the judge some valu- 
able gift. These gifts were at first voluntary, but they finally 
became compulsory. And so with all other functionaries. 
At first supported by the voluntary presents of those who 
sought their favor, the gifts gradually become compulsory 
and ultimately settled into fixed fees and salaries. Before 
men received wages they were the recipients of largesse from 
kings and dukes and over-lords. Before the judge received 



ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. . ? 

a salary, he took bribes from both sides. And before th iang 
received a revenue from taxes his state was supported t y the 
voluntary offerings of those subjects who sought his imme- 
diate favor. 

Even in its purely social aspect, the custom of present- 
making still retains something of its original character, al- 
though it is chiefly resorted to as an expression of good-will 
or of affection. However, we see in it here and there linger- 
ing traces of its militant associations. Subordinates seek to 
conciliate their superior by a costly gift, accompanied by a 
flattering speech ; the employe courts the favor of the employ- 
er through the medium of a birthday or a wedding present ; 
the political aspirant seeks to open the door of patronage by 
graceful complimentary testimonials to the administrative 
chief who holds the key. 

It will sound strange to many that even the ceremony 
of visiting is of militant origin. It formerly signalized an act 
of submission, rendered by the subject to the sovereign. In 
countries where the social organization is feeble, where per- 
sonal rule is weak, the ceremony of visiting is not common. 
Where power is centralized, it becomes imperative, and it 
becomes an expression of loyalty. As despotism declines 
and industrialism advances, the visit gradually loses its dis- 
tinctive political character, and in the substitution of cards 
for calls, we may observe a growing tendency to dispense with 
it altogether as a formality of social intercourse. 

Equally strange to most readers will appear the state- 
ment that the badges and costumes of civilized society are 



2& ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 

directly traceable to savage habits and customs. The badge 
is derived from the trophy, with which, in the early stage, it 
is identical, and the dress, like the badge, is at first worn 
not for warmth or propriety, but to excite admiration. In- 
deed, it is inferable from certain known facts, that the cos- 
tume is a collateral development of the badge, and the orna- 
ment has the same origin. 

We might trace other modern usages to their source, 
but the foregoing will perhaps suffice to show that our politest 
acts and civilest ceremonies are linked with the rude and 
bloody practices of a savage ancestry. Even the gallant who 
removes his glove to touch the lily hand of his lady love re- 
calls by the act the time when steel gauntlets were the pre- 
vailing fashion. And when he gives his right hand to his 
friend, it is in proof of peace. The right hand is the sword 
hand and its extension is a safe-guard against treachery. 

So also in modern marriage ceremonials there are 
reminiscences and survivals of barbaric practices. Among 
primitive peoples the bride was carried off by force. She be- 
came the captive and by that fact the slave of her savage 
admirer, whose love was fierce even if it were not tender, In 
latter times, when civilization began to dawn, the bride was 
not stolen ; her admirer bought her, sometimes with flocks o* 
herds, in other cases by the rendering of personal services, 
as we read in Genesis xxix: 15-20: "And Laban said unto 
Jacob, because thou art my brother, shouldst thou therefore 
serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be? 
And Laban had two daughters : the name of the elder was 



t)RIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 29 

Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel. Leah was 
tender-eyed; but Eachel was beautiful and well formed. 
And Jacob loved Eachel and said, I will serve theo seven 
years for Rachel, thy youngest daughter, and Laban said, It 
is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to 
another man; abide with me. And Jacob served 
seven years for Rachel, and they seemed unto him but a 
few days, for the love he had to her.' , The wild Indian of 
America to this day exchanges ponies for a bride ; and there 
are not wanting instances of purchase and sale even in much 
higher circles, where American daughters are bartered to 
titled European profligates and to blase millionaires for fam- 
ily advantage. 

That the savage tradition still lingers in the modern eti- 
quette of marriage is variously shown. We even yet say 
that a man "carries away his bride," and we treat the lover 
up till the last vow has been exchanged and the last forms 
complied with as a sort of amicable foe and the object of his 
devotion as a precious trust to be sacredly guarded from him 
who seeks to bear her oif. Thus this theory survives in England 
where only the carriage which bears the newly wed away on 
their honeymoon is furnished by the groom. The other car- 
riages are furnished by the father of the bride, who ac- 
knowledges no proprietorship in his daughters but his own 
until the last act of the ceremony has been concluded. In 
America, in some instances, even this much is not permitted 
to the groom, the father of the bride furnishing the carriage 
that conveys the bride and groom on the first stage of their 
wedding journey. The groom furnishes nothing but the 



30 ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 

ring and the bride's bouquet, with presents for the brides- 
maids and his best man, and some appropriate favor for the 
ushers. He also buys the license and fees the minister. 

But it is not of ancient customs and usages that we de- 
sign to treat, but of their outgrowth in modern manners. 
And who, says Emerson, does not delight in fine manners? 
Their charm, he adds, cannot be predicted or over-stated. 
"Manners," said Edmund Burke, the great English states- 
men, "are of more importance than laws. Upon those in a 
great measure the law depends. The law teaches us but 
here and there, now and then. Manners are what vex and 
sooth, comfort or purify, exalt or debase, barbarize or refine 
us, by a constant, steady, uniform, insensible operation, like 
that of the air we breathe in. They give their whole form 
and color to our lives. According to their quality, they aid 
morals, they supply laws, or they totally destroy them." 

While we have seen that most of our social usages had 
their genesis in militancy and were developed under slavery 
and fear, we must not forget to note the happy transition 
which has brought us to do from generous impulse and 
kindly instinct what our remote ancestry did from baseness 
or compulsion. No doubtful motive discredits the politeness 
that distinguishes refined society. We are not obliging through 
fear or sycophancy. Our cordial hand-shake is a token of 
amity without submission. It expresses both fellowship and 
equality. We assist the fallen, protect the weak and rever- 
ence the aged, not in the hope of reward or for personal 
vain -glory, but in obedience to that New Commandment 
"That ye love one another." 



ORIGIN OF CUSTOMS. 3 1 

And, indeed, a perfect society would be one in which 
this sweetest commandment were the rule of life. We can 
not conceive of really bad manners among people who obey 
this divine injunction. Yet people who actually love one 
another, from inadvertence or want of reflection, may some- 
times appear inconsiderate and even rude, so that the best 
disposed and kindliest hearts need discipline — and where 
shall they get it unless at home ? 

The home influence in the formation of manners is all- 
important. As the twig is bent the tree's inclined, and as 
the boy and girl are trained at home, so will they continue in 
after life. It is hard to make a silk purse out of a sow's 
ear, say the Spanish, and so it is not easy even by the 
gentlest influences of parents and home to refine a coarse 
nature. Yet even the rudest boy and the most hoydenish 
girl are not beyond improvement, if properly handled. The 
obligation rests on every parent to make the most and the 
best of his children in this respect, for their position in life 
will largely depend upon the manner in which they have been 
fitted for the discharge of its duties and the enjoyment of its 
social amenities. 

In the chapters which follow we shall endeavor to enforce 
this obligation upon fathers and mothers, while pointing out 
the relief that govern good society, and at the same time the 
duty of children will be made clear and in like manner 
pressed home upon them. It will rest with the reader whether 
there is profit for him in the precepts and examples here 
brought together into serviceable form. 



Man's greatest strength is shown in standing still: 
The first sure symptom of a mind in health 
Is rest of heart aqd pleasures felt at home. 

~Dv. Young: "Night Thoughts.* 



HOME. 

Home ! There is no word in the English language so 
full of meaning. There is no word that so thrills the wanderer 
and none that carries to his mind a tenderer significance and 
a purer joy. Nor is it to the wanderer alone that it brings 
its freightage of bright memories and sweet suggestions. To 
the tired clerk behind the counter, to the grave judge upon 
the bench, to the plodding plowman in the furrow, to the 
statesman in the halls of legislation, it comes to cheer, to 
strengthen and to bless. 

But the picture were not complete without its shadings 
and backgrounds. It is not to every one that home is a 
shrine. While to many it may mean wife and children and 
light and music, to others it may suggest far different scenes 
and accessories. To one, home means love at the hearth, a 
loaded table, a mansion filled with pictures and the treasures 
of art. To another, it may mean want, "looking out of a 
cheerless fire-grate, kneading hunger in an empty bread tray, 
the damp air shivering with curses." To one, home is the 
center of hope, the object of devotion, the inspiration of en- 
deavor. It is not merely an abiding-place ; it is a kingdom 
where Love sways the scepter with gentle and benignant 
authority. To another it is the resort of misery, the breeding 
place of vice, the nursery of crime. There is no Bible or good 

35 



36 HOME. 

books on the shelf. The children are old before their time, cor- 
rupted with evil and infected with disease. In the background 
stands want, while sin stares from the front. No Sabbath wave 
ever rolls over the door sil]. That home is a furnace for forg- 
ing everlasting chains, and gathering faggots for an unending 
funeral pile. It is spelled with curses, it weeps with ruin, it 
chokes with woe, it sweats with the death agony of despair. 

But it is of the true home that we here desire to speak. It is 
the hearth around which cluster domestic joys that commands 
our thought. It is to a region of sunshine and hope that we in- 
vite your presence. 

To Adam, says Hare, Paradise was a home ; to the good 
among his descendants home is a paradise. And it is at the 
family fireside where a man's real self is disclosed. There he 
throws off the little disguises in which he appears before the 
world and we behold him in his true character. John Howard, 
the philanthropist, as the world saw him, was a man of wide and 
beneficent sympathies. He succeeded in mitigating the horrors 
of prison life and his influence for good extended beyond his 
own country and his own time. Yet John Howard was a tyrant 
in his own home, and by neglect he suffered his son to fall into 
dissolute habits which ended in madness. On the other hand 
we see Burns "convulsed by volcanic passion" a model of do- 
mestic devotion; and Luther, "as wild as the storm that 
uproots the oak" in public, is at home "as gentle as the zephyr 
that dallies with the violet.'' 

Napoleon was tempestuous and tyrannical in camp and 
court, yet more th in one astonished courtier saw him upon 




The Home. 



HOME. 37 

iiis hands and knees in the nursery to which he often escaped 
from the cabinet. 

The Sage of Chelsea was called barbarous in his rude- 
ness before the world, yet to his wife he was the soul of ten- 
derness and chivalric devotion. But illustrations need not be 
multiplied. These suffice to show that men often go about in 
disguises which they lay aside when at home. Before the 
public they pose and attitudinize. In the light of their own 
firesides they stand forth as nature made them. 

Yet not every man puts on a mask when he steps across 
his threshold. Longfellow's books and public acts reflect a 
faithful picture of his private life. Audubon was blessed with 
an even temper which rendered him superior to accidents that 
to another might have brought despair. Having spent years 
in the forest with gun and pencil, bringing down and sketch- 
ing the beautiful birds, till his manuscript was complete, he 
paused for a rest of a few days before having his work printed. 
He left the precious manuscript in a trunk at Philadelphia, 
but in his absence, rats utterly destroyed the results of his 
years of toil. He did not rave nor tear his hair. He was a 
little disappointed, but without the least exhibition of temper, 
he picked up his gun and pencil and again visited the great 
forests of America. Such a man is worth a study. Such a 
life as his is worthy of imitation. He was always unassum- 
ing and he never spoke of his own life but with gratitude to 
heaven that so much of happiness had been his portion. A 
great worker, to him home was a place of rest, of pleasure, of 



LgJHbiW^^tlKWMJW^ 



38 HOME. 

recreation ;— it was the source of inspiration and a refuge 
from the great turbulent world around. 

Consider home as a refuge, and how vigilantly and ten- 
derly it should be guarded ! How carefully should sentinels 
of love and duty hedge it about ! "Life," says Talmage, "is 
the United States army on the national road to Mexico, a long 
march, with ever and anon a skirmish and a battle. At even- 
tide we pitch our tent and stack the arms, we hang up the 
war-cap and lay our heads on the knapsack, and we sleep un- 
til the morning bugle calls us to marching and action. How 
pleasant it is to rehearse the victories and the surprises and 
the attacks of the day, seated by the still camp fires of the 
home circle ! 

"Yea, life is a stormy sea. With shivered masts and 
torn sails, and bulk aleak, we put in at the harbor of home. 
Blessed harbor ! There we go for repairs in the dry dock of 
quiet life. The candle in the window is to the toiling man the 
lighthouse guiding him into port. Children go forth to meet their 
fathers as pilots of the Narrows take the hand of ships. The 
door-sill of the home is the wharf where heavy life is unladen." 

But home is something more than a refuge. It is a cita- 
del of the state. Break up the home and you destroy the 
nation. The st ate is held together by moral principle, and 
that kind of principle is the outgrowth of family relations. 
No home means a wandering life, a wandering life means 
barbarism, and barbarism means unstable government. The 
virtues that cement the home are the strength and the glory 
of the nation, the safeguard of political institutions. 



HOME. 39 

INFLUENCE OF HOME. 

Moreover, home is a school where all virtues are taught 
and practiced. It is the university whence come all the noble 
men and women who adorn the varied walks of life. From 
its sacred precincts every thing that degrades should be shut 
out. All that elevates should be cultivated. "As theKoman 
sentinel stands in front of the city, the sunlight casts his 
shadow upon the wall, and the impression thus made will re- 
main till the elements have dissolved the solid rock." And 
so the lessons of this home school will sink deep into the re- 
ceptive mind of the child. Early impressions will survive 
the mutations of time. Every word or act, every burst of 
temper or harsh look, every gentle glance or amiable deed 
will leave its indelible impress upon the young. How im- 
portant then it is that the curriculum of the home should 
be prudently and prayerfully chosen ! How vital it is that 
every lesson should reflect the good, the true and the beau- 
tiful ! 

GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. 

A fearful responsibility thus rests upon the teachers in 
the home school. It is with them to make or to mar the 
minds entrusted to their charge. They train either to honor 
or to disgrace, to fame or to failure, to heaven or to perdition. 
The responsibility cannot be escaped. The home and the 
street are the formative influences surrounding the child. If 
the attractions of home, if its sympathies and services, are 
wanting, then the street claims its prey. The child becomes 
at once the pupil and the victim of the highway , innocence 



40 HOME. 

learns the tricks of vice , and a sweet vessel is filled witb 
slime and corruption. 

MAKE HOME ATTRACTIVE. 

The home school must be bright. Its attractions should 
out shine those of the outer world. Pictures, music, innocent 
gayeties should charm the wayward fancy of childhood and 
keep it from straying. A dark home makes bad boys and 
bad girls in preparation for bad men and bad women. It is 
therefore our duty to take into our home circles all innocent 
hilarity, all brightness and all good cheer. 

"The little community to which I gave laws," said the 
Vicar of Wakefield, "was regulated in the following manner : 
We all assembled early, and after we had saluted each other 
with proper ceremony (for I always thought fit to keep up 
some mechanical forms of good breeding, without which free- 
dom ever destroys friendship,) we all knelt in gratitude to 
that Being who gave us another day. So also when we part- 
ed for the night." 

Here we have a noble precept and a worthy example. 
The courtesies of society, even in trivial matters, should never 
be omitted ; and the head of that house in which the voice of 
thanksgiving is not heard may not reasonably expect the 
blessings of heaven. 

DUTIES OF A WIFE. 

But it is upon the wife that the happiness of home chief- 
ly depends. It is her privilege and pleasure to promote do- 
mestic felicity and garland her husband's house with the 



HOME. 41 

flowers of a sweet and helpful life. It is to her, therefore, 
that we would first address ourselves, and we would most ear- 
nestly urge her at the very outset, as she enters beneath her 
husband's roof as a bride, to avoid giving the man of her 
choice any cause for complaint in those little details of person- 
al habit and conduct where she is so likely to fail. As a 
sweetheart she has studied to please. As a wife should she 
do less ? Nay, should she not do more ? Has not her vow 
made what was a privilege an imperative duty ? 

OWES FIRST DUTY TO HOME. 

The young wife will find many temptations awaiting her. 
There will be excellent people, with zeal beyond their discre- 
tion, who will assail her with propositions which she should 
not too hastily accept. She will be wanted to devote a por- 
tion of her time to this charity or that. She will be urged to 
become a sshool or district visitor, or there will be sewing cir- 
cles and fairs for which her support will be solicited. These 
are all laudable in themselves, but the young wife will not 
suffer them to engage her thought and leisure without the 
husband's full concurrence. Nor will she go to evening lec- 
tures except in his company. It were a fatal mistake to 
leave him to spend his evenings alone. 

STRIVE TO PLEASE. 

She should wear her good manners at home as well as 

abroad. She can not afford to appear more agreeable in 

company than when she sits at her own fireside. Marriage 

more lhan once has proven a failure simply because the wife 



42 HOME. 

has neglected in the domestic circle the arts of her sex which 
render her an object of admiration in society. Nothing car) 
be more fatuous than the conduct of a young woman whc 
seeks to be admired by the world for her taste and engaging 
manners, or for her skill in music, yet makes no effort to 
render her home attractive. But still that home, whether a 
mansion or a flat, is the very center for her life — -the nuc- 
leus around which her affections should gather, and beyond 
which she has small concerns. 

AVOID CONFIDANTS. 

The confidant is to be studiously avoided. The young 
wife will be on her guard against entrusting any individual 
whatever with the secrets of her domestic annoyances. There 
are those who are ever ready to gain a dangerous ascendancy 
in families by courting the confidence of young wives. Shun 
these as you would a pestilence ; and should any one presume 
to offer you advice with regard to your husband, or seek to 
lessen him in your estimation by insinuations, avoid that per- 
son as you would a serpent. Many a happy home has been 
made desolate by exciting suspicion, or by endeavors to gain 
importance in an artful and insidious manner. 

PRACTICE ECONOMY. 

The young wife can not be too careful in her expendi- 
tures. She should act openly and honorably in all questions 
of money, keeping her accounts with scrupulous accuracy and 
studying her husband's interests in every detail of household 
economy. "My husband works hard for every dollar he 



HOME. 43 

earns," said the young wife of a professional man, as she sat 
sewing a button on her husband's coat, "and it seems to me 
worse than cruel to lay out a dime unnecessarily." This was 
in the right spirit and she must indeed have been a helpmeet 
to the man whose name she bore. No more should be spent 
by the wife for dress than her husband's income will justify 
and the same economy should prevail in furnishing her parlors 
and bedrooms. There should be no concealment in regard 
to money concerns. No important purchase should ever be 
made by the wife without the knowledge and consent of her 
husband. 

HOME ADORNMENTS. 

No effort should be spared in adorning the home and 
the sitting-room above all should be bright and cheerful. 
Natural ornaments and flowers tastefully arranged give an 
air of elegance to a room in which the furniture is far from 
costly; and books judiciously placed uniformly produce a 
good effect. The power of association is very 'great and no 
sensible wife will underestimate the influence on her husband 
of comfortable and tasteful domestic surroundings. 

AVOID BICKERING. 

Nor will she less painstakingly avoid all bickerings. 
What does it signify where a picture hangs, or whether a rose 
or a pink shall be set to adorn the parlor table ? A small 
concession will often prevent a serious misunderstanding ; the 
graceful yielding of a favorite opinion, where neither honor 
nor principle is involved, will promote good feeling and dis- 
arm the hastiest temper. In the woman who is married to a 



44 HOME. 

man disposed to irascibility the wisest discretion is demanded. 
If she fail to command her own temper, that of her husband 
is certain to be tried and bitter heart-burnings will follow. 
She will seek by every possible means to prevent him from 
committing himself in her presence and she will find the re- 
ward of her self-control in an ultimate mastery of his pas- 
sions. She will lead him whither he could not have been 

driven. 

COMMANDING RESPECT. 

The woman who forgets that she is a lady must not ex- 
pect her husband to remember it. If she approve a mean 
action, if she fail in refinement, if she grow careless 
of her conduct, with what reason may she expect to command 
the husband's respect and confidence ? If she lack reverence 
for her self and her exalted position as wife and mother, why 
should she hope to hold the reverential regard of the man who 
sees her moral declension ? The slightest duplicity destroys 
confidence. The least want of refinement in conversation, or 
in the selection of books, lowers a woman, aye, and forever ! 

These few precepts apply to every class of society ; and 
to the woman who shall duly observe them may be accorded 
the beautiful commendation of Solomon when recording the 
words which the mother of King Lemuel taught him : "The 
heart of her husband doth safely trust in her ; she will do him 
good, and not evil, all the days of her life. Strength and 
honor are her clothing: and she shall rejoice in time to come. 
Her children rise up and call her blessed ; her husband also, 
and he praiseth her. " — Prov. xxxi. 




Inviting Grounds. 



HOME. 45 

DUTIES OF THE HUSBAND, 

But if the wife have her duties, so has the husband his. 
The burden, or, rather the privilege, of making home happy 
is not the wife's alone. There is something demanded of the 
lord and master and if he fail in his part, domestic misery 
must follow, let the wife strive for happiness as she will. The 
husband should not forget that his obligation is great. He 
has won a gentle and confiding creature and removed her 
from all she had previously held most dear in association and 
companionship ; he has sworn to love and to cherish, as she 
has sworn to honor and obey ; and it is his high privilege and 
sweet duty to make the new associations and companionship 
all that her fond fancy has pictured them. He should re- 
member when he brings his bride home that he now has com- 
mitted to his charge the happiness of another. Not his own 
convenience and pleasure alone, but the wife's, must be con- 
sulted, kindness and delicate attention are her due, and 
words and acts must be considered with chivalric regard for 
her gentle feelings and sensibitities. 

SELF-CONTROL. 

When small disputes arise, the husband will forbear. 
The wife's good sense must be given a chance to assert itself ; 
and it is the man's prerogative to be strong. The husband 
who fails to master his own temper cannot hope to master 
that of his wife. We must study her happiness without 
yielding to her caprices and in the end he will have no reason 
to regret his self-control. 



46 HOME. 

ACCOMPANY THE WIFE TO CHURCH. 

The considerate husband will never let his wife go to 
church alone on Sunday. It is not a pleasant sight to see a 
young wife going toward the church-door unattended, alone in 
the midst of a crowd, with her thoughts dwelling, it may be 
sadly, on the time when her husband was proud to walk be- 
side her. He ought to remember that the condition of the 
young bride is often a very solitary one, and that for his sake 
she has left her father's roof and the companionship of kin- 
dred and friends. Her days are spent without the light of any 
smile but her husband's and to deny her the courtesy of his 
company when she goes to the house of prayer is surely as 
ungenerous in him as it is unkind. In fact, it is a breach of 
domestic etiquette on the husband's part to stay at home 
while the wife goes forth alone to church. Sunday is the day 
of rest, wisely and mercifully appointed to loose the bonds by 
which men are held to the sordidness of the world; and the 
husband should spend it as becomes the head of a family. 
Let no temptation induce him to wish his wife to relinquish 
attendance upon divine services, merely that she may idle at 
home to beguile his hours. Eeligion is her safeguard and woe 
may be to the husband if he withdraw her from its protection ! 

MAKE A CONFIDENT OF THE WIFE. 

Want of candor often brings its own punishment. Hus- 
bands conceal their affairs, yet expect their wives to act with 
economy and discretion. Is it any wonder that they some- 
tiires jneet disappointment ? The plain duty of the husband 



HOME. 47 

is to make a frank statement of bis income to his wife. Oth- 
erwise she cannot properly regulate her expenses and he will 
be constantly in fear lest she pass the limit of his ability to 
pay. Husband and wife ought to consult as to the sum that 
can be afforded for housekeeping and when this is arranged, 
he will find it advantageous to give into her hands, at stated 
intervals, the money required. 

DO NOT INTERFERE WITH HOUSEHOLD MANAGEMENT. 

The less he interferes with her management of the house- 
hold the better it will be. The home department belongs to 
the wife exclusively ; the husband's province is to rule the 
house— her's to regulate its internal economy. It is true 
that some young wives know little of household concerns. 
They may buy foolishly and waste much by reason of their 
inexperience. But they should be dealt with patiently and 
in good temper. A little advice, kindly and firmly given, will 
soon put them in the right way and keep them there. And 
vyhen the husband observes in his helpmeet a disposition to 
do right, let him not withhold a word of approbation. 

WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. 
Let him be pleased with trifles and commend efforts to 
excel on every fitting occasion. If the wife be diffident, let 
her be encouraged. If she make mistakes, do not appear to 
see them. It is unreasonable to add to the embarrassment of 
her new condition by ridiculing her deficiencies. And do not 
indulge in invidious comparisons. Your mother and sisters 
were undoubtedly superior in household arts, but forbear to 



48 HOME. 

mention the fact. Many a wife has been alienated from her 
husband's family by injudicious and ungenerous references to 
"the way mother did it" and the man who thus wounds a ten- 
der and susceptible heart is unworthy of its devotion. 

BE AMIABLE AND AGREEABLE. 

In conclusion, we urge every young married man who 
wishes to render his home happy, to consider his wife as the 
light of his domestic circle, and to permit no cloud, however 
small, to darken the region in which she reigns. Most women 
are naturally amiable, gentle and compliant ; and if a wife 
becomes perverse and indifferent to her home it is generally 
her husband's fault. He should consult her happiness in 
small things as in great. If she disliises cigars — and few 
young women want their clothes tainted by tobacco — leave 
off smoking ; for at best it is not a desirable habit. Read to 
her, if she desires to hear you. Do not put your feet on a 
chair and go to sleep. If she loves music, take her to the 
concert as you were wont to do when you sought her for a 
bride. The husband may say that he is tired. But was he 
never tired in the courting days ? He may declare he does 
not like music. But did he never discover this tiU 
he was safely married ? Let him practice somewhat of self- 
denial and let him reflect that no one acts w r ith a due regard 
for his own happiness who lays aside, when the honeymoon 
is over, all those gratifying attentions which he was ever 
alert to pay the lady of his love. He injures himself when 
he neglects those rational sources of home enjoyment which 



HOME. 49 

made her look forward with a bounding heart to become his 
companion through life. 

Etiquette is a broad and comprehensive term and its ob- 
servance nowhere more desirable than in the domestic circie. 



Ah! happy years! once more who would not be a boy? 

— Byron. 

•A boy's will is the wind's will, 
And the thoughts of youth are long, long thoughts. 

- -Bryant 



52 



mj m jujgjuijtij mm m.iM i M. m u'.u 



BOYS. 

The boy is a perplexing study. It is more difficult to 
acquire a thorough knowledge of him than it is to master 
Greek and Latin and the higher mathematics. Each boy is 
a new text-book by a different author ; and there is just 
enough variation in the matter and method to confuse the 
student. Some one has said of Shakespeare that he "has no 
style, because he has so many styles, — because he is forever 
coining new forms of expression, and breaking the mould as 
fast as they are coined .*' And so with boys. They have no 
style because they have so many styles. Selecting a model 
boy, you try to make your boy like the model, but you fail. 
You take Washington with his little hatchet, but your boy 
proves saving of his veracity. Or possibly Daniel Webster is 
chosen, but your boy turns out to be slow of speech and dull 
of apprehension. Perchance, like Sir Isaac Newton's par- 
ents, you decide that your boy is little higher in the intellec- 
tual scale than an idiot, but eventually he belies his early 
promise and astoands the world with his lofty genius. 

CLASSIFYING BOYS. 

Verily, boyhood is a study, but it is one of those studies 

not yet reduced to a science. Indeed, it is doubtful if we can 

ever reduce the study of boys to a science. It must always 

remain experimental. If we could frame a system of phi- 

4 53 



54 BOYS. 

losophy on the subject, we should call it "Boyology"; but 
when we come to a general classification of facts relating to 
the boy, we find ourselves at fault. He refuses to be classi- 
fied. If we start with the classifiction of "good and bad," 
we find that under the test of life it fails. Half the boys in 
the "good" class turn out bad and many of those in the "bad" 
class grow up good. So that classification will not do ; and 
if we start with "smart and dull," we come out no better, for 
the smart boys, expending all their vitality in youth, grow up 
to be dull, while Sheridan, Scott, Dickens, Goldsmith, Burns, 
the dullest of their classes at school and the least promising 
of their fellows in youth, became the master thinkers of their 
day and the brightest lights of a luminous host. There is the 
appearance of a classification in the wildness or tameness 
of boyhood ; and perhaps that will serve as a starting-point. 
All boys are either wild or tame — they have either a tempest 
or a calm locked within their breasts. If we cannot set our 
stake here and say we have something settled and definite, 
then truly boys are a hopeless enigma, and we may as well 
confess first as last that we cannot understand them. All the 
help the dictionary* gives us on the subject is contained in the 
statement that "a boy is a male child." But this really throws 
no light upon it ; we are left just as much in the dark as be- 
fore. There is a common saying that "the child is father to 
the man;" but this is no more enlightening, except as it 
may show us that we owe a proper respect to our ancestry. 



i 



boySo 55 

the wild boy. 

But to get back to our starting point — wild boys and 
tame. The tame boy is a sweet child, but he is not the sort 
of stuff that reformers and scholars and captains of industry 
are made of. The wild boy causes you more trouble while he 
is a child ; but, if you have done your duty by him, he is the 
one that you regard with greatest pride when he is grown up, 
for he is alert, strong, masterful, full of ambition and 
achievement, a leader among men. Grass does not grow in 
his path ; you do not have to find him something to do ; he 
sees the opportunities of life for himself and takes them. 

We often hear boys described as "good" or "bad." But 
there are no bad boys, unless we have transmitted evil qual- 
ities to them. To tell a boy that he is bad, either lowers you 
m his estimation, or it lowers himself. He either believes 
what you say, or he doubts it. If he believes you, he at 
once makes up his mind that it's no use trying. "I'm bad 
any way," he reflects, "I can't amount to anything, and I 
wont try." If he doesn't believe you, he will think, "Now, I 
can't depend on what my parents say. They say I'm bad, 
but I know that my intentions are good, and I should be 
judged by my intentions. Whatever they say hereafter, I'll 
accept with a good deal of allowance." We must not forget 
that the boy knows much more than we give him credit for. 
He usually understands his own motives, and if we call him 
bad when he knows that his motives were good, we wound him 
and lose his confidence. No parent can afford to stand low 
in his child's opinion. If he is bad, he is the last one who 



56 BOYS. 

should know it. Do all in your power to make him think he 
is not bad. And after all, the bad boy is usually a boy wild 
with passion, like a spirited horse, and the important ques- 
tion is, "Who is going to hold the reins and do the driving? " 
If the boy's judgment and intellect hold them, then he will 
make the journey of life grandly, and with power that difficul- 
ties cannot subdue. He will battle evil as a reformer. He 
will conquer success in war or in traffic. Every door in life 
will stand open to receive him, and he will run his course like 
a giant. But if his passions are to hold the reins, then stand 
out of his way. If he is bad, he is bad all over. He is bad 
with just as much power as he would, in the other case, have 
been good. Human life is nothing to him and his will is the 
wind's will, stirred to a tempest by every heat of passion. 

Much depends on the way the boy is handled. If you 
help him to get control of himself, there is no danger; 
but if you manage him so as to leave the reins in the 
grasp of his passions, it is all danger. 

The tame boy sits under the shade tree before the cottage 
door, like some delicate house plant that has been set out 
in the yard. He is good to look at, but not worth much 
to use. At the same time the war-whoop is heard upon 
tiie hillside or in the adjoining fields or woods. That is 
the wild boy. The hills and rocks mock him and send back 
his shout. He accepts their challenge as he advances to 
vanquish his new-found enemy — the hills ring with shouts. 
He reaches the rocks above, but the voices that mocked him 
are gone, and again his victorious shout is heard. He be. 



boys. 57 

comes acquainted with birds and flowers. The trees tell 
him their secrets. The habits and instincts of the smaller 
animals are his constant study. At night his cheeks bear 
the hues of the morning. Deal gently with him, par- 
ents, for untold possibilities are there. He is wild with 
animal spirits. Do not try to drive him, but lead him gently, 
carefully. Gradually turn the current of his life in the di- 
rection of the work to be accomplished. Do not dam the 
stream, but keep it flowing and guide it as best you may. 
It may be said of boys that 

"Their lives are songs; God writes the words, 

And we set them to music at pleasure. 
And the song grows glad, or sweet or sad 

As we choose to fashion the measure. 
We must write the music whatever the song, 

Whatever its rhym or metre, 
And if it is glad we may make it sad, 

Or, if sweet, we may make ifc sweeter." 

j THE TAME BOY. 

The tame boy is a negative element. He makes a 
good picture, and looks well when framed and hung up on 
the wall. But if he carries his tameness into manhood the 
world disdains him. If the world doesn't like a man, it 
says; "He is a very good or tame man." There is an un- 
dertone of irony in those words. The successful man will 
resent such a statement as an insult. Martin Luther was 
not one of your tame boys. He was endued with strong 
passions. If error presented itself he had the courage to 



58 BOYS. 

attack it. A hurricane in youth, an avalanche in manhood, 
he became one of earth's greatest reformers. The wild boy 
is at a premium every time. He is gold or silver coin of 
full value. If you mutilate him, however, he depreciates. 
The tame boy is a greenback or bank note. You may muti- 
late him and he is worth no less than before. Tear off a corner 
and it makes no difference about his value. He never grows 
brighter by friction, but, on the contrary, grows dimmer till 
you can't use him any longer, because you can't tell what 
he is. He is not worth anything until a value is stamped 
on him, or coin has been deposited with which to redeem 
him. He is not worth anything out of his own country. 
The wild boy, if you have not clipped him by bad manage^ 
ment, will pass in any country. You do not need to stamp 
a value upon him. That he always does for himself. He 
grows brighter by use and when he is nearly worn out, so 
you can't find the figures expressing his value, weigh him and 
keep him in circulation. A parent cannot afford to have 
tame children unless he is rich ; neither can he afford to have 
wild children unless he has the patience and prudence to 

guide them. 

THE STUDIOUS BOY. 

But we must here distinguish studiousness from mere 
tameness. Some boys inherit an applied tendency. A nervous 
temperament is usually theirs, and unless carefully handled 
they will expend all their forces in childhood. If their strength 
can be husbanded so they enter manhood with vital forces 
unimpaired, they make profound scholars, inventors, great 



boys. 59 

historians, philosophers and artists. They adorn any de- 
partment of life in which their powers may find direction. 

And as we must distinguish the studious boy from the 
merely tame boy, so must we observe the difference between 
the wild boy and the boy who has inherited the instincts of 

outlawry. 

THE CRUEL BOY. 

Cruelty seems to be instinctive in some boys. They 

have inherited that applied tendency. Benedict Arnold was 

constantly, and from cruel motives, torturing young birds and 

animals, and that disposition made him the execrated Arnold 

the traitor. The same tendency is in seen in Nero, the cruel 

emperor of Kome, who murdered his mother and his wife, who. 

burnt the imperial city and fiddled while the flames devoured 

its temples and palaces, and who died at last by his own hand. 

It is the same uncontrolled tendency that manifests itself in 

great criminals. Yet without doubt it can be controlled if taken 

in time. 

i THE EYE THE WINDOW OF THE SOUL. 

"But," says the anxious parent, "how shall I know 
whether my boy is studious or tame, vicious or wild ? " We 
answer : " The eye is the window of the soul." Men are like 
Geneva watches with crystal faces that expose the whole move- 
ment. The face and eyes reveal what the spirit is doing, how 
old it is, and what aims it has. An eye can threaten like a 
loaded and levelled gun, or, by means of kindness, can make 
the heart dance with joy. Eyes speak all languages. The 
communication by the glance is in the greatest part not subject 



6o BOYS. 

to the control of the will. It is the bodily symbol of the iden- 
tity of nature. We look into the eyes to know if this other 
form is another self, and the eyes will not lie, but makes faith- 
ful confession what inhabitation is there. When the eye says 
one thing and the tongue another, the practiced man relies on 
the language of the eye. If the man is off his center, the eyes 
show it. There are asking eyes, assenting eyes, prowling eyes, 
and eyes full of fate — some of good and some of sinister omen. 
Each man carries in his eye the exact indication of his rank 
in the immense scale of men, and we are always learning to 
read it. 

The tame eye may be sleepy, or vacant, or it may show 
depth of mere goodness. The studious eye shows a deep, 
steady and confident look. It never drops, but meets your 
level glance unflinchingly. The cruel eye has a wild un- 
steady glare — a fierce piercing look. It drops before the 
steady gaze of an honest eye. The wild boy has a clear 
sparkling eye. Like the studious eye, it is concious of no 
evil intent, and therefore it looks right into your eyes without 
shrinking. The wild or studious eye may drop from modesty 
but the face reveals the cause. But the cruel eye drops with 
a sullen expression. There are other methods of studying 
the boy, but the eye is the true index to his character and 

quality. 

BE A TRUE PARENT TO THE BOY. 

Then make a careful study of your boy. God grant that he 
may grow up to be a comfort to your age and an honor to 
society. He makes you some trouble now, but he will not 



BOYS. 6 1 

bother long. Nothing in the world grows as fast as children. 
It seems only last week since your boy was playing with lit- 
tle toys, but now he is a man with a home of his own. Then 
his playthings were scattered all over the floor. You were 
neat and orderly ; and it annoyed you to see the confusion 
he caused in the appearance of your room. Now it is orderly 
enough. It is too orderly and quiet ! Yes, it is quiet and or- 
derly now. There are no disputes to settle, no questions to 
answer, no bruised fingers to tie up, no little clothes to be 
mended, no sleepy boys to put to bed, no one to get ready 
for school next day. Dear parents, why are you so sad ? 
"Why do the furrows deepen and the eyes grow dim and the 
heart sad ? You wanted the house orderly, and it is so now. 
You wanted it quiet, and is it not still ? You were annoyed 
with the care of the boy, and are you not now relieved from 
such burdens ? Wipe the tears from your eyes and be cheer- 
ful. Why not be happy and joyous? Ah, memory is too 
faithful and hearts are too true ! It seemed as if the boy 
would always be with you, but he has gone. You did not 
know how large a space in your hearts he filled until he grew 
up and left you. You long for one sound of his boyish voice, 
and now the clatter of his feet upon the stairs would be music 
to your ear. With what fondness could you now kiss his 
eyes to sleep ! ! how willingly could you now answer all his 
questions and how tenderly lead him in the way of truth and 
usefulness ! 



62 BOYS. 

BOYS MUST BATTLE IN LIFE. 

But the boy must grow and he must face the great future 
which looms with possibilities and beckons with bright hopes. 
He must prepare himself for the outset and struggle. Giants 
will come out to meet him on the way and these must be dis- 
armed. Difficulties will arise which he alone may overcome. 
Obstacles will resist his progress which he, and not another 
for him, must surmount. He must be equipped for a des- 
perate hand-to-hand contest with stubborn foes that will dis- 
pute every inch of his forward path. Either he must bravely 
fight or weakly perish. He cannot go through life unchal- 
lenged. Strong soul and high endeavor, he will need them 
both. "Lo ! here, now, in our civilized society, the old 
allegories yet have a meaning, the old myths are still true. 
Into the valley of the shadow of Death yet often leads the 
path of duty, through the streets of Vanity Fair walk Chris- 
tian and Faithful, and on Great-heart's armor ring the clang- 
ing blows. Ormuzd still fights with Abriman — the Prince of 
Light with the Powers of Darkness. He who will hear, to 
him the clarions of the battle call." 

"Of the myriads of human beings who flit across the 
stage of life, but few, comparatively," says an eloquent 
biographer of the late George Peabody, "ever become really 
eminent ; but few ever thrust themselves, so to speak, unwit- 
tingly, it may be, upon the popular observation, or organize 
and achieve a marked success. But few are willing to burst 
the shackles of sensuous thraldom, and gird on the whole pan- 



BOYS. 63 

oply of a true and elevated manhood, and enter the arena of 
life's conflict, yielding to the nobler impulses of the higher 
nature, the intellectual and moral, necessitating the com- 
plete subserviency of the lower and mere animal nature. 
But few raise high the standard of attainment, bas- 
ing the purposes of life upon clear and vivid ideas and potent 
aspirations, and then concentrate the developed and expand- 
ing energies of the soul with pertinacious and indomitable 
courage. These few stand out in bold relief like the majestic 
oak on the hill-top, or like some bright particular star, sud- 
denly emerging from the horizon, moving upward in majesty, 
full-orbed and radiant, increasing in size and brilliancy, and 
sending its beams of light to the remotest regions. Some of 
these remind us of the meteor as it dashes across the heavens, 
blazing with its own native fires ; sometimes seemingly erratic 
in its course, yet true to its nature and controlled by fixed 
immutable laws, startling and awing the observer or challeng- 
ing respect and admiration. Such organize and decree suc- 
cess and distinction in obedience to the laws of mind, not 
only by unremitting effort and toil even, but by a wise ad- 
justment of means to ends, having regard to principles as 
definite and undeviating in their applications as those which 
guide the chemist in the laboratory, the physician at the bed- 
side, and the surgeon in the operating hall. Their success is 
not the result of accident, 'luck,' unusual mental endowments, 
aid of friends, but rather the legitimate and necessary sequence 
of industry, perseverance, energy, clearness of perception, 
oneness of purpose, fixedness of effort, and strength of will. 



64 BOYS. 

If the circumstances and surroundings are not favorable, no 
energies are squandered in useless hesitancy or unmanly 
murmurings, but are modified, and, if possible, made subser- 
vient to the great purpose of life, or may be utterly ignored ; 
while the aspiring candidate for distinction and an enviable 
pre-eminence determines never for a moment to entertain the 
idea of 'a cessation of hostilities' — never admits into his vocab- 
ulary the word fail." 

Junius Henri Brown defines genius as an inexhaustible 
capacity to labor and a tireless patience to perform. Shelley, 
Byron, Agassiz, Darwin, Edison, Gould — what were they, 
what have they been but tremendous, unremitting, patient 
workers ? What records would Dickens, Maeaulay, Beecher, 
have left but for their zeal for labor, their ceaseless energy in 
doing ? It was not that these or any of them were nursed in 
the lap of luxury that they waxed strong. It was to no ad- 
ventitious aids of circumstance that they owed success. They 
wrought their greatness out of the mighty forces that opposed 
them ; their monuments are builded of stones which they lifted 
and placed with their own strong hands. 

POVERTY NO BARRIER. 

Success is for him who conquers it. It yields only to 
masterful endeavor. George Peabody began life poor ; his 
education was meager, yet riches, honor, a deathless fame 
were his achievements. You, young man, perhaps you despair 
because your field of opportunity seems narrow. Yet it is 
boundless. You falter because you think yourself handicapped 



BOYS. 65 

by poverty. Yet poverty was no bar to the ambition of Lin- 
coln, Stewart, Greeley, Childs, Garfield. You hesitate to ad- 
venture toward the heights because you fancy that only those 
may reach them who have the inspiration of the classics. Yet 
it is the testimony of the successful merchants, bankers, rail- 
way magnates and manufacturers of Chicago and other cities, 
that colleges are not always a help to those who undertake a 
business career. To one who wishes to command success in 
the ordinary walks of life, in merchandising, banking, manu- 
facturing, speculating, a common school education is not only 
ample, it is the best. To go through college is to lose valuable 
time. To study the classics is to load the mind with mate- 
rial that can be of no possible use in the practical affairs of 
the counting-house and factory. For these the common En- 
glish branches, as they are taught in the city or the village 
high school, meet the full requirement ; and every day spent 
outside of these is a day lost so far as advancement in busi- 
ness pursuits is concerned. 

! You have no reason to despond. The future is yours to 
command. The road to success lies before you, and if you 
foot it bravely every obstacle will yield. 

"In the world's broad field of battle, 

In the bivouac of life, 
Be not like dumb, driven cattle; 

Be a hero in the strife. 

Trust no future, howe'er pleasant; 

Let the dead Past bury its dead. 
Act, act in the living Present, 

Heart v/ithin and God o'erhead. 



66 BOYS. 



Lives of great men all remind us 
We can make our lives sublime, 

And, departing, leave behind us 
Footprints on the sands of time, — 

Footprints that perhaps another, 
Sailing o'er Life's solemn main, — 

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother- 
Seeing, shall take heart again. 

Let us, then, be up and doing, 

"With a heart for any fate; 
Still achieving, still pursuing, 

Learn to labor and to wait." 



■■:- ■••. :ii-. 



Mt' 



1 



'-- ' "-.ii 1 '!!, ' 



iPi§ 111 ■ 



:>^:. m; 







' '. v'V ( # ; . 











- 

- » 

..■■->: 



Girlhood. 



GIRLS. 

"By what glow and melody of speech," exclaimed Hor. 
>ce Mann, "can I sketch the vision of a young and beautiful 
daughter, with all her bewildering enchantments ? By what 
cunning art can the coarse material of words be refined ant 1 
subtleized into color and motion and music, till they shall 
paint the bloom of health, 'celestial, rosy red ;' till they shall 
trace those motions that have the grace and the freedom of 
dame, and echo the sweet and affectionate tones of a spirit 
yet warm from the hand that created it ? What less than a 
divine power could have strung the living chords of her voice 
to pour out unbidden and exulting harmonies ? What fount 
of sacred flame kindles and feeds the light that gleams from 
the pure depths of her eye, and flashes her cheek with the 
hues of a perpetual morning, and shoots auroras from her 
beaming forehead? 0, profane not this last miracle of 
heavenly workmanship with sight or sound of earthly im- 
purity ! 

"Keep vestal vigils around her inborn modesty ; and let 
the quickest lightnings blast her tempter. She is nature's 
mosaic of charms. Looked upon as we look upon an object 
of natural history— upon a gazelle or a hyacinth — ^slie is a 
magnet to draw pain out of a wounded breast. While we 
gaze upon her, and press her in ecstasy to our bosom, we 

5 69 



70 GIRLS. 

almost tremble,, lest suddenly she should unfurl a wing and 
soar to some better world. " 

A MOTHER'S RESPONSIBILITY. 

No heavier responsibility is placed upon the mother than 
that involved in the training of a daughter. Her boy needs 
her love and her watchful care and sweet instruction, it is 
true, and every man will trace most that is good and noble 
and pure in him to his mother ; but how infinitely greater is 
the daughter's need of a mother's gentle influences and pure 
example ! How infinitely mora tender the plant that is to 
blossom into womanhood than that which matures into sturdy 
self- protecting, self-asserting and self-sustaining manhood. A 
boy's will is the wind's will, according to the poet's song, but 
the girl's will — ah ! how different it is ! How soft and com- 
pliant, how yielding to all outward pressure, how susceptible 
to the sweet influences of mother-love, how docile and tract- 
able! 

Yet too often the young girl grows up like a neglected 
flower. Too often she is suffered to run wild amid influences 
that contaminate and through scenes that leave an ugly and 
indelible impress upon her soul. She knows much that she 
never ought to know ; much that she should be taught she 
never learns. Her mother is a busy woman and she trusts 
the school to train her daughter for womanhood. The girl 
becomes estranged; the mother is no longer her con- 
fidant, but she confides in some one and goes there 
for consolation, advice and instruction. Who knows what 



GIRLS* /I 

instruction and advice she will receive? Who knows 
what a careless word or an evil suggestion may not do ? Who 
shall say what temptations may be thrown in her way, what 
perils may beset her path, what vicious counsels may threaten 
the temple where purity and innocence are enshrined? Cer- 
tainly her mother's duty here is one of the deepest solemnity. 
Her boy may take care of himself. He may be wild and 
reckless in youth ; but one day there will come a change. His 
manhood will assert itself and he will settle down to the ser- 
ious business of life with resolute purpose and lofty deter 
lnination. But his sister ! What of her ? Shall she follow the 
wind ? Shall she seek her own companions and pursue her 
own devices unchecked ? Shall she be trusted to tread the 
paths of youth and inexperience without a guide ? Nay, not 
so. For one breath of the north wind can destroy the fairest 
garden, so one touch of evil upon a young girl's life is fatal. 
Her brother may survive and indeed be strengthened in his 
moral fibers by contact with the grosser realities of the world, 
but she, delicate, fragile, tender as she is, she can no more 
withstand the blighting, blasting effects of suspicion or scan- 
dal than a rose-leaf can withstand a nipping frost. 

Fortunately for the race, fortunately for the peace and 
tranquility of domestic life, mother-duty is not always neglec- 
ted. Indeed, it is the rare case, after all, which is marked 
by indifference or thoughtlessness on the part of the mother 
in the training of her daughter, and let us thank God that it 
is so. But the misfortune is, the pity is, that there is any 
$weet flower left to bloom among the weeds and mingle its 



72 GIRLS. 

delicate perfume with the foul odors of a neglected home. It 
is sad to think that any of God's shining vessels are destined 
to pollution ; and every instinct of love should urge us to a 
higher sense of the responsibility that is imposed by mother- 
hood and fatherhood. It is a fearful yet a precious and glori- 
ous responsibility. To shirk it is not only unnatural but 
criminal. To slight it or depreciate it is a sad and grievious 
mistake. To live up to the full measure of it is to earn a dis- 
tinction of the noblest and most enduring nature. 

TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER INTO YOUR CONFIDENCE. 

Mothers in these days are sometimes too lenient with 
their daughters in certain respects. It is bad to restrain a 
girl too much, to make her feel that her liberty is taken away 
or threatened ; but her wilder impulses may be curbed, her 
wayward steps guided, without leaving upon her mind the 
sense of injustice. A mother ought to take her young girl 
into her confidence. She ought to teach her by precept and 
example. No secrets should stand as bars between them. The 
girl should be made to feel that her best, her truest, her 
readiest and most sympathetic friend is her mother. In every 
stage of her development the girl needs watching, caution, 
help, admonition, advice and the lights of larger experience. 
These the mother must supply if she would not have her 
daughter waver in her course and perhaps wander from it. 
She needs support and guidance, but not espionage and tyran- 
ny. Many a good girl has been spoiled by ill-considered re- 
striction and cruel distrust. She lias grown rebellious under 



GIRLS. 73 

treatment which outraged her finer sensibilities ; and when 
either girls or boys rebel there is no answering for what they 
will do. 

CHAPERONS. 

The old duenna system of Spain, Italy and France, a 
survival of which we see in the fashionable chaperon of to- 
day, was well meant, we doubt not, and possibly it may have 
had its uses, but there is nothing in the moral history of those 
countries, nothing in their social records to vindicate the wis- 
dom or the justice of a tyrannous surveillance of young girls. 
Indeed, there is every reason to infer from that history and 
those records that, so far from the system having subserved 
the purposes of virtue, it was an incentive to intrigue and a 
worse than futile bar against gallantry. 

TEACH THEM SELF-RELIANCE. 

Girls thus hedged about lacked self-reliance ; and it was 
■but human nature for them to rebel against a slavery to cus- 
tom and parental authority. English girls were freer ; their 
range was greatly larger ; their social restraints were far less 
severe ; yet no one will contend that they were less pure and 
nrtuous than their Spanish and Italian sisters. Nay, the 
fact is, that the standard of morality in England was never so 
low as that in either Spain or Italy ; and here in America, 
where young women are granted greater freedom than any- 
where else in the world, the moral standard is high, and wo- 
man is everywhere respected and reverenced. Her self-reliance 
is strong, her faith in herself abiding, her conscious innocence 



74 GIRLS. 

a stronger shield than ever duenna was against the breath of 
scandal. 

No. Girls do not require espionage ; they need friendly 
and sympathetic counsel, and above all, wholesome example. 
It will be very hard for that girl who has an evil- disposed 
mother to become a really good woman. A bad pattern will 
be before her all the time and unconsciously she will weave it 
into the warp and woof of her own character. Sadee, the 
Persian poet, beautifully depicts the influence of environ- 
ment in this simple apologue: "One day as I was in the 
bath, a friend of mine put into my hand a piece of scented 
clay. I took it and said to it, 'Art thou musk or amber- 
gris, for I am charmed with thy perfume?' It answered, 
'I was a despicable piece of clay, but I was some time in 
the company of the rose ; the sweet quality of my compan- 
ion was communicated to me, otherwise I should be only 
a bit of clay, as I appear to be/ " 

Thus a sweet and pure-hearted mother may by her ex- 
ample and her gentle influences do more to restrain a way- 
ward girl, imparting to her nature the perfume of her own, 
than convent walls and spying eyes ; and we would impress 
this truth, for it is a truth, upon every mother who reads this 

book. 

A GIRL'S DUTY TO HER MOTHER AND HOME. 

At the same time we would impress upon the daughter 
herself the duty she owes to the mother, to society and to her 
own womanhood. The responsibility is not all with the par- 
ents. Some of it rests upon the girl herself and she must not 



Gi^tLS. 75 

&^ek to evade nor must she dispute it. She owes her mother 
not only affection and respect, but confidence and cheerful 
help in all domestic affairs. It is not enough that a young 
lady should sing and play and dance well ; she should be able 
likewise to sew and cook well. She should know how to darn 
a stocking as well as how to paint a panel. And she should 
not forget that there is quite as fine (and perhaps a nobler) art 
in baking a loaf of good bread or making a cake as there is 
in rendering a Beethoven sonata. It is said that the French 
girl is devoted to music because she loves ; but when she is 
married her piano is forgotten and her husband and home be- 
come the center of all her activities and aspirations. She 
puts as much soul in her cookery as she once threw into her 
music ; and the pot replaces the piano as the means of ex- 
pressing the poetry and passion of her nature. 

FREQUENTLY ONLY ORNAMENTAL. 

The modern young woman is too frequently a mere or- 
nament. She knows nothing of any great consequence and 
is as helpless as an infant in domestic affairs. She cannot 
rjew, she cannot cook, her notions of household economy are 
vague, and if she were called to be the mistress of a hoim 
she would be the victim of her servants and a burden upon 
her husband. No girl, no matter what the wealth and posi- 
tion of her family, should be permitted to grow up so. Every 
girl should be trained and carefully trained, in domestic 
management. She should know the value of a dollar and 
how to spend it to the very best advantage. It may be that 



76 GIRLS. 

fortune may always smile upon her and that she may never be 
actually required to work and save, yet the chances of life are 
hazardous and it is always prudent to provide for emergen- 
cies. 

STERLING WORTH. 

With the average girl, however, it is not a question of 
providing against remote chances. She is not the daughter 
of wealth and in the nature of things must ultimately face the 
world with very little except her own personal qualities and 
accomplishments. Her hand will not be sought because of 
its deftness in touching the keys or in handling the pencil and 
brush. It will be striven for rather because its owner is 
known to be trained in the duties of home— for it is a home 
that man wants ; and he doesn't get that when he weds a wo- 
man who is merely ornamental, so far as accomplishments go. 

This may sound very prosaic and unromantic, and per- 
haps it is so ; but it is none the less true and none the less 
important. The mother owes it to her daughter and the 
daughter owes it to herself to take account of practical things. 
The real serious business of life must be considered, and frills 
and flourishes may be more safely neglected than those solid 
details of every-day household economy upon which so much 
depends. 

"It is the paradise of marriage," says Michelet, "that 
the man shall work for the woman ; that he alone shall sup- 
port her, take pleasure in enduring fatigue for her sake, and 
spare her the hardships of labor, and rude contact with the 
world." 




Mother and Daughter. 



girls. yy 

"He returns home in the evening, harassed, suffering 
from toil, mental or bodily, from the weariness of worldly 
things, from the baseness of men. But in his reception at 
home there is such an infinite kindness, a calm so intense, 
that he hardly believes in the cruel realities he has gone 
through all the day. 'No,' he says, 'that could not have 
been; it was but an ugly .dream. There is but one real 
thing in the world, and that is you ! ' 

"This is woman's mission ... to renew the heart 
of man. Protected and nourished by the man, she in turn 
nourishes him with her love. 

"In love is her true sphere of labor, the only labor 
that it is essential she should perform. It was that she 
should reserve herself entirely for this that nature made 
her so incapable of performing the ruder sorts of earthly 
toil. 

"Man's business it is to earn money, her's to spend it : 
that is to say, to regulate household expenditures better than 
man would. 

"This renders him indifferent to all enjoyment that is 
bought, and makes it seem to him insipid. Why should 
he go elsewhere in search of pleasure? What pleasure is 
there apart from the woman he loves ? 

"It is well said in Eastern law, that 'the wife is the 
household.' And better still said the Eastern poet : 'A wife 
is a fortune.' 

"Our Western experience enables us to add : 'Especially 
when she is poor.' 



J& GIRLS. 

"Then, though she has nothing, she brings you every- 
thing." 

It is a defect of our civilization that women are forced 
to become bread-winners. Young girls who ought to be 
training in the school at home for the high and holy duties 
of wifehood and motherhood are compelled by social and 
industrial maladjustments to enter the hurly-burly of the 
great work-a-day world, competing with those who ought to 
support them in the desperate struggle for existence, every 
year, it seems, growing more fierce. This is sad and terrible 
and the condition may well arrest the attention and excite 
the apprehension of the thoughtful. What will be the out- 
come time alone can tell, but this is clear, that it is a bad 
school, that of the factory and workshop, to which so many 
girls are sent by circumstance, in that formative time when 
the mother's influence is most needed and domestic suscep- 
tibilities are keenest. Yet the situation is one that cannot 
be blinded. It confronts many thousands of families and it 
cannot be easily escaped, if it is possible to escape it at all ; 
so it comes to this, that they must make the best of it, 
mothers and daughters alike, the one giving what instruction 
they can, the others acquiring such knowledge and facility as 
they may in those domestic arts which make home the hope 
and the haven that it is. 



Love is strong as death. Many waters cannot quench love, 
neither can the floods drown it. — Proverbs, 



Love rules the court, the camp, the grove, 
And men below, and saints abcvf r 

For love is heaven, and heaven is love. 

Scott: "Lay of the Last Minstrel." 



SO 



COURTSHIP. 

Love is the universal passion. It burns alike in the heart 
of the prince and peasant. Soldier and statesman, poet and 
plowman, sage and simple, all yield to its masterful sway. 
And he that loves carries with him in his breast some fragment 
of paradise. Shelley says that "all love is sweet, given or re- 
turned. Common as light is love, and its familiar voice 
wearies not ever. They who inspire it most are fortunate ; 
but those who feel it most are happier still." Shakespeare 
had a very poor opinion of the woman-hater. "He that feels 
no love for woman/' said he, "is foe to all the finer feelings 
of the soul ; and to sweet Nature's holiest, tenclerest ties a 
heartless renegade." And the poet Crabbe thought it "bet- 
ter to love amiss, than nothing to have loved." Sheridan be- 
lieved the divine passion to be no monopoly of man. Even 
an oyster, he held, may be crossed in love. Southey sang 
that "love is indestructible; its holy flame forever burnetii; 
from heaven it came, to heaven returneth." Lord Lytton 
declared that "love, like death, levels all ranks, and lays the 
shepherd's crook beside the sceptre." And what is love? 
Who can describe it? Who can say how it comes or inter- 
pret all its various meanings ? Scott sings of true love thus : 

"True loye the gift which Gocl has given 
To iran alone beneath the heaven: 
It is not fantasy's hot fire, 

81 



82 COURTSHIP. 

Whose wishes, soon as granted, fly; 

It lieth not in fierce desire, 

With dead desire it doth not die; 

It is the secret sympathy, 

The silver link, the silken tie, 

Which heart to heart, and mind to mind, 

In body and in soul can bind." 

Life is a silent harp until touched by the finger of love. 
It then thrills with harmonies of heaven. Till this awaken- 
ing all has been a dreamy joyous existence in the fairyland of 
home. A mother's affection has guided and guarded you, but 
now you are about to start in life for yourself, and the golden 
chain of love binds your heart to another heart, thus fulfilling 
the law of your being. It is an honor to you, young men, that 
you possess the love and confidence of an affectionate woman ; 
and to you, young women, it should be a matter of pride that 
a true man's heart has been laid at your feet. 

CHOOSING A MATE. 

The period of mating is one of the most important in the 
life of the young. Nay, it is the most important, for upon 
the choice which each makes in this great business depends 
all the future. It is so easy to make a mistake and so hard 
to correct it, once made. 

Courting is not a science to be studied in books, but 
there is an art in it — the art of pleasing. Anciently, talis- 
mans and charms were relied on by youth and maiden ; "but 
is now many years since the only talismans for creating love 
are the charms of the person beloved." By gracefully dis- 



COURTSHIP. 83 

playing those advantages conferred by nature, and by assi- 
duously cultivating the graces that art can bestow, every man 
may hope to win a mate and every maid may lead captive 
a lover. And in this field, moral qualities at least count for 
more than physical ; and while few men are endowed with 
those attractions of form and face which are sometimes suc- 
cessful, all may hope to acquire those elements of character, 
understanding and manners, which more often command the 
esteem and win the love of women. Colley Cibber expresses 
the common judgment of the fair sex in this matter when he 
puts in the mouth of one of his women the sentiment that 
"the only merit of a man is his sense, while doubtless the 
greatest value of a woman is her beauty." Beauty is cer- 
tainly the master-charm of the softer sex, and it is felt to be so 
by themselves. Yet while we observe its power and its value 
we must not lose sight of its dangers. Woman's charms 
are often her ruin, and what she makes her boast is not in- 
frequently her curse. 

MANHOOD AND WOMANHOOD THE BASIS. 

Manhood and womanhood should be the basis of matri- 
monial choice. Old Themistocles said : "If compelled to 
choose, I would bestow my daughter upon a man without 
money, sooner than upon money without a man." When Dr. 
Franklin was asked why he was always so happy he said : 
''It is no secret; I have got one of the best of wives ; when I 
^0 to work, she always has a kind word of encouragement for 
me, and when I come home, she meets me with a smile and a 



'uuyaijw.M'Jum 



84 COURTSHIP. 

kiss, and the tea is sure to be ready, and she has done so 
many things through the day to please me, that I cannot find 
it in my heart to speak an unkind word to anybody." Thus 
souls properly mated are constantly falling in love with each 
other. Each day reveals some new beauty to admire and 
sorrows come only to chasten and to bind them closer to- 
gether. 

MARRIED PEOPLE MEET ADVERSITY BEST. 

"I have noticed," said Washington Irving, "that a married 
man falling into misfortune is more apt to retrieve his situation 
than a single one, chiefly because his spirits are softened and 
relieved by domestic endearments, and self-respect kept alive 
by finding that, although all abroad be darkness and humilia- 
tion, yet still there is a little world of love at home of which he 
is monarch ; whereas a single man is apt to run to waste and 
self -neglect, to fall to ruin, like a deserted mansion, for want 
of inhabitants. Those disasters which break down the spirit 
of man and prostrate him in the dust, seem to call forth all 
the energies of the gentler sex, and to give such intrepidity and 
elevation to their character that at times it approaches to 
sublimity." And Bishop Taylor says regarding the influences 
of a good wife : "If you are for pleasure, marry ; if you prize 
rosy health, marry. A good wif is Heaven's last and best 
gift to man, his angel of meicy. Her voice is his sweetest 
music ; her smile his brightest day ; her kiss the guardian cf 
his innocence ; her industry his surest wealth ; her economy 
his safest steward ; her lips his faithful counselors ; her bosom 
his safest pillow ; her prayer his ablest advocate at Heaven/3 
court." 




Courtship. 



COURTSHIP. 85 

CHOOSE JUDICIOUSLY. 

But while all this is true, while a happy union is the 
source of prosperity and strength, it is not less true that an 
unfortunate marriage is destructive alike of human happi- 
ness and hopes. It is thus of the very highest importance 
that the choice of a life-partner shall be made wisely. Up- 
on the discretion you exercise in this great matter depends 
your future and there is no business of your life which 
demands greater prudence or more prayerful consideration. 
With the lady this choice is only negative. She may love, but 
she must not declare her passion ; she can but wait. When 
the time comes, it is her prerogative to accept or decline, but 
until the lover speaks, she must remain silent and passive. 
That this often involves a great trial of her patience who 
can doubt ? That it sometimes cruelly affects her peace and 
happiness who will deny ? 

With the man the case is different. It is his preroga- 
tive to woo and his to declare his love. He may speak and 
learn his fate when he will, and in this is his great advan- 
tage. Being refused, he may go elsewhere to seek his mate, 
if that be his humor, and it will be his own fault if he fails to 

find her. 

BE CIRCUMSPECT. 

But a gentleman should be at all times circumspect and 
considerate in his attentions to the opposite sex. In no case 
should he devote himself exclusively to one lady unless he is 
thinking seriously of marriage. He may call upon all and ex- 
tend invitations to any or all to attend places of amusement 

6 



86 COURTSHIP. 

with him without compromise, but the moment he neglects 
others to devote himself to a particular lady, that moment he 
gives the favored one reason to attach a serious importance 
to his attentions. Her feelings may very naturally become 
engaged and if he should not be in earnest a great deal of 
mischief may be done — her happiness may be destroyed. 

Nor should a lady allow any marked attention from 
one toward whom she is indifferent. In the first place, as a 
true woman she cannot take the risk of inflicting a wound 
she cannot heal. She must deal honorably with her admir- 
ers, and judiciously avoid the encouragement of a suit she 
cannot accept. In the first place she owes it to herself to 
discourage an undesirable suitor that she may not injure her- 
self by keeping aloof from those she might prefer. If it 
should appear that her feelings are already interested in the 
one, the others will be slow to approach and may indeed 
leave her altogether. Before tolerating the serious addresses 
of any man a woman should feel that it will be possible in 
time to return his affections, measure for measure. It lies 
with the man to propose, but the prerogative of refusing is 
woman's and this prerogative a lady of tact and kind heart 
can and will exercise before her suitor is brought to the humil- 
iation of an open declaration. She may let him see that 
she accepts the attentions of others with equal favor and she 
may kindly, yet firmly check his too frequent visits. But 
while discouraging him as a lov & she should try to retain 
him as a friend, and this she may do by an open and honor' 
abls course. 



COURTSHIP. Sj 

BE NOT HASTY. 
The young man who makes a proposal of marriage to a 
young lady on brief acquaintance is not only indiscreet but 
presumptuous. He may have no doubt of her merits, but 
how can he fancy himself so irresistible as to suppose her 
equally satisfied ? A woman who would accept a gentleman 
at first sight can hardly possess that discretion needed in a 
good wife and we therefore counsel the impetuous lover to 
restrain his ardor, thus avoiding the chances of disappoint- 
ment. Discretion is as wise in love as it is in war. 

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. 

That there is no such a thing as "love at first sight" is 
hardly to be questioned. Indeed Marlow goes so far as to 
ask "Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?" But 
love alone is a very uncertain foundation upon which to base 
wedlock. There should be something more than love be- 
tween a man and woman before they venture upon the sea of 
matrimony. There ought to be a thorough acquaintance, a 
harmony of tastes and temperament and a deep-rooted esteem. 
Without these their ship will be without ballast and the waves 
may make a wreck of it before it fairly enters upon the long 
life voyage. 

THE COQUETTE. 

It is a melancholy fact that some young women pride 
themselves upon their conquests, regardless of the mischief 
they have done to those whose hearts they have cruelly 
wounded. It is a shameful vanity, and no true woman will 



88 COURTSHIP. 

indulge in it. Hers is a poor triumph who can say. or feel, 
that she has refused five, ten or twenty offers of marriage. 
She does little more, indeed, than acknowledge herself a tri- 
fler and coquette, who, from motives of personal vanity, 
tempts and induces hopes and expectations which she knows 
she will disappoint. 

But if her course is unprincipled and immodest, what 
shall we say of the man who plays with the affections of a 
woman ? If the female trifler is cruel, is not the male co- 
quette almost criminal? He conveys the impression, that he 
is in love by actions, gallantries, looks, attentions, all— ex- 
cept that he never commits himself— and finally withdraws, 
exulting in the thought that he has said or written nothing 
which can be held legally binding. Upon such a man the 
world rightly looks with the severest reprobation and his 
course is one which every honorable representative of the 
sterner sex will studiously avoid. 

BE FRANK AND HONEST. 

A woman of considerate feelings will not keep a 
lover in suspense. When she sees clearly that she has be- 
come the object of his especial regard, and she does not wish 
to encourage his addresses, she will take the earliest oppor- 
tunity offering to make known the state of her mind. She 
will not be harsh, but generous and humane. A refined 
ease of manner will satisfy him, if he have any discernment, 
that his suit is hopeless. Should her natural disposition 
render this difficut, let her deliberately show that she wishes 



COURTSHIP. 89 

to avoid his company, and he will presently withdraw. If 
this should fail let her allow an opportunity for explanation 
to occur. She can then speak decisively, yet kindly, with 
the assurance that, if he be a man of good judgment and 
right feeling, he will trouble her no further. But let it never 
be said of her that she permitted the attentions of an honor- 
able man when she had no heart to give him. It may be 
that his preference has been gratifying and his conversation 
delightful. Her vanity may have been flattered by the devo- 
tion of one her companions admire. She may really have a 
doubt in her own mind as to the true state of her feelings. 
Yet all this will not excuse her. She ought to know her own 
heart and she will not be held guiltless if she trifle with that 

of another. 

THE REJECTED SUITOR. 

Nor, after rejecting a suitor, will she be held guiltless 
should she betray the fact. The secret does not belong to 
her, and if she possess either generosity or gratitude for of- 
fered affection, she will guard it jealously. It is sufficiently 
painful to be refused without incurring the added mortifica- 
tion of being pointed out as a rejected lover. 

When a man has proffered his hand in marriage and it 
has been refused, his duty is quite clear. Etiquette demands 
that he shall accept the lady's decision as final and retire 
from the field. He has no right to demand the reason of her 
refusal. Should she give it, he is bound in honor to respect 
her secret, if it be a secret, and hold it inviolable. To per- 
sist in urging his suit or to follow up the lady with marked 



90 COURTSHIP. 

attentions would be in the worst possible taste. His only 
proper course is to withdraw as much as possible from the 
circle which she adorns, thus sparing her all embarrassment 
and himself a great deal of unnecessary anguish. 

Eejected suitors somtimes act on the theory that they 
have sustained injuries which they are bound to avenge, and 
so miss no chance to annoy and slight the helpless victims of 
their former gallantries. Such conduct is both cruel and 
cowardly. The manly man will never adopt a course so in- 
defensible, and he writes himself down as a puppy who permits 
his spite to show itself against a woman. 

DO NOT PROVOKE LOVERS' QUARRELS. 

When a young lady encourages the addresses of a young 
man, she should behave honorably and sensibly. She should 
not lead him about as if in triumph, nor take advantage of 
her ascendancy over him by playing with his feelings, She 
should not seek for occasions to tease him, that she may try 
his temper. Neither should she affect indifference, nor pro- 
voke a lovers' quarrel for the foolish pleasure of reconciliation. 
On her conduct during the period of courtship will largely 
depend the estimation in which her husband will hold her in 
after life. No hard and fast rule can be laid down regarding 
the form of an avowal of love. 

PROPOSING. 

It is probable that every lover, before he makes his pas- 
sion known, exercises his fancy in the formation of some 
pretty or eloquent phrase for conveying the tremendous secret 



COURTSHIP. 91 

that masters his heart ; but where one lover remembers his 
line speech at the critical moment, perhaps a hundred will 
forget and make the disclosure in words altogether unmedi- 
tated. If the declaration is made by letter, there is, of 
course, a wide field open for eloquence, but this should always 
be tempered by good sense, and a degree of moderation. 
Every allusion to the lady should be marked with respect, and 
the proposal should be in clear, simple and honest words, 
whose power will be in their candor and sincerity. As a gen- 
eral thing, however, proposals should be made by word of 
mouth. They may not thus be couched in such graceful and 
poetic language, but they will borrow an eloquence which 
mere words cannot express from the presence of the beloved, 
and the inspiration of her eyes, her smile, her touch. 

Perhaps Dickens, in * 'David Copperfield," has furnished 
the best formula for a proposal. It was merely "Barkis is 
willin'," and served every purpose. Peggoty understood, 
and that was quite sufficient. 

Trollope says on this subject : "We are inclined to think 
that these matters are not always discussed by mortal lovers 
in the poetically passionate phraseology which is generally 
thought to be appropriate. A man cannot well describe that 
which he has never seen or heard, but the absolute words and 
acts of one such scene did once come to the author's knowl- 
edge. The couple were by no means plebeian, or below the 
proper standard of high bearing and high breeding. They 
were a handsome pair, living among educated people, suffi- 
ciently given to mental pursuits, and in everyway what a pair 



92 COURTSHIP. 

of polite lovers ought to be. The all-important conversation 
passed in this wise. The site of the passionate scene was 
the sea-shore, on which they were walking, in autumn. 

"Gentleman — 'Well, miss, the long and short of it is 
this : Here I am ; you can take me or leave me.* 

"Lady (scratching a gutter on the sand with her para- 
sol, so as to allow a little salt water to run out of one hole 
into another) — 'Of course I know that's all nonsense.' 

"Gentleman — 'Nonsense ! By Jove ! It isn't nonsense 
at all ! Come, Jane, here I am ; come, at any rate you can 
say something.' 

"Lady — 'Yes, I suppose I can say something.' 

"Gentleman — 'Well, which is it to be — take me or leave 
me?' 

"Lady (very slowly, and with a voice, perhaps, hardly 
articulate, carrying on at the same time her engineering 
works on a wider scale) — 'Well, I don't exactly want to leave 
you.' 

"And so the matter was settled; settled with much pro- 
priety and satisfaction, and both the lady and gentleman 
would have thought, had they ever thought about the matter 
at all, that this, the sweetest moment of their lives, had been 
graced by all the poetry by which such moments ought to be 
hallowed." 

CONSULTING HER PARENTS. 

The proposal over and the lady's acceptance secured, 
the next thing is to "see papa." And here is an ordeal that 
will test the courage of the boldest lover. If you have not 



COURTSHIP. 93 

had the experience, you can scarcely conjecture what it is to 
stand in the presence of your Mary's father and mother, and 
ask them for her hand in marriage. Just how to approach 
the momentous question gracefully is a thing that can hardly 
be told. The old folks will not be looking at your suit from 
the sentimental side. They will take the practical view, and 
it will behoove you, therefore, to bear this fact in mind. If 
you shift from one foot to the other, fidgeting a good deal, 
and giving your hat a closer inspection than it ever had be- 
fore, while your heart thumps like a trip-hammer, and your 
tongue becomes unmanageable, console yourself, if you can, 
with the reflection that the stern father who now confronts 
you so coolly, and it may be with such an air of superiority, 
has himself faced a like ordeal : and then plunge desperately 
into the midst of your subject. You may not be very coher- 
ent, and possibly you will be quite ridiculous, viewed from 
the strictly critical standpoint ; but never mind, the old folks 
will understand, and make all necessary allowances. You 
Will have been eloquent and explicit enough if you have simply 
said : "Can Mary be my wife ?" Of course, if you are cooler, 
and have the necessary self-command, you may describe to 
the parents the state of your affections, hinting as you pass 
that Mary is not altogether indifferent, and then pass natu- 
rally and frankly to the main question which will concern 
them, namely, your resources and prospects in life. If you 
can give a satisfactory proof of your ability to provide for 
Mary and a possible family, their consent to your marriage 



94 COURTSHIP. 

will scarcely be withheld if you are otherwise worthy. A 
newspaper anecdote is recalled in this connection : 

"How much property have you?" inquired a careful 
father of the young man who had asked for his daughter's 
hand. 

"None," replied the suitor. "But I am chuck full of 
days' work." 

He got the girl. And it is probably true that all sensible 
fathers would sooner bestow their daughters upon industrious 
and energetic young men who are not afraid of days' work, 
than upon idle loungers with fortunes at their command. 

THE ENGAGEMENT RING. 

When the engagement has been duly made and ratified, 
it is customary for the young man to seal the compact by 
some present to his affianced. A ring is the usual form of 
the gift, and it may be as costly as the gentleman's means 
will justify, Among the wealthy the preference is for dia- 
monds, and either a solitaire or a cluster ring may be chosen. 
But the ring may be set with any other stone — the diamond 
is not essential — or it may be a family heirloom, precious on 
account of its associations, its antiquity, or its quaintness, 
rather than by reason of its intrinsic value. The engage- 
ment ring should be worn upon the ring finger of the right 
hand. 

CONDUCT DURING ENGAGEMENT. 

After the engagement the young man acquires a proper 
standing as a member of the family. He should be recog- 



COURTSHIP. 95 

nized as such, and the family of the engaged lady should 
endeavor to make her suitor feel at home, however protracted 
his visits may be. 

As to the length of engagements, that, of course, is a 
matter which each couple must settle for themselves, accord- 
ing to circumstances. But protracted engagements, as a rule, 
are to be avoided ; they are universally embarrassing. Lov- 
ers are prone to grow exacting, jealous and morose. 

"Alas ! how slight a cause can move 
Dissension between hearts that love." 

Yet, if neither should assume a masterful or jealous 
attitude toward the other, the course of their true love may 
run quite smooth. It were well that they go about in society 
very much after their engagement as they went before. They 
should not shut themselves away from the rest of the world, 
and the fact that they have confessed their love to each other 
ought to be a sufficient guaranty of fidelity. For the rest, 
let there be trust and confidence. 

The attitude of engaged couples toward each other 
should be frank, yet delicate, warm, yet restrained. A lady 
will not be too demonstrative of her affection during the 
interesting period of her engagement. "There's many a 
slip 'twixt the cup and the lip, " and overt displays of pas- 
sion are not pleasant to remember by a young lady if the 
man in the case by any chance fails to become her husband. 
An honorable man will never tempt his future bride to any 
such demonstrations. He will never forget to treat her with 
due respect, and maintain a chivalrous decorum in his de- 
meanor toward her. 



96 COURTSHIP. 

"Lovers hours are long, though seeming short," says the 
bard of Avon. If so easy to forget the flight of time in the 
presence of the one we love, yet lovers should not be unmind- 
ful of the real pain and inconvenience they occasion the 
objects of their devotion when they keep them up beyond a 
reasonable hour, subjecting them to ridicule and censure of 
others. 

In passing, it may be remarked that it is not improper 
to leave an engaged couple alone sometimes, but that they 
should be always so left, under all circumstances and at no 
matter what inconvenience to others, is as absurd as it is 
indelicate. 

THE DOMINEERING LOVER. 

The lover who assumes a domineering attitude over his 
future wife invites her to escape from his tyranny while yet 
she may, and if she be wise she will escape, for the chances 
are that he will be worse as a husband than as a lover. 

BROKEN ENGAGEMENTS. 

When an engagement is to be broken, as engagements 
must be sometimes, owing to the appearance of circumstances 
which make the fulfillment of the compact undesirable, it is 
best to do the necessarily painful work by letter. It is a 
serious business and it should, be undertaken in a serious 
spirit. The position of the acting party is delicate and em- 
barrassing and both tact and generous forbearance should be 
exercised. The letter should be calm and explicit. A clear 
and fair statement of the reasons for breaking the engage- 



COURTSHIP. 97 

ment should be given and no room left for doubt. The com- 
munication should be conclusive, yet gentle, and when sent 
should be accompanied by everything in the way of portraits, 
letters or gifts, which have been received during the engage- 
ment. When such a letter has been received it should be 
acknowledged with dignity and without reproach. No effort 
should be made or measures taken to reverse the decision, 
unless it is obviously founded on a mistake or a misappre- 
hension. In that case, proof of the true situation should be 
made, that harmony may be restored and the old relations 
re-established more firmly than ever. But if the reason jus- 
tify the act, then there is no room for argument or expostula- 
tion. There is nothing to be done but to accept the decision 
and return whatever has been received in the way of gifts, 
letters and picture? . 



WEDDINGS, 



^9 



Not for the summer-hour alone, 

When skieg resplendent shine ; 
And youth and pleasure fill the throne, 

Our hearts and hands we twine ; 
But for those stern and wintry days 

Of peril, pain and fear, 
When Heaven's wise discipline doth make 

The earthly journey drear. 

— Mrs. Sigourney. 



100 



WEDDINGS. 

The institution of marriage is everywhere, among civil- 
faed men, the most regarded. Empires may fall, dynasties 
disappear, states crumble and constitutions fall to pieces, 
yet this sacred compact, this solid foundation of the family 
and guaranty of social order, remains the one enduring factor 
in societies that would otherwise lapse into barbarism and end 
in ruin. 

And marriage is the secret dream, the inspiring hope, of 
every heart. Even Benedick yielded at last ; and never yet 
was there man or woman so embittered in soul that no sweet 
thought lingered of home and children and domestic joys. 

Marriage is, indeed, the great business of life. Our 
poetry, our romance, our drama, the fine arts, all find their 
chief inspiration in the divine passion that knits lives to- 
gether and sets up the fireside trinity under every roof. 
Young men in the factory, the field and the counting-house 
find joy in their toil because it brings nearer to them the real- 
ization of their highest hope. Young women at school or at 
home dream of the sacred mysteries of love and silently 
prepare themselves for the great mission which is theirs to 

fulfill. 

RITES AND CEREMONIES. 

Marriage is a solemn event and it is appropriately 
marked by rites and ceremonies befitting its sacred character. 
7 101 



102 WEDDINGS. 

These vary with the fortunes and wishes of the interested 
parties, the groom usually deferring to the bride in all such 
matters. The form of the rite of marriage may be studied by 
Methodists in their "Book of Discipline ;" by Episcopalians in 
their < 'Book of Common Prayer," and by Catholics in their 
"Bitual." In most cases a rehearsal of the ceremony is made 
in private, in order to avoid awkward blunders at the altar. 
If the wedding takes place before a magistrate, the ceremony 
is merely nominal. The Catholic and Episcopalian forms are 
the most elaborate and perhaps the most impressive, but the 
simplest form is equally effectual. The following rules are 
generally received as governing in this momentous and inter- 
esting conjuncture : 

When the wedding is not strictly private, it is customary 
for bridesmaids and groomsmen to be chosen to assist in the 
duties of the occasion. 

BRIDESMAIDS. 

The bridesmaids should be younger than the bride ; their 
dresses should be conformed to hers ; they should not be more 
expensive, though they are permitted more ornament. Some 
light, graceful material for such dresses is usually selected^ 
and flowers are the principal decoration. 

The bride's dress is marked by its simplicity. But few 
jewels or ornaments should be worn, and these should be the 
gift either of the bridegroom or the parents. A veil and gar- 
land are the distinguishing features of the bride's costume. 

The bridesmaids assist in dressing the bride, receiving 
the company, etc. During the ceremony they stand at the 



WEDDINGS. IO3 

bride's left, the first bridesmaid holding the bride's bouquet 

and gloves. 

GROOMSMEN. 

The groomsmen receive the clergyman, present him to 
the couple to be married, and support the bridegroom upon 
the right during the ceremony. 

CONGRATULATIONS. 
If the wedding takes place in the evening, at home, im- 
mediately after the ceremony the happy pair are congratu- 
lated, first by the relatives, then by the friends, after which 
they are at liberty io mingle with the company. The dresses, 
supper, etc., are usually more gay and elaborate than for a 
morning wedding and reception, where the friends stop for a 
few moments, only, to congratulate the newly-married pair, 
taste the cake and wine, and hurry away. 

CHURCH WEDDING. 

When the ceremony takes place in church, the bride enters 
at the left, with her father, mother, and bridesmaids ; or, at 
all events, with a bridesmaid. The groom enters at the 
right, followed by his attendants. The parents stand behind, 
the attendants at either side. 

The bride should be certain that her glove is readily re- 
movable; the groom that the ring is where he can find it; 
otherwise delay and embarrassment may occur. 

In leaving the church, bride and groom walk arm-in-arm. 
Usually a two-hours' reception follows at home, their intimate 
friends being present, and partaking of the wedding break- 



104 WEDDINGS. 

fast. If the lady appears at the breakfast, which is certainly 
desirable, she occupies, with her husband, the center of the 
table, and sits by his side, her father and mother taking the 
top and bottom, showing all honor to their guests. When the 
cake has been cut, and the health of bride and groom has 
been duly drunk, the bride, attended by her friends, with- 
draws, and, when ready for her departure, the newly-wedded 
pair start on their wedding journey, generally about 2 or 3 
o'clock, the rest of the company shortly after taking their 
leave. 

On such a festive occasion, all appear in their best attire 
and assume their best manners. As stranger guests may be 
present, care should be taken lest the good breeding 
of the family be compromised by some neglect in small 
things. Mysteries concerning knives, forks and plates, or 
throwing "an old shoe" after the bride, have long been ex- 
ploded, and are highly reprehensible. Such practices may 
seem immaterial, but they are not so, and they should be 
studiously avoided. 

WEDDING CARDS. 

Wedding cards are usually sent out to friends and rela- 
tives, designating the date and hour when the newly married 
pair will be "at home. ,, In some circles these cards are is- 
sued almost immediately after the ceremony, but as some 
little inconvenience occasionally attends this custom, as 
young people may wish to extend their wedding tour, or since 
unavoidable delays may occur in along journey, it is perhaps 
better to postpone sending cards for a short time at least. 



'4i 




The Corsican Wedding. 



WEDDINGS. IO5 

As fashions, in wedding cards, change as frequently and 
capriciously as fashions in bonnets, it were idle to say more 
on the subject than that good taste dictates simplicity rather 
than ostentation. The plainer the card the more becoming 
and appropriate it will be as a rule. 

CALLING ON NEWLY WEDDED COUPLES. 

No one to whom a wedding card has not been sent ought 
to call on a newly wedded couple. 

When the days named for seeing company arrive, re- 
member to be punctual. If possible call the first day 
promptly at the designated hour. Wedding cake and wine 
are handed round, each guest partaking and each giving ex- 
pression to some wish for the happiness of the wedded pair. 

If the gentleman is in a profession, and it happens that 
he cannot await the arrival of such as call according to the 
invitation on the wedding card, an apology must be made, 
and, if possible, an old friend of the family should represent 
him. A bride must on no account receive her visitors with- 
out her mother, or sister, or some friend being present, not 
even if her husband is at home. This rule is imperative. To 
do otherwise is to disregard the usages of society. 

RETURNING VISITS. 

Wedding visits must be returned within the course of a 
few days, and parties are usually made for the young couple, 
which they are expected to return. However, this does not 
necessarily involve much visiting, neither is it expected from a 



106 WEDDINGS. 

young couple whose resources may be limited, or when the 
husband has his way to make in the world. 

ADDITIONAL HINTS. 

The wedding fee should be enclosed in the envelope with 
the marriage license. It may be any sum, from five dollars 
to five hundred, according to the financial ability of the 
bridegroom. 

June is the favorite month for marriages, but Septem- 
ber, another beautiful month in our climate, is sometimes 
preferred. May has been considered unlucky ever since the 
days of ancient Kome. Ovid says : "That time, too, was not 
auspicious for the marriage torches of the widow or of the 
virgin. She who married then — in May — did not long re- 
main a wife. 19 

It is left to the bride to name the day. She is also con- 
sulted in all matters of detail relating to the great event. 

The wedding tour is rapidly declining in fashion. Once 
deemed indispensable, it is now a matter of choice, and is 
often not undertaken, the groom taking his bride at once to 
their new home, which he has prepared in advance. Nor is 
the honeymoon retirement any longer de rigueur. It may be 
observed or not, according to the pleasure of those most con- 
cerned. 

Wedding invitations do not require any answer unless 
one is requested, except in the case of a sit-down breakfast, 
or a small home wedding. Friends at a distance ticknowk 
edge a wedding invitation by sending their cards in an enve- 



WEDDINGS. I07 

lope addressed to the bride's parents, or to the person in whose 
name the invitations are issued. 

A recent authority says that while in England the brides- 
maids may be from two to twelve in number, in this country 
they rarely exceed six or eight. "They should be chosen from 
among the sisters and other near relatives of the bride and 
groom, and from the bride's intimate* friends. According to 
the present fashion, they are often dressed in picturesque, 
even quaint, costumes, sometimes wearing bonnets or hats, 
sometimes with short veils, etc. They should always wear 
very light colors or white." The bridesmaids should always 
be unmarried. 

Groomsmen have been supplanted by the "best man/' 
who usurps the functions of the former, and supports the 
bridegroom through all the trying ordeal. He is usually an 
intimate friend or a near relative of the groom, and to him is 
entrusted many of the small details of the affair, such as 
feeing the clergyman, holding the groom's hat during the 
ceremony, and assisting the ushers at the wedding reception. 

For a daytime wedding the groom and all the gentlemen 
wear morning dress. The bride may wear evening dress if 
she pleases. The groom wears a frock coat, light trousers 
and gloves, but the gloves must not be white, nor must he 
wear a white necktie. These go only with full evening dress. 

At church, the relatives of the groom are placed on the 
right of the altar, the relatives of the bride taking the left. 
The chief usher should, therefore, be acquainted with most of 
the relatives and guests, so that confusion in this particular 



108 WEDDINGS. 

may be avoided. If, in any case he is in doubt, he n ay make 
direct inquiry of the person, and thus make sure. 

Nowadays the bride usually has the ring finger of the left- 
hand glove cut, so that it can be readily removed, thus sav- 
ing the embarrassment which once attended the removal of 
the whole glove. 

The bride does not recognize any one in passing to or 
from the altar. 

In the Eoman Catholic Church the bride may not wear 
a decollette costume. 

A bride does not usually dance at her own wedding, but 
she may join in a square dance if she chooses. 

A widow, at her second marriage, does not wear orange 
blossoms, bridal veil or white attire. 

It is now the fashion for brides to drop their middle names 
and substitute their family names. A widow who remarries 
often retains the name of her first husband as a middle 
name. 

Wedding gifts may or may not be displayed, as the 
family elect. 

After the wedding invitations have been issued, the bride* 
elect does not appear in public. 

Young married people are prone to make public exhibi- 
tions of their affection. This is in exceeding bad taste 
and should be scrupulously avoided. 



^kdM 




The Honeymoon, 



WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 

Anniversary weddings are now very generally celebrated 
and their etiquette does not widely differ from that of actual 
marriages. Those anniversaries which are especially 
observed are the fifth, the tenth, the fifteenth, the twenty- 
fifth and the fiftieth, the latter, it is true, occurring to very 
few of all those who adventure upon the sea of matrimony. 
On the fifth anniversary occurs what is popularly known as 
the wooden wedding ; on the tenth the tin, on the fifteenth 
the crystal, on the twenty-fifth the silver and on the fiftieth 
the golden. The twentieth anniversary is not often cele- 
brated, as there is a superstition, of Scotch origin, that if it is, 
one or the other of the married pair will die within the 
year. 

The diamond wedding occurs on the seventy-fifth anni. 
versary of marriage, but it is needless to say that it is very, 
very rarely celebrated. Other anniversaries have been 
named as follows, but they are not often observed in any 
formal manner : 

Iron — the first anniversary. 

Paper — the second. 

Leather — the third. 

Straw — the fourth. 

Woolen — the seventh. 

in 



112 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 

Pearl — the thirtieth. 
Coral — the thirty-fifth. 
Bronze — the forty-fifth. 

THE INVITATIONS. 

The invitations to any of these — from iron to diamond- 
should be appropriate in design, and the presents are ex- 
pected to be in keeping. For example, cards for the pearl 
wedding are printed on pearl-colored board, those for coral 
wedding on pink and those for the bronze on bronze, while 
for the silver and the golden weddings, the printing is in 
silver and gold respectively. For the tin wedding the invita- 
tions are often on small pieces of tin-plate, enclosed in enve- 
lopes that are made in imitation of tin. 

THE GOLDEN WEDDING. 

The golden wedding is oftener an occasion of sad than 
of joyful memories. A couple who have sailed life's sea to- 
gether for fifty long years must in the nature of things have left 
youth and hope behind them ; and many wrecks must have 
marked their long, long voyage. Yet the golden wedding is 
sometimes celebrated and perhaps grandpa and grandma, 
surrounded by their children and their children's children, 
find enough in the brightness of the youth and hope around 
them to compensate for all the losses and disappointments 
of age. 



WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. I 1^ 

THE GIFTS APPROPRIATE. 

The gifts appropriate for such an occasion are suggested 
by the name, but it is not often that presents of gold can be 
afforded. And even if they could be, it is not likely that to 
people who have advanced far into the valley of the shadow 
of death the very splendor of such rich offerings would be as 
a painful mockery ! It is quite sufficient that the cards an- 
nouncing the event shall be done in gold on thick white 
paper, yet a gift of jewelry is not inappropriate. The aged 
bride receives her children, grandchildren and friends in some 
relic of her first wedding— say the gown, or veil, or fan ; and 
in her hand she holds a bouquet of white flowers. A wedding 
cake with a ring in it is prepared, the monograms of the 
pair, with the date of their marriage, decorating its surface. 

SOMETIMES SAD. 

"These golden weddings," says a recent writer, "are apt 
to be sad. It is not well for the old to keep anniversaries— 
too many ghosts come to the feast. Still, if people are happy 
enough to wish to do so, there can be no harm in it. Their 
surroundings may possibly surpass their fondest dreams, but 
as it regards themselves, the contrasts are painful. They have 
little in common with bridal joys, and unless it is the wish of 
some irrepressible descendant, few old couples care to celebrate 
the golden wedding save in their hearts. If they have started 
at the foot of the ladder and have risen, they may not wish 
to remember their early struggles ; if they have started high 
and have gradually sunk into poverty or ill-health, they cer- 



114 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES 

tainly do not wish to photograph those better days by the 
fierce light of an anniversary. It is only the very exception- 
ally good, happy and serene people who can afford to cele- 
brate a golden wedding." 

SILVER WEDDING. 

Bat with the silver wedding it is very different. When 
that occurs the married pair are usually in their prime. Life 
is wearing the aspect of success. Perhaps the children are 
all still at home, and the future smiles upon them full of 
promise. The occasion is one of hope, rather than of re- 
membrances and regret, and all can enter into its celebration 
with cheerful zest 

THE CARDS AND GIFTS. 

The cards for the silver wedding are printed either on 
silvered paper, or in silver ink, and the presents are all of sil- 
ver, from costly dinner sets to simple ornaments. It is usual 
to mark these, either with the words "Silver Wedding," or 
with an appropriate motto, and the initials of the pair in a 
true-lover's knot. The variety of these gifts is, of course, 
endless, and it is, therefore, useless to say more on this head. 
The fashion and your purse and good taste must dictate the 
character of your gift in any case. 

THE ENTERTAINMENT. 

The entertainment at a silver wedding does not differ 
materially from that at an ordinary reception. Sometimes 
the pair stand under a marriage bell, as they did twenty-five 
years before, and once more take the vows that bound them 



WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. II5 

for better or for worse. Following that they receive the con- 
gratulations of the guests, and then comes the cutting of the 
wedding cake, and the eager search for the ring. A bountiful 
feast, with toasts and speeches, crowns the celebration, 
which should be merry, and altogether hopeful. 

THE CRYSTAL WEDDING. 
The crystal wedding occurs on the fifteenth anniversary 
of the original marriage. It is not widely celebrated but many 
observe it with feasting and merry-making, the cards being in 
appropriate design, and the presents all of glass, in infinite 
variety. 

THE TIN WEDDING. 

On the tenth anniversary of marriage occurs the tin 
wedding, and this is the occasion of general jollity. The 
presents are all of tin, and the most surprising novelties 
are often provided for the occasion, including tin purses, tin 
fenders, tin chandeliers, tin fans, tin tables, and all imagina- 
ble things, useful and ornamental, within the range of the 
tinsmith's facile art. 

THE WOODEN WEDDING. 

Another gay celebration is that of the fifth anniversary, 
or the wooden wedding, when the cards are printed on beau- 
tiful bits of veneer, and the presents include everything in 
the range of wood-carving and cabinet-making. This cele- 
bration began as a joke within recent years, a step-ladder, a 
washboard, and a rolling-pin being the first gifts ; but it has 



Il6 WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. 

now become an institution, and it is among the pleasantest 
of the anniversary occasions. 

THE CEREMONY, GIFTS, ETC. 

Writing of anniversary weddings, a recent contributor to 
the literature of the subject, declares that "the entertainment, 
to be perfect, should occur exactly at the hour at which the 
marriage took place, but as that has been found to be inconven- 
ient, the marriage hour is ignored, and the party takes place 
in the evening, generally, and with all the characteristics of a 
modern reception. The bridal pair stand together, of course, 
to receive, and as many of the original party of the grooms- 
men and bridesmaids as can be got together should be induced 
\o form a part of the group. There can be no objection to the 
sending of flowers, and particular friends who wish, can, of 
course, send other gifts, but there should be no obligation. 
We may say here that the custom of giving bridal gifts has 
become an outrageous abuse of a good idea. From being a 
pretty custom, which had its basis in the excellent system of 
our Dutch ancestors, who combined to help the young couple 
by presents of bed and table linen, and necessary table 
furniture and silver, it has now sometimes degenerated into a 
form of ostentation, and is a great tax on the friends of 
the bride. People in certain relations to the family are 
even expected to send certain gifts. It has been known to 
be the case that the bride allowed some officious friend to 
suggest that she should have silver, or pearls, or diamonds, 
and a rich old bachelor uncle is sure to be told what is 



WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES. l\J 

t xpected from him. But when a couple have reached their 
silver wedding, and are able and willing to celebrate it, 
it may be supposed that they are beyond the necessity of 
appealing to the generosity of their friends ; therefore it is 
a good custom to have this phrase added to the silver- 
wedding invitations : "No presents received." 



INTRODUCTIONS. 



119 



INTRODUCTIONS 

Among certain barbarous peoples the exchange of names 
is the highest proof of amity, and in civilized society this idea 
survives in the formal introduction which etiquette demands 
whenever strangers are thrown together in social intercourse. 
In large cities people meet day after day for years in public 
conveyances, in stores and shops, on the street, or upon the 
stairs, without a sign of lecognition, simply because the cere- 
mony of introduction has never taken place. In the country 
the rule is less rigid, and intercourse between neighbors is 
seldom hampered by the conventionalities th?i are so great 
and perhaps so necessary a restraint in the great centers of 
social life. The resident of a village finds it hard to believe 
that his friend in the city should not know his next-door 
neighbor, whom he sees every day in the year ; yet it is a 
fact that men living even under the same roof in Chicago or 
New York will grow gray together without ever once having 
exchanged so much as a nod, although each may know the 
other's name and be assured of his respectability; but 
nobody has ever said : "Mr. Brown, Mr. Smith; Mr. Smith, 
Mr. Brown ; " and so Messrs. Smith and Brown remain as 
utterly strangers to each other as if the sea, and not the walls 
of a flat, divided them. 

But this is established usage, and established usage is 

121 



122 INTRODUCTIONS. 

stronger than law. It cannot be ignored with impunity, ex- 
cept in rare instances, as in the case of accident or calamity, 
when all rules yield to the emergency. We have read some- 
where of an elderly spinister, a stickler for etiquette, who 
was about to be consumed in a burning house. A gallant 
stranger, perceiving her peril, at the risk of his own life, 
mounted the stairs, burst into her chamber and sought to 
carry her out. But she waved him off. "Go away," said 
she, faintly through the smoke, "I do not know you. We 
have never been introduced ! " Perhaps the stranger would 
have been justified under the circumstances in leaving the 
lady to her fate ; but he didn't. He broke down all conven- 
tionalities, seized the imperiled fair one in his stalwart arms and 
bore her through the smoke and flames in triumph, amid the 
plaudits of the crowd. But she never forgave him for his 
"rudeness" in presenting himself to her without an introduc- 
tion. 

Happily, however, this sort of folly is exceptional. A 
little accident on the rail will quickly bring all the passen- 
gers together, conventionalities being forgotten in the com- 
mon danger and excitement. And so formalities are waived 
in times of distress and calamity. No one stands on cere- 
mony where succor is needed. No one stops to study the 
proprieties when peril is nigh. It is only in the artificial sur- 
roundings of society, where there is peace and security, that 
barriers arise against possible intrusion and men defend 
themselves within conventional breastworks from their fel- 
low-men. It is not for us here to moralize On this curious 



INTRODUCTIONS. 1 23 

phase of social life, nor to question the justice and common 
sense of the usages which it has dictated and established. 
It is enough if we simply indicate these usages and leave the 
rest to the individual judgment of our readers. 

BE SURE THE INTRODUCTION IS AGREEABLE. 

One of the first things to be considered when you pro- 
pose bringing strangers together is whether both will be 
pleased with the introduction. To introduce two people who 
do not want to know each other will not win for you the 
thanks of either ; and therefore great prudence and caution 
should be exercised in all cases where there is the possibility 
of giving offense or occasioning embarrassment. And espec- 
ial care should be taken where a lady is concerned. Where 
a man is introduced to an undesirable person it is compara- 
tively easy for him to protect himself; but a lady cannot rid 
herself of an improper acquaintance with equal facility, and 
her reputation is much more likely to suffer from a doubtful 
^association than a man. Hence it is very important that 
only those of unimpeachable integrity and unsullied fame 
should be introduced to her ; and she owes it to herself to 
receive introductions only through such persons as she may 
rely upon with perfect confidence as to their judgment and 
prudence. If her father, mother, husband, brother or sister 
offer to introduce a friend, she may accept the new acquain- 
tance without hesitation, as a rule, and so when near rela- 
tives and intimate friends make such an offer, she is justified 



1 24 INTRODUCTIONS. 

in making no objection, although the latter aie not to be re- 
lied upon so implicitly as the former. - 

HOST AND HOSTESS INTRODUCE. 

The host and hostess at a ball introduce the guests to 
each other. This is a duty, but the guests may attend to 
this civility among themselves when there is occasion. But 
no one is to be presented to a lady without her express per- 
mission, which she must grant except in the case that she 
has some strong reason for refusing it. 

INTRODUCTIONS AT BALLS. • 

At private balls abroad formal introductions are dis- 
pensed with, on the theory that only such people have been 
invited as are entirely worthy of respect, self-introductions 
being thus justified, the mere fact that the guests have been 
invited to meet each other offering a sufficient guaranty of 
all that is required. And this custom saves a great deal of 
trouble, but it is possible only in private houses. At a pub- 
lic ball partners must be formally introduced to each other 
by the master of ceremonies, but ladies are frequently care- 
ful to dance at such entertainments only with the members 
of their own particular parties or with gentlemen they have 

previously known. 

FORMS OF INTRODUCTION. 

Introductions are often bungled in a most distressing 
manner. The well-meaning person who undertakes the office 
becomes confused, forgets the names, or does or says some 
awkward thing that increases his embarrassment. This is 



INTRODUCTIONS. I 2 5 

generally due to inexperience, or to some doubt as to just 
how the ceremony should be performed; yet it is simple 
enough, in all conscience, and even the least experienced 
should be able to go through it without hesitation or embar- 
rassment. When introducing two gentlemen, you should look 
first to the elder, or, if there is a difference in social standing, 
to the superior, and with a bow say to him, "Mr. Jones, per- 
mit me to introduce to you my friend, Mr. Smith ;" then turn 
to Mr. Smith and say, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Jones." If either 
of the gentlemen has a title, do not fail to use it, as "Dr. 
Bill, allow me to introduce Gen. Cannon; Gen. Cannon, Dr. 
Bill." Where either gentleman has a peculiar distinction, it 
should be indicated in the introduction, as "Mr. Brown, I 
have the honor of introducing Mr. Thompson, author of 'The 
Death of a Hero/ Mr. Thompson, Mr. Brown, the painter." 
Irkintroducing a gentleman to a lady, bow slightly to her and 
say, >f M-iss Bomayne, allow me to introduce Mr. Montagu; 
Mr. Montagu (bowing to him), Miss Komayne.' , When sev- 
eral persons are introduced to one, the following form is per- 
haps the best : "Mr. Dane, permit me to introduce Mr. and 
Mrs. Frank, Miss Courtney, Mr. Barnard and Mr. Amber, ss 
bowing slightly to each when named. When the person in- 
troduced is a stranger in the city, it is well to mention his 
place of residence, thus : "Mr. Green, allow me to intro- 
duce Judge Orton, of San Francisco ; Judge Orton, Mr* 
Green, editor of The Dial" Great care should be taken in 
pronouncing the names. To mumble them is to invite con- 
fusion and occasion embarrassment. By all means speak 
the names distinctly. 



126 INTRODUCTIONS. 

OFFERING THE HAND. 

When gentlemen are introduced, it is customary, b\ai not 
obligatory, for them to shake hands. They may do so or not, 
as they may elect. But an unmarried lady acknowledges the 
introduction of a gentleman by a bow only. Where two 
ladies are introduced, it is the custom, at least in country 
towns, for them to salute each other by kissing ; but as it has 
been elsewhere remarked, it is a custom more honored in the 
breach than the observance. When young people are intro- 
duced to one older in years, and secure in social position, it 
is a graceful act on the part of the latter to extend his hand, 
and to speak a pleasant word or two by way of encourage- 
ment. 

HONORING INTRODUCTIONS. 

When persons have been formally introduced, they have 
certain definite obligations resting upon them which good 
breeding requires them to honor. They may not meet with- 
out recognition ; they must treat each other civilly ; and, if 
they do not desire the acquaintance to go beyond formality, 
the fact may be signified without rudeness, by a polite bow. 
This is modified in the case of ball-room introductions, it 
being optional with the lady whether she afterward recognize 
a gentleman with whom she may have danced. Nor does eti- 
quette require that gentlemen who have met casually at the 
house, or in the rooms of a mutual friend, shall recognize 
each other afterward. They certainly may do so if they like, 
but if they choose to do otherwise, no social rule is broken. 



INTRODUCTIONS. I 2 J 

WHEN INTRODUCTIONS ARE NOT OBLIGATORY. 

Persons may or may not be introduced when they chance 
to meet at your house during a morning call. You need not 
introduce them if you do not choose to do so, or if you doubt 
whether the parties concerned would be gratified. Where it 
is known that an introduction would be agreeable on both 
sides, it may be given on such an occasion with perfect pro- 
priety. But where such introductions have taken place, it is 
optional with the parties concerned whether they recognize 
each other subsequently . They may continue, or drop the 
acquaintance, according to their pleasure, the decision resting, 
however, with the lady, if between lady and gentleman, with 
the married, or elder lady, if between lady and lady, and 
with the elder, if between gentlemen. 

As it has been elsewhere stated, an introduction is not 
required when, in walking with one friend, you meet an- 
other. Indeed, an introduction should not be given unless 
there is some very good reason for it. Nor are itroduc- 
tions required when friends, accompanied by strangers, meet 
in any public place. But sisters, brothers and relatives may 
always be presented to friends, even when casually met. 

It is required of a gentleman that he shall raise his 
hat if introduced in the street to one of either sex. 

ALWAYS INTRODUCE GUESTS. 

But in the case of a friend who is visiting at your 
house it is required that every caller shall be introduced, 
and your callers must continue to recognize him as long as 



128 « INTRODUCTIONS. 

he remains your guest. So, also, introductions given at a 
party to a visiting stranger must be- recognized as long as 
the visit continues. And when you meet a visitor at the 
house of a friend you are bound to show him every possible 
courtesy. 

ADDITIONAL HINTS. 

Informal introductions are permissible where travelers are 
thrown together, on shipboard, or in railway trains ; but much 
prudence should be exercised in this particular. An ac- 
quaintance thus begun ends with the journey. The advances 
of a fellow-passenger are to be repelled only where they are 
evidently dictated by improper motives, or are characterized 
by rudeness. 

You are justified in resenting the introduction to you by 
a friend of one who is objectionable, and you may properly 
treat the act as you would any other insult. 

If a friend introduces one of his relatives, you are bound 
to treat that relative with respect, and recognize him as an 
acquaintance, except where some very special reason exists to 
justify a contrary course 

You are not required to introduce a friend with whom 
you may be walking, to another friend you may chance to 
meet on the street, even though the latter may stop for a min- 
ute's chat, or join you in your walk. 

An introduction to one in authority upon whom you have 
called as a petitioner, cannot be presumed upon at any future 
time. It gives you no claim to acquaintanceship. 

Letters of introduction should be given only where the 



INTRODUCTIONS. 1 29 

writer is entirely willing to stand sponsor for the person in 
question. Especial caution should be exercised where a lady 
is concerned. 

On the receipt of a letter of introduction you are re- 
quired to treat the bearer with politeness, requesting him to be 
seated, and showing him any other small attention which the 
situation may demand, pending the perusal of the letter. 
When that has been read, you must then act promptly, not 
forgetting your friend, whose feelings and wishes you are bound 
to consider in what you do. A lady should not present a let- 
ter of introduction to a gentleman in person, but enclose it to 
him with her card, leaving him to acknowledge its receipt by 
calling upon her. 



STREET ETIQUETTE. 



131 



STREET ETIQUETTE. 

It is often a very serious question with both ladies and 
gentlemen as to what is required of them by the rules of eti- 
quette on the street. They may be reasonably versed in the 
proprieties of the ball-room and the parlor, and yet have only 
the haziest conception of the duties and civilities of the public 
thoroughfare. Whether a gentleman should recognize a lady 
first, or wait for her to recognize him ; whether he may stop 
to speak with her ; whether he should give her the inside or 
the outside of the pavement if he turn to walk with her ; 
whether he should go first across a narrow crossing or let the 
lady precede him ; whether he should offer his arm in a crowd ; 
all these are serious questions that must at some time have 
perplexed most men ; and there are other questions equally 
perplexing to ladies, which it is our present purpose to answer 
fully yet briefly in the following pages. 

RECOGNIZING FRIENDS. 

Gentlemen recognize their friends, if of their own sex, 
by simply lifting their hats ; if of the opposite sex, they must 
not only lift the hat, but they must also bow. It is also proper 
for them to give this added mark of deference to clergymen, 
distinguished citizens and elderly men. In shaking hands 
with a friend a gentleman extends his right hand while lift- 
ing his hat with the left. The latter hand must never be 

133 



134 STREET ETIQUETTE. 

extended. It is a breach of good manners to offer only a 
portion of the hand in performing this civil ceremonial. 

In America the gentleman bows to every lady he knows, 
without waiting for her recognition, as he would do in Eng- 
land. It is her duty to acknowledge the civility with a 
pleasant smile and an inclination of the head. If the gen- 
tleman be smoking, he must remove his cigar from his 
mouth while bowing to the lady. 

WHICH SIDE OF PAVEMENT TO TAKE. 

When walking alone a gentleman must turn aside to 
a lady, to one carrying a load, to a clergyman, or to an 
old person. "The rule of the road" is varied only in these 
cases; the general law being to "keep to the right" in meet- 
ing and passing other pedestrians. This law applies to 
women as well as to men, and its strict observance will save 
a good deal of jostling and annoyance. 

Ladies should always be given the inside of the pave- 
ment, even if the gentleman be obliged to change at every 

corner. 

STOPPING ACQUAINTANCES ON STREET. 

If a gentleman meet a lady who is walking with any 
one he does not know, he must not stop, nor must he stop 
if his companion is unacquainted with a lady whom he may 
chance to encounter. However, the lady has a perfect right 
to stop if she chooses. If she should stop, then the stranger 
must be introduced, and no member of the group is per- 
mitted to pass on and wait, whether the introduction is agree- 
able or not. 



STREET ETIQUETTE. I 35 

OFFERING ASSISTANCE. 

It is not improper for a gentleman to offer assistance to 
a lady over a dangerous crossing, or in alighting from a car- 
riage. She may accept such a courtesy without hesitating, 
and when it has been rendered the gentleman should raise 
his hat, bow, and pass on. 

THE USE OF UMBRELLAS. 

if a gentleman is walking with two ladies in a rain- 
storm, and there is but one umbrella, he should yield it to 
his fair companions, and walk outside. To do otherwise is 
absurd, for if he should walk between them he would be 
perfectly protected himself, but the ladies would get the ben- 
efit of the innumerable little streams running off the um- 
brella. 

NEVER STOP LADY ON STREET. 

Gentlemen will not stop a lady on the street to converse 
with her, but will turn and walk by her side. If she should 
be accompanied by a male companion, it is well to be sure 
that your presence will not be an intrusion before venturing 
to join them in their walk. 

OFFERING THE ARM. 

A gentleman may offer his arm to a lady whenever her 
safety, comfort or convenience will be subserved, as in pass- 
ing through a crowd, or over a slippery pavement. At night 
a gentleman always offers his arm to a lady companion, and 
also in ascending the steps of a public building. He should 
keep step with a lady with military precision, regulating his 



I36 STREET ETIQUETTE. 

gait by hers. To walk rapidly with a lady is not in good form, 
since it is generally a severe trial to her, and involves her in 
a good deal of awkwardness, and perhaps discomfort. 

A gentleman walking with two ladies may offer an arm 
to each, but a lady may not thus sandwich herself between 
two gentlemen. 

HOW TO CROSS A NARROW CROSSING. 

In crossing a narrow walk, a plank or a slippery place, 
the lady may go first, the gentleman following close behind, 
to aid her if required. If the distance is short, the gentle- 
man may step over and then give his hand to the lady. If a 
gentleman meet a strange lady or an elderly gentleman at 
such a point, he may with perfect propriety offer his assist- 
ance. 

ASCENDING AND DESCENDING STAIRS. 

Gentlemen always precede ladies in going up -stairs, and 
follow them in coming down, unless, indeed, they walk beside 
them, in which case the arm is offered. 

SMOKING IN PRESENCE OF LADIES. 

The rule which absolutely forbids smoking in the pres- 
ence of ladies, even with their express permission, has lost its 
force to a very great degree, so that in these degenerate days 
gentlemen are even permitted to enjoy their cigars while walk- 
ing with their lady friends. It is more polite, however, to 
avoid smoking under such circumstances. 

It is an impropriety on the part of a lady to accept the 
offer of an umbrella from a strange gentleman. Such an 



STREET ETIQUETTE. I 37 

offer must be firmly, yet politely, declined. She may accept 
such a courtesy from an acquaintance, however, without a 
breach of good manners. In such a case the umbrella should 
be returned the moment she reaches her destination. 

SHOPPING. 

A cynic who was asked what was the chief end of woman 
said that it was "to go shopping." Of course this was unjust, 
but the fact remains that the business of shopping is one 
of very great concern to the fair sex, and in conducting it they 
have established, and most of them observe, certain rules 
which are designed to preserve the proprieties and to main- 
tain the rights of others. 

In the first place, it is held to be unladylike to enter a 
store unless you have a real errand. To go in "just to be go- 
ing" is rude and necessarily annoying to proprietor and cierks. 

It is a good idea to know what you want before you go 
into a store. To stand at a counter hesitating, or to be unable 
to tell the clerk what you came for, is a doubtful compliment 
to yourself. If you cannot come to a decision, retire from 
the store until your mind is made up. The time of the clerks 
is valuable. 

If your purpose in visiting a store is not to purchase, but 
to examine goods for future selection, let the fact be known, 
and do not look at fifty things you do not want. 

Do not ask for samples unless you mean to return for 
the goods. An apology for the trouble caused in such cases 
will be graceful. Always avoid giving unnecessary trouble. 



I38 STREET ETIQUETTE. 

It is considered ill-bred to lounge over a counter, or to 
puu your elbows upon it. Thrusting aside other people is un- 
pardonably rude. Stage asides and whisperings in a store 
are in very doubtful taste. 

When your purchases have been made, order the bundles 
sent home. A lady loaded down like a packhorse is not the 
most graceful object in the world, and in a public conveyance 
she is little less than a nuisance. 

If, while trading, you desire to chat with a friend, step 
aside for the time being, thus releasing the clerk. To keep 
him waiting while you exchange gossip is extremely inconsid- 
erate. Nor should you call a clerk who is attending another 
customer. Wait till he is disengaged, and then make your 
wants known. 

It is a serious rudeness to take hold of a piece of 
goods or an article that another is inspecting. If you 
want to examine it, await your turn. And in hand- 
ling any article for sale be very careful that you do not 
soil or injure it in any way. 

It is just as well to reserve your comments upon goods 
displayed. If you do not like them you do not have to 
buy* and sneering remarks about them may give offense, 
without helping matters in the least. 

As it is rightly deemed impertinent to volunteer to a 
friend your opinion of a proposed purchase, so it is held to 
be equally impertinent to invite that friend's criticism of 
an article you think of buying, at least, while the friend is 
engaged. If your opinion is not invited, do not give it : and do 
not interrupt your friends to get the benefit of their judgment. 



STREET ETIQUETTE. 1 39 

STREET ATTIRE. 
Ladies of really good breeding will not go upon the 
streets, either on a shopping expedition or for other purposes, 
in flashy attire. On the contrary, they will dress soberly, if 
elegantly, and their deportment will be such as to attract the 
least notice. They will walk quietly, seeing and hearing 
nothing that they ought not to see and hear, recognizing ac- 
quaintances with a courteous bow, and friends with cordial, 
yet not effusive greetings. 

FORM NO STREET ACQUAINTANCE 

Whether young or old, they will form no acquaintances 
on the streets, and their conduct will be marked by a modest 
reserve, which will keep impertinence at a distance, and dis- 
arm criticism. The very appearance of evil must be avoided, 
and she is not a true lady who so carries herself in the pub- 
lic thoroughfare that loafers stare as she goes by, and "mash- 
ers" follow her with insulting attentions. 

And this suggests the remark that gentlemen do not con- 
gregate at street corners, theatre doors, and on church steps 
for the purpose of staring at ladies as they pass. Cads do 
this, and loafers, but no self-respecting or respectable man is 
ever seen occupying a position which entitles him to the con- 
tempt of women, and to the righteous indignation of fathers, 
husbands and brothers. 

LADIES ALONE AT NIGHT. 

Ladies who venture out alone at night must not ex- 
pect to escape notice, nor must they be surprised if they 



I40 STREET ETIQUETTE. 

become the victims of rudeness and the subject of severe 
criticism. In country villages the rule is somewhat relaxed, 
it being a custom for two or more young ladies to go out for 
an evening walk, but even in these quieter communities it 
is better for ladies to go out after nightfall only when they can 
have the protection of male escorts. 

ADDITIONAL NOTES. 

It is in bad form to call out loudly to a passing acquaint- 
ance. Loud talking and laughing are alike reprehensible. 

In walking with a lady, it is the province of a gentleman 
to carry her parasol, or any book or parcel she may have 
with her, and he should insist upon doing so. 

Experience suggests the propriety of turning corners 
with a certain degree of caution. To go around at full speed 
is to run the risk of a collision, which may be both awkward 
and painful. 

It is inadmissible to look back at one you have passed ; 
only the vulgar do this. 

A lady is not expected to recognize an acquaintance 
across the street. 

A gentleman will return the salute of a stranger who 
may bow to the lady with whom he is walking. If he is 
walking with a gentleman friend who bows to a lady, he 
should also bow. 

In shaking hands on the street, it is entirely unnecessary 
to remove the gloves. 



RIDING AND DRIVING. 



141 



RIDING AND DRIVING. 

In this connection the etiquette of riding and driving may 
very properly be considered. In earlier days horseback rid- 
ing was almost universal, and our grandmothers and grand- 
fathers were as accomplished in the saddle as our belles and 
beaux of to-day are in music and dancing. But riding is still 
a fashionable diversion and a healthful exercise, and at New- 
port and other resorts of the gay world of pleasure, a horse- 
back dash across country is an exciting event, which divides 
attention with the dinner party and the ball. Some hints on 
the proprieties of equestrianism may be found useful. 

"Keep to the right, as the law directs." This is the rule 
of the road, both for riding and driving. 

GENTLE MOUNT. 

j In inviting a lady to ride, a gentleman must exercise 
great caution in regard to her mount. If he cannot offer the 
use of his own horses, or the lady does not designate an ani- 
mal to which she has been accustomed, he must secure one 
of proved gentleness, and trained to the side-saddle and rid- 
ing-habit. It is very dangerous to permit a lady to mount a 
horse which may be unused to a lady's hand or skirts ; and 
the judgment of liverymen and grooms should not be trusted 
too far in so important a matter. 

143 



144 RIDING AND DRIVING. 

PUNCTUALITY. 

Punctuality on the part of the gentleman in keeping an 
appointment to go riding with a lady is imperative. It can 
not be otherwise than disagreeable for her to sit in-doors, 
waiting, in her riding habit. Nor must she keep the gentle- 
man waiting, for in that case the horses may become restive 
from long standing. 

ASSISTING LADY TO MOUNT. 

Before permitting the lady to mount, her escort must 
carefully examine the girths and stirrup of her saddle, and 
the bit and reins of the bridle. Not a strap or buckle should 
escape inspection, and every possible precaution should be 
taken against accident. 

Having attended to this important preliminary, the lady 
must then be handed to her seat, her permission having first 
been obtained. If a groom be present, he should render no 
other assistance than that of holding the horse, standing at 
his head. The lady stands, with her skirts carefully gathered 
in her left hand, on the near, or left side, of the animal, her 
right hand on the pommel of the saddle, and her face toward 
the horse's head. The gentleman should face the lady, stand- 
ing at the horse's shoulder. He should then stoop, so that her 
left foot may rest in his right hand. When she springs, the 
gentleman should, with a gentle firmness, lift her up, being 
careful, however, not to give her so great an impetus that she 
will overleap the saddle. 



RIDING AND DRIVING. 1 45 

ON THE ROAD. 

When she has safely got her seat, and you have placed 
her foot in the stirrup and smoothed out her habit, you may 
mount your own horse, and leave the lady to set the pace, 
keeping to the right, or on the off side, of her horse. "When 
riding with two ladies, the gentleman should ride to the right 
of both if they -are experienced equestriennes ; but if they 
are inexperienced, he should ride between them, the better to 
afford them assistance should they require it ; but a gentle- 
man must never touch a lady's horse unless she actually 
needs his aid. Yet he must be very watchful, and ready for 
any emergency. 

Whenever a gate is to be opened, an obstruction to be 
removed, or a doubtful or dangerous place to be crossed, the 
gentleman must ride ahead. He must pay all tolls, and when 
a fence or ditch is to be cleared he must leap first. He should 
also select the most desirable roads, and when there is a choice 
of sides, by reason of shade, or otherwise, he may ride upon 
her left, or drop behind her, thus allowing her to take advan- 
tage of it. As far as possible he must protect her from the 
dust and mud, and he must never ride at a faster pace than it 
may be agreeable for the lady to go. 

ASSISTING LADY TO DISMOUNT. 

In dismounting, a gentleman offers a lady his right hand, 
taking her left. His own left hand he uses as a step for her 
foot, declining it gently as soon as she rises from the saddle. 
A lady should not attempt to spring from the saddle. To do 
so is not only awkward, but dangerous. 



I46 RIDING AND DRIVING. 

When a gentleman on horseback meets a lady walking, 
he should dismount if he stops to speak with her. 

THE SEAT OF HONOR. 

In a carriage, where a coachman is outside, the seat 
of honor is that on the right hand, facing the horses. It 
is accorded the lady, an elderly person, or the guest. The 
seat facing the horses is always left to the ladies. If a. lady 
and gentleman alone enter a carriage, the latter must occupy 
the seat facing her, unless she invite him to sit by her side. 

HOW TO GET IN OR OUT OF CARRIAGE. 

In entering a carriage one should be careful to have one's 
back to the seat to be occupied. 

It is quite an art to enter or leave a carriage gracefully, 
and gentlemen cannot be too careful of what they do. To 
trample a lady's dress, or shut her shawl in the door is ex- 
tremely awkward. In quitting a carriage the gentleman must 
get out first, even if he be obliged to trouble the ladies by 
stepping across in, front of them. He must then assist them 
to alight, first taking care that their skirts shall not be soiled 
by contact with the wheels. Where there is a coachman 
present he may open the door of the carriage and let down 
the steps, but he must in no case be allowed to assist the ladios 
out. The gentleman himself must do this. 

When the gentleman himself acts as driver, there are 
many little points of polite observance which he cannot afford 
to neglect. He must drive as close as possible to the mount- 



RIDING AND DRIVING. 1 47 

ing biock, or curb, head his horse toward the middle of the 
road and back his vehicle slightly, and thus separate the fore 
and hind wheels in such a way that the lady may be helped 
in without damage to her apparel. If there is a hitching- 
post, it is well to tie the horse securely, so that you may be 
left perfectly free to assist the lady to her seat. Where you 
cannot tie the horse, you should keep a firm hold of the lines 
with one hand, while giving the other to the lady. When she 
has been seated you should carefully tuck her skirts in, and 
then you should take your seat, carefully adjusting the lap- 
robe before starting. She should be given as much room in 
the seat as possible, and you must be careful that your elbow 
does not jog her in the side by the motion of driving. 

SETTING THE PACE. 

The gentleman will adopt the pace most agreeable to his 
companion. If she is timid, he will not attempt to "show 
off." Ward McAllister relates an amusing anecdote in his 
"j3ociety as I Have Found It," which very clearly illustrates 
the folly of "showing off" in this way. Mr. McAllister is 
telling of a picnic at "The Glen," a romantic nook near 
Newport. "A young friend of mine, then paying court to a 
brilliant young woman, came to me for advice," says the social 
autocrat. "He wanted to impress the object of his atten- 
tions, and proposed to do so by hiring two of the fastest trot- 
ting -horses in Ehode Island, and driving the young lady out 
behind them to the 'Glen' picnic. His argument was that 
it was more American than any of your tandem or four-in- 



14-8 RIDING AND DRIVING. 

hand, or postilion riding ; that the pace he should go at would 
be terrific, and he would guarantee to do the seven miles in 
twenty minutes. He was what we call a thorough trotting- 
horse man ; much in love ; worshiped horses ; disliked style 
in them, going in for speed alone. I tried to dissuade him. 

" 'It will never do,' I said ; 'it is not the fashion ; the lady 
you drive out will be beautifully dressed, and you will cover 
her with dust ; besides, the pace will alarm her.' 

"/Never fear that, my man,' he answered. The girl has 
grit; she will go through anything. She is none of your 
milk-and-water misses. I can't go too fast for her.' 

" 'Have it as you will, then,' I said, and off he went to 
Providence to secure, through influence, these two wonder- 
fully speedy trotters. 

"We were all grouped beautifully at 'The Glen,' when, 
all of a sudden, we heard something descending the hill at a 
terrific pace. It was impossible to make out what it was, as 
it was completely hidden by a cloud of dust. Down it came 
with lightning speed, and when it got opposite to the major 
and me, we heard a loud 'Whoa, my boys ; whoa ! ' and the 
vehicle came to a stop. The occupants, a man and woman, 
were so covered with mud and dust that you could hardly 
distinguish the one from the other. I ran up to the side of 
the wagon, saw a red, indignant face and an outstretched 
hand, imploring me to take her out. Seizing my arm, she 
sprang from the wagon, exclaiming : 'The horrid creature ; 
I never wish to lay eyes on him again,' and then she burst 
into tears. Her whole light, exquisite dress was totally 




vf^ 



m *' 



RIDING AND DRIVING. 1 49 

ruined, and she a sight to behold. Turning to him I saw 
a glow of triumph in his face ; his watch was in his hand. 
'I did it, by Jove ! I did it, and ten seconds to spare ! They 
are tearers !' 

"I quietly replied, 'They are, indeed, tearers ; they have 
torn your business into shreds.' 

" 'Fudge, man !' he said, 'she won't mind it. She was 
a bit scared, to be sure, but she hung on to my arm, and 
we came through all right.' He then sought his victim. I 
soon saw by his dejected manner, that she had given him the 
mitten, and as I passed him, slowly walking his horses home, 
I philosophized to this extent: 'Trotting horses and fash- 
ion do not combine.' " 

Eiding and driving are accomplishments in which it 
is desirable that all ladies and gentlemen should be pro- 
ficient. To ride well, one must be taught early, and prac- 
tice assiduously. Like athletics, riding cannot be learned 
from mere theoretical teaching. "A good rider, on a good 
horse," said Lord Herbert, "is as much above himself and 
others as the world can make him." 

Ladies are not expected to exchange kisses in the king's 
highway, or in any other public place. That some women 
do this sort of thing is only another proof that good man- 
ners are too often neglected. 

When a lady, wishes to leave a carriage temporarily, 

leaving the gentleman behind, he must alight to assist her 

out, and, when she returns, he must again get down to 

help her in. 
10 



I50 RIDING AND DRIVING. 

WHO SHALL HOLD THE REINS ? 

When the owner of a wagon is driving a gentleman, it 
is courteous to offer the reins, but the offer should always 
be declined. In a long drive, however, the guest may offer 
to hold the reins for a time to rest the driver ; but such an 
offer must not be made under any circumstances. 

When one is driving, and meets a friend who is invited to 
a seat in the carriage, it is imperative that the guest shall 
be driven to his destination, no matter how far it may take 
the driver out of his way. 

A gentleman must not put his arm across the back of 
the seat when driving with a lady. To do so is an extreme 
case of impertinent rudeness. 

When offered a seat in the carriage of a gentleman 
friend, you should motion for him to be seated urst; but, 
if he stands aside for you, bow and precede him. 



TRAVELING. 

In America, where everybody is something of a tourist, 
the etiquette cf travel is not to be neglected. The boy on 
the farm to-day may be flying across the continent to-mor- 
row for business or pleasure ; and the girl whose little world is 
now bounded by the horizon of home, may yet see it expand, 
under the smiles of fortune, until it embraces that great outer 
region which exists for her to-day only in her waking dreams. 

TRAVEL A GREAT CIVILIZER. 

Travel is a great civilizer. Perhaps it is the greatest 
civilizer, unless Kuskin is right in claiming that honor for war, 
which itself involves travel, the exchange of ideas, as well as 
of bullets, the destruction of prejudice and insularity, as well as 
of forts and castles. Certainly it was the crusades that stimu- 
lated the great intellectual movement of the Western world. 
The rude warriors of England and France and Germany, in 
striving to rescue the Holy Sepulcher from the Paynim foe, 
gained not only glory, but knowledge. They acquired not 
only honorable scars, but a larger grasp of things. The civ- 
ilization of Darkest Africa will follow the steamboat and the 
locomotive. Ignorance cannot long survive the influences of 
steam and steel rails. The man who travels is lost to the 
hosts of bigotry and narrow prejudice. He takes on the 
spirit of independence with the polish of social intercourse, 

153 



154 TRAVELING. 

and his mind broadens with the horizon of his enlarged 
experience. 

The facilities of travel to-day are marvelous. The seven 
weeks' voyage across the ocean has been reduced to five days. 
Palace trains, on which the passenger sleeps, eats, takes his 
bath, is shaved, and enjoys every luxury of a first-class hotel, 
convey the tourist from New York to the Golden Gate at the 
rate of fifty miles an hour. The world is on wheels, and "All 
aboard !" is the cry that, soon or late, rings in every man's 
ears. 

ILL BREEDING SHOWS ITSELF. 

No situation can be named where the contrast between 
the well-bred and the ill-bred is sharper than in the railway 
carriage or the saloon of a steamer ; and in the United States, 
where all classes are thrown together in the public convey- 
ances, the annoyances of rude company are very trying. In 
England and on the Continent, there is greater exclusiveness, 
and the contrasts are less marked. But even in those coun- 
tries, travel is not wholly free from the unpleasant features 
which Europeans so quickly note and so severely condemn in 

America. 

BEING POLITE. 

In the first place, selfishness is the besetting sin of the 
traveler. It shows in the rush for tickets, in the scramble for 
seats, and in the calm indifference to the comfort and conven- 
ience of others. Yet selfishness is no more to be defended 
when displayed on the railway train or in the steamer than if 
it were exhibited in the parlor or drawing-room. The rights 



TRAVELING. 1 55 

of others must never be ignored ; their convenience and com- 
fort must never be sacrificed to your own. 

Good nature, perfect courtesy, patience and an easy and 
affable adaptation to possibly untoward circumstances mark 
the lady and gentleman in traveling. 

But it is generally through ignorance of polite usage, 
and not from native indifference to the rights and comforts 
of others, that many travelers make themselves disagreeable. 
They invite criticism and excite wrath simply because they 
have neglected to inform themselves upon the proprieties of 
the road. The observance of a few points of etiquette will at 
once save the travelers from the charge of boorishness, and 
tend greatly to the mitigation of the tedium and fatigue of a 

journey. 

OFFERING AND ACCEPTING COURTESIES. 

A lady traveling alone may, with perfect propriety, accept 
a courtesy from a strange gentleman, such as raising or 
lowering a window, the offer of a hand across a slippery gang- 
plank, or any small attention ; but she must be careful, in 
thanking him for his civility, to do so in a tone that will not 
encourage further advances. 

On the other hand, a gentleman who is traveling alone 
may offer little courtesies to strangers, and even to ladies, 
carefully preserving a respectful manner, and avoiding the 
appearance of impertinence. 

GENTLEMEN SMOKING. 
They will not smoke in the presence of ladies, even if 
the rules of the railway, stage or steamer permit smoking. 



156 TRAVELING. 

In regard to smoking, it may be said, in a general way, 
that it should be studiously avoided in all places where it is 
likely to give offense. It is not enough to ask any lady who 
may be' present for her permission to smoke. She will hardly 
refuse it, however disagreeable to her the smell of smoke may 
be. If only gentlemen are present, each individual must be 
consulted before your cigar is lighted. If any one of them 
objects, his voice should decide the day; for no gentleman 
has a right to insist upon his own gratification at the expense 
of another's comfort. Should no objection be offered, the 
gentleman who first strikes a light should offer it to others 
near him, before he uses it himself. 

OPENING AND CLOSING WINDOWS. 
A great deal of the annoyance and discomfort of railway 
travel is occasioned by the carelessness or indifference of 
some in regard to the windows. All the pleasure of a jour- 
ney may be spoilt for half-a-dozen people by one person who 
may persist in having his window open, giving access to smoke 
and dust, as well as to fresh air. Here, again, the comfort 
of others must be first consulted. The person who sits facing 
the engine has the deciding voice as to whether the window 
shall be kept up or down ; but ladies should always be con- 
sulted in the matter, whichever seat they may occupy. 

WHEN A LADY MAY ACCEPT COURTESIES. 
When a lady traveling alone wishes to descend from a 
railway coach, it is the duty of the gentleman nearest the 
door to assist her in alighting. He may offer to collect her 



TRAVELING. 1 57 

baggage, call a hack, or peform any service which an escort 
might properly undertake. 

If a train stop for refreshments, a gentleman may offer 
to escort a strange lady, who is alone, to the dining-room, or 
to fetch her anything she may desire. In case she accepts 
the offer, he must see that she is waited upon before attending 
to his own wants. A lady may always accept such an offer of 
attention, thanking the gentleman for his courtesy, and dis- 
missing him with a polite bow, that he must accept as an 
intimation that his services are no longer required. 

LADY WITH ESCORT. 

When a lady has an escort, it is her duty to consult his 
comfort as well as her own. To weary him constantly by 
complaints ; to worry over some unavoidable mishap or acci- 
dent ; to lose or misplace some of her hand baggage every 
few minutes ; to tax his good nature about the time, the dis- 
tance, and so on ; to fidget about her baggage, or to quarrel 
with what he cannot control, is unladylike and reprehensible. 
Ladies, in traveling, are prone to do all these things, and thus 
their under-breediug shows itself. When one sees a lady, 
detained, perhaps, for hours by a snow-storm, pleasantly try- 
ing to beguile the time by conversation, relieving tired moth- 
ers of the care of fretful children, jesting lightly on the un- 
pleasant delay, and uttering no complaint or impatient word, 
even if half frozen, or in utter discomfort, one may be quite 
certain of her breeding. But the escort must himself be 
punctilious. 



I58 TRAVELING. 

TICKETS AND BAGGAGE. 

He must carefully fulfill all the requirements of the 
rather arduous position he has the honor to hold. If the 
lady in question is to meet him at the wharf or railway sta- 
tion, he must be there a little in advance of the hour for 
departure, to procure her ticket, attend to her baggage and 
secure her a desirable seat. He must not leave her to stand 
in an office or upon a wharf while he is looking after her ticket 
and baggage. He must first seat her in the lady's room of 
the station, or in the cabin of the steamer, and then return 
for those duties. In arriving at a station, he must see her 
seated in a hack, or in the ladies' waiting-room, before he 
looks after the trunks. 

AT THE HOTEL. 

At the hotel he must escort the lady to the parlor before 
securing her room. He must then escort her thither, and, 
after ascertaining at what hour it will be agreeable to her to 
take the next meal, he must then immediately leave her. At 
the hour appointed for the meal the lady must meet her 
escort in the parlor. At the journey's end he must not leave 
her until he has seen her safely in the hands of her friends. 
If he remain in the city, he must call the next day to inquire 
after her health. After that the lady may continue the 
acquaintance or not, as she pleases. 

A gentleman, on entering a public carriage or omnibus, 
must never step before a lady. He should stand aside for 
her, and must raise his hat slightly if she acknowledge his 



TRAVELING. 159 

courtesy. If she appears to need assistance, he should offer 
it without hesitation, strangers though they be. 

ADDITIONAL NOTES. 

No lady should ever allow her escort, no matter what his 
relation to her may be, to enter any saloon or compartment 
devoted exclusively to ladies. This is imperative. 

Under certain circumstances, a lady if married and not 
too young, may begin a conversation with a strange gentle- 
man ; but he must not, under any circumstances, begin a 
conversation with her. Unless she be well advanced in life, 
an unmarried lady is not supposed to begin conversation with 
a strange gentleman. On a long journey the rigid rules 
somewhat relax, and a certain degree of sociability may 
properly be indulged ; but ladies cannot be too careful while 
traveling alone. They must maintain a quiet reserve, and, 
while graciously accepting and gracefully acknowledging every 
courtesy, must check every approach to familiarity. 

SLEEPING CAR. 

For traveling long distances, or where a night has to be 
passed on the cars, there is nothing that adds so much to one's 
comfort as the sleeping-car. Here you avoid all the noise and 
confusion caused by way passengers getting on or off. You 
enjoy an even temperature, which you cannot have in a day 
coach, where the doors are constantly being opened and closed. 
You secure a good night's rest. Then, too, your comforts 
are well looked after, which lessens the fatigue of the jour- 
ney. Berths should be secured beforehand, when possible. 



1 60 TRAVELING. 

In the larger towns and cities this can be done by calling at 
the ticket office. In smaller places the ticket agent will tele- 
graph ahead and secure berths. Lower berths, located near 
the center of the car, are most desirable. Ladies traveling 
alone secure greater privacy by securing what is known as the 
enclosed section. Failing in this, they should secure berths 
near the end of the car where the ladies' dressing-room is 
located. The conductor will always provide, so far as possi- 
ble, for the comfort and convenience of his passengers, and 
guard against any possible embarrassments. 

The porter will arrange the berths to suit their conven- 
ience, as far as may be, and he should be applied to when- 
ever any service is required. The conductor will supply all 
needed information, and natural good taste and native mod- 
esty will guide them for the rest. 

SECURING AND OCCUPYING SEAT. 

A lady of good breeding will not monopolize more than 
her rightful seat in a crowded car. When others are looking 
for seats, she will immediately, and with all cheerfulness, so 
dispose her baggage that the seat beside her will be at liberty 
for any one desiring it. When the seats are turned together, 
as they may be when the passengers are few, it is perfectly 
proper for fresh comers to claim one of them, and the occu- 
pant or occupants cannot reasonably object. 

A gentleman may enter a car and secure his seat by de- 
positing his coat or traveling-bag upon it, afterward going 
out to get his ticket, or for any other purpose. 



TRAVELING. l6l 

It is not required of a gentleman that he shall relinquish 
his seat in a railway car in favor of a lady, but gentlemen of 
good breediug will not retain their seats when a lady is stand- 
ing. On a street-car it is different. The gentlemau is bound 
by the rules of etiquette to resign his seat instantly if there 
is a lady standing. 

ON BOARD STEAMER. 

The same general rules that govern the conduct of ladies 
in a hotel should be observed on board a steamer. Her 
escort, if she have one, must meet her only in the ladies' cabin, 
or on deck. If alone, she must be circumspect in all her 
movements. Attendants will administer to all her reasona- 
ble wants, and the captain will supply any required informa- 
tion. Gentlemen will never fail to offer their seats on deck to 
ladies, unless there are vacant places. 

BEING SOCIABLE. 

The advances of fellow-passengers must be met half 
way. Over-exclusiveness is not a merit. It is too often mere 
boorishness, or positive rudeness. On a steamer the oppor- 
tunities for social intercourse are greater than in a railway 
carriage, and these may generally be improved with advan- 
tage, and without impropriety, but here, as elsewhere, the lady 
must avoid the appearance of too great freedom of manner. 
The captain is a host who, in most cases, will attend to all 
the civilities of his position, and it need not be difficult to 
secure, through his offices, the social amenities necessary to 
break the monotony of a long voyage. 



1 62 TRAVELING. 

CONVERSATION. 
Talking on a railway train to many people is very pain- 
ful. To one with weak lungs it may be positively injurious, 
and it will be the part of good breeding to take this possi- 
bility into consideration when you may feel disposed to engage 
your traveling companion in conversation. A lady may with 
perfect propriety excuse herself from talking to her escort in 
case the effort to make herself heard above the din of the 
wheels is distressing. 

TRAVELING ABROAD. 

"In traveling abroad/' says a recent writer, "the truest 

courtesy is to observe, as far as practicable, every national 

prejudice. The old proverb, to 'do in Eome as the Eomans 

do,' is the best rule of etiquette in foreign travel. The man 

who affects a supercilious disdain of all foreign customs and 

forms, will not convince the natives of his vast superiority, 

but impress them with the belief that he is an ill-bred idiot. 

The most polite, as well as agreeable, travelers are those who 

will smilingly devour mouse pie and bird's-nest soup in China, 

dine contentedly on horse-steak in Paris, swallow their beef 

uncooked in Germany, maintain an unwinking gravity over 

the hottest curry in India, smoke their hookah gratefully in 

Turkey, mount an elephant in Ceylon, and, in short, conform 

gracefully to any native custom, however strange it may 

appear to them." 

MAKING COMPARISONS. 

" 'Comparisons are odious/ and to be continually assert- 
ing that everything in the United States is vastly superior to 



TRAVELING. 1 63 

everything abroad is a mark of vulgarity. If you really think 
there is nothing to be seen abroad as good as you have at 
home, why, you are really foolish not to stay at home and 
enjoy the best." 



PUBLIC PLACES. 

Eude behavior in public places is never pardonable. 
There, if anywhere, gentle breeding will be revealed; and 
there, too, will sham gentility publish its true quality, either 
by boisterous and vulgar speech or by inconsiderate and sel- 
fish actions. 

SUBDUED, RESERVED MANNER. 

A subdued manner and a careful attention to the rights, 
convenience and comfort of others mark the well-trained man 
or woman wherever they may appear. They do not disturb 
an audience at the concert or play by loud whispering or ill- 
timed laughter ; they do not scandalize the congregation at 
church by unseemly conduct ; they do not stand in front of a 
picture in a gallery unmindful of the rights of other specta- 
tors; they do not rudely jostle in a crowd nor roughly jest at 
the expense of others' feelings. On the contrary, they are 
always thoughtful and courteous, always respectful in deport- 
ment and refined in manner, always on guard against the 
commission of any act that might distress or wound those 

about them. 

THB CHURCH. 

At church they will preserve the utmost silence and 
decorum. 

They will display no haste in passing up and down the 
aisle. 

167 



1 68 PUBLIC PLACES. 

They will not whisper, laugh, or stare about them. 
The gentleman will remove his hat as soon as he enters, 
and will not replace it till he is again in the vestibule. 

REACHING THE PEW. 

He must pass up the aisle beside his lady companion 
until the pev/ is reached, then advance a few steps, open the 
door, and stand outside until she has entered. He will then 
follow her and close the door, He will not place his hat in the 
aisle. If there is not room for it on the seat, it can be placed 
on the floor inside the pew. 

It is improper to bow to any friend while in the church 

itself. Greetings may be exchanged in the vestibule at the 

close of the services. 

USE OF PEWS. 

Persons visiting a church in which they have no pews of 
their own should wait in the vestibule till the sexton comes to 
show them to seats. It is highly improper to enter a pew 
uninvited or without permission. In most churches it is the 
custom to require strangers to wait standing until aftar the 
second singing, when it is permissible foi them to occupy any 
seats that may be available. Pew holders coming in later 
must find seats wherever they can. 

The holder of a pew, who may see a stranger enter a 
church, may silently invite him to a seat if there be room for 
his accommodation. 



PUBLIC PLACES. 1 69 

CONFORMING TO MODE OF WORSHIP. 

Visitors to a church must conform strictly to the mode 
of worship. If the forms are unfamiliar, it is proper to rise, 
kneel and sit as the others do. Every ceremony and observ- 
ance must be treated by the visitor with the utmost respect, 
no matter how grotesque it may appear to him. If he should 
find the services trying to his religious convictions, he need 
not attend a church of that denomination again ; but he must 
not sneer at a form of worship while he is among those who 
practice it in as good faith as he practices his own. 

A Protestant gentleman who attends a lady to a Bornan 
Catholic church, may offer her the holy water, using his un- 
gloved right hand. 

Strangers should be provided with books. If the service 
is unfamiliar to them, the places for the day's reading should 
be indicated. It is perfectly proper to offer to share the 
prayer-book or hymnal with a stranger, if there are not sepa- 
rate bocks for his use. 

In passing books or fans in. church, the offer as well as 

the acceptance or refusal should be conveyed by a silent 

gesture. 

NEVER GO LATE. 

It is exceedingly ill-bred to go late to church. If you 
are invited to accompany friends to church, do not keep them 
waiting. If you invite them to accompany you, it is equally 
important that you should be ready promptly. 



170 PUBLIC PLACES. 

ADDITIONAL NOTES. 

Ladies should not remove their gloves in church, unless 
to use the holy water, or in taking the communion. The 
right hand should then be ungloved. 

It is very rude to begin the stir of preparation for leaving 
church before the services have been concluded. Put away 
your books, gather up your hat, wraps, etc., after the benedic- 
tion ; and do not push your way out. 

Gentlemen will not congregate in the vestibule or on the 
church steps to stare at the ladies as they pass out. Only 
boors do this. 

When visiting a church at home or abroad for the pur- 
pose of viewing the edifice or its adornments, choose an hour 
when there is no service. If you find even then that there are 
persons at their devotions, which is not unlikely, especially in 
the Catholic church, great care should be taken to avoid dis- 
turbing them. You should speak low, move softly, and pre- 
serve a respectful attitude, at the same time restraining any 
impulse of curiosity in regard to the worshipers. 

PLACES OF AMUSEMENT. 

On entering the hall, concert-room or theatre, the gentle- 
man should walk side by side with his companion, unless the 
aisle is too narrow, when he should step a little in advance. 
Reaching the seats, he should hand her to the inner one, tak- 
ing the outer one himself. In passing out, if he cannot 
offer his arm, he must again precede her until the lobby is 
reached. He will then offer his arm, and they will pass 



PUBLIC PLACES. 171 

out, the gentleman taking care to protect his companion 
from rude jostling or from any crush. 

DUTY OF ESCORT. 

The gentleman must on no account leave the lady's side 
during the performance. If it be a promenade concert or 
opera, she may be invited to promenade during the intermis- 
sion. If she decline, the gentleman must remain in his seat. 
To go out between the acts to smoke or for refreshments is an 
unpardonable breach of etiquette, and scarcely less than an 
insult to the lady. No gentleman will ever be guilty of con- 
duct so reprehensible. 

A gentleman is not required or expected to give up his 
seat to a lady. On the contrary, his duty is solely to his 
companion and he must remain at her side throughout the 
evening, to converse with her between the acts and to pro- 
tect her in case of need. 

It is perfectly proper to applaud, but boisterous demon- 
strations and loud laughter are not indulged by gentlemen, 
Applause should be given with the hands, and not with the 
feet. 

It is the gentleman's duty to see that the lady is pro- 
vided with a program. At the opera he should also provide 
a libretto. 

COMPLETE QUIET SHOULD BE MAINTAINED. 

Complete quiet should be maintained during the per- 
formance, that the audience may not be disturbed. It is in 
bad taste to distract your companion's attention from the 



172 PUBLIC PLACES. 

stage, even if you find the performance dull yourself. If you 
have occasion to speak to your companion while the curtain 
is up, do so in a low tone. It is not in good taste to assume 
an air of mystery or secrecy in a public place ; and lover-like 
acts should be studiously avoided. To appear to comment 
aside on those near you is extremely ill-bred. 

Ladies will not stare around the house through an opera 
glass. It doesn't look well. Extravagant gesture, loud 
laughter, a conspicuous use of the fan, all mark a lack of 
breeding in the lady. And there is indecorum in a lounging 
attitude, in whispers aside and in toying with the opera-glass. 

THE PROMENADE BETWEEN ACTS. 

If you promenade at a concert or between the acts of a 

play, you may bow to friends the first time you pass them 

only. A lady will not allow other gentlemen to join her if 

she would not offend her escort. Gentlemen will not stop a 

lady to speak to her. At such meetings only the briefest 

exchange of civilities is allowable. A gentleman alone may 

join lady friends for a moment between the acts of a play or 

during the intermission at a concert ; but he must not trench 

in the least upon the prior claims of their escort on their 

attention. 

JOINING A THEATRE PARTY. 

It is justly accounted a rudeness to join any party about 

to go to a place of amusement, unless urgently invited ; and 

persons of taste will avoid the trying position of a third. But 

if two or three ladies are in the party and but one gentleman, 

another gentleman, if his acquaintance warrants him, may 



PUBLIC PLACES. 1 73 

offer his services as escort to one of the ladies. If he is not 
permitted to share the expenses, he should invite the party to 
join him in a little supper after the performance. 

AFTER THEATRE CALLS. 

It is courteous on the part of the gentleman to ask per- 
mission to call on the lady the day or evening following ; and 
the lady should cordially grant it. She will make this call 
the occasion for intimating to him the pleasure he has 
afforded her, and she will avoid any criticism of the perform- 
ance that may seem to reflect upon his judgment or taste in 
inviting her to witness it. 

INVITING THE THIRD PARTY. 
A gentleman who desires to invite a young lady to visit 
any place of public amusement with him, on the first occa- 
sion at least, must also invite another lady of the same family 
to accompany her. It is not considered good form for a 
young lady to go alone to a theatre, concert or opera with a 
gentleman with whom she is but slightly acquainted. 

CHURCH FAIRS AND CHURCH BAZAARS. 

Never make the blunder, when visiting a church fair or 
fancy bazaar, of criticising the articles displayed for sale. 
You cannot tell whose sensibilities will be wounded. Do not 
comment upon the display at all unless you can praise it. 
Do not mistake the fair for a cheap John store and try to 
cheapen the articles. Do not haggle over prices. Pay what 
is demanded, or do not buy. 



174 PUBLIC PLACES. 

A gentleman will remain uncovered while visiting a pub- 
lic place of this description, carrying his hat in his hand. 

ASKING FOR CHANGE. 
He may not ask for change in paying for an article ; but 
it is rude for a lady to take advantage of this rule. Unless 
in presenting a bill representing a sum larger than the 
amount of the purchase he specifically request her to keep 
the remainder "for the good of the cause," the lady will 
return to him the exact change. 

DEPORTMENT OF LADY. 
"The position of a lady at the table of a fancy fair, " 
says a recent writer, "is necessarily an exposed one, and re- 
quires a great amount of modest dignity to support it. Flirt- 
ing, loud talking, importunate entreaties to unwilling friends 
to buy your goods, are all in bad taste ; and it is equally bad 
to leave your table every few moments to visit the refresh- 
ment table with your gentlemen friends. We heard a lady 
boast once that she had been seventeen times in one day 
to the refreshment table 'for the good of the fair/ and we 
could not but think the cause might have been aided without 
quite such a display of gastronomic energy. No true lady 
will follow friends all around the room offering goods for sale, 
nor force articles on reluctant purchasers by appealing to 
their gallantry." 



PUBLIC PLACES. I 75 

UNDER THE GREENWOOD TREE. 

The picnic, especially in the smaller cities and the coun- 
try towns, is the great event ; and it is not despised, even in 
places like New York, Chicago, Philadelphia and San Fran- 
cisco. It is affected by fashion at Newport, and the young 
men and maidens of rural villages look to it for their highest 
enjoyment ; and perhaps no other form of social amusement 
is more inspiriting, more wholesome or more deliciously free 
from convention. 

Yet the picnic has its etiquette as well as the ball and 
the dinner party ; and society demands that under the green- 
wood tree, as under the chandelier, her rules shall be faithfully 
observed. 

MUST BE PLENTY TO EAT. 

First of all she demands that enough shall be provided 
for all to eat and drink. No one must be suffered to go home 
hungry ; and as country air is a great sharpener of appetites, 
the amplest allowance must be made for every possible guest. 
Delicate young ladies who, at home, are scarcely equal to a 
thin slice of bread and butter, at the picnic will discover a 
capacity for cold chicken, deviled eggs, shrimp salad and 
other toothsome solids simply amazing ; and pale young men 
who are doted on by their landladies because of their light 
eating will somehow manage to get through a picnic bill 
of fare, from the cold tongue to the cake and ice cream, in 
a way that would do credit to a farm-hand. 



176 PUBLIC PLACES. 

PROVIDING CONVEYANCES. 

Conveyances are to be provided for all guests ; and such 
conveyances should be covered, or capable of being covered, 
as a protection against the weather. The provisions should 
be forwarded to the picnic grounds in a separate wagon in 
charge of one or two servants ; but these must not be per- 
mitted at dinner to interfere with the prescriptive picnic 
rights and privileges of the gentlemen of the party, who 
must officiate as waiters in ordinary to the fair guests of the 
occasion. 

THE POPULAR PICNIC. 

But the popular picnic is that in which a lot of people 
join for a day's outing. That is the sort of picnic the boys 
get up along in the leafy month of June or later in the sultry 
August days, and that is the event which takes the place of 
seaside vacation and mountain sojourn in the life of the aver- 
age village belle. 

In this sort of picnic somebody usually takes the lead, 
preparing a list of those to be invited. This list is generally 
submitted to one or two friends for scrutiny and approval, 
after which the persons included are severally notified of the 
proposed outing. Ordinarily the list embraces an equal num- 
ber of ladies and gentlemen ; and it is not unusual for each 
gentleman to be assigned to act as the escort of a particular 
lady. But this is not generally done except in cases where 
preferences are well known. The mismating of couples at a 
picnic is the worst thing that could possibly happen, and 
therefore no promoter of such an outing will undertake to 




4^ 



-■■. ■ ~. 



PUBLIC PLACES. I 77 

assign the ladies their escorts without a very careful consider- 
ation of fancies and predilections. 

LADIES FURNISH THE DINNER. 

The ladies are expected to furnish the dinner, which is 
usually substantial in character, and as varied as the taste 
and skill of the several purveyors may suggest. The gentle- 
men ordinarily provide the ice cream, ices and lemonade, the 
ladies supplying only such things as they may themselves 
cook or prepare. 

GENTLEMEN MAKE ALL ARRANGEMENTS. 

All the arrangements for the picnic grounds, the convey- 
ances, etc., are made by the gentlemen. At the hour for 
starting, each gentleman calls at the house of the lady he is 
to escort, and there awaits the carriage, or other conveyance, 
taking charge of her basket and wraps. When the whole 
party is to go in one vehicle, it is the rule to call first at the 
house of the lady farthest away, picking her up with her escort, 
and then proceeding to gather up the others in the order of 
their distance from the point of final departure. At the pic- 
nic grounds the gentlemen attend to the water supply, and to 
getting the baskets and other things properly disposed, the 
ladies, at the appointed hour spreading the table, and then 
seating themselves, to be waited upon by their escorts, who 
must not fail in any possible attention or civility. It is quite 
the usual thing for the table to be spread in common, each 
lady contributing whatever she has brought. Her escort 
should not betray a fondness for the cookery of some fair 



I78 PUBLIC PLACES. 

one on the other side, or at the other end of the cloth. But 
it were rude to refuse to partake of a dish offered by another 
lady. 

AFTER-DINNER ENTERTAINMENT 

After dinner it is usual to pass the time in singing, or, 
if an orchestra be available, in dancing. This is varied by 
games of all kinds, croquet, tennis, cards, " blackman," 
" drop-the-handkerchief," blind man's buff, "tag/' and the 
like, all time-honored, and delightfully ridiculous and merry. 
When tired of games and romping — for the rigidest disciplin- 
arian will romp a little when there is green grass under foot 
and a blue sky overhead, and a merry company all around — 
the party generally breaks up into little knots, and, perhaps, 
into pairs, and then who shall say what glances may be 
exchanged, what tender sighs may be breathed, what ardent 
words and soft responses may be spoken under the inspiration 
of such an hour and amid such scenes ? 

DUTY OF GENTLEMEN TO ENTERTAIN. 

The duty of the gentlemen on such occasions, aside from 
the matters suggested, is obvious. They must do their best 
to be amusing and entertaining. If one gentleman have 
musical talent, let him play — the flute, cornet, violin, or what- 
ever it may be. If another can sing a good song, let him 
sing it. If another can tell a clever story, by all means let 
him not keep it back. Let each one strive to drive dull care 
away, and banish melancholy; bat let no one forget that he 
is a gentleman, with ladies ; let all remember that freedom 
and license are very different things. 



PUBLIC PLACES. 1 79 

GREAT LATITUDE IN DRESS. 

It may be suggested finally, in this connection, that great 
latitude in dress is allowable for picnics. Ladies wear morn- 
ing dresses and hats, and gentlemen attire themselves in light 
coats, wide-awake hats, caps or straw hats. A large bell, or 
gong, should be taken to call the party together, when re- 
quired ; and every member of the company should respond 
promptly. To fail in this were a discourtesy to the rest, and 
nothing can excuse such a breach of good manners. 

THE ETIQUETTE OF BOATING. 

There are certain customs and usages in connection with 
this interesting pastime that deserve to be noted and observed. 

Gentlemen unaccustomed to the management of a boat 
should never venture out with ladies. To do so is foolhardy, 
if not criminal. Great care should be taken not to overload 
a boat. The frequent boating accidents that happen are in 
most instances due either to overloading, or to the inexperi- 
ence of the man at the oars. Men who cannot swim should 
never take ladies upon the water. 

ASSISTING LADIES TO THEIR SEATS. 
When the gentlemen are going out with the ladies, one 
of them steps into the boat and helps the ladies in and 
seats them, the other handing them down from the bank or 
pier. When the ladies have comfortably disposed themselves, 
and not before, the boat may be shoved off. Great care must 
be taken not to splash the ladies, either in first dipping the 
oars or subsequently. 



<K 



i- 



l8o PUBLIC PLACES. 

WHO SHOULD ROW. 

If a friend is with you, he must be given the preference 
of seats. You must ask him to row " stroke," as that is the 
place of honor. 

If you cannot row, do not pretend you can. Say right 
out that you can't, and thus settle it, consoling yourself with 
the pleasant reflection that your confession entitles you to a 
seat by the side of the ladies and relieves you from the possi- 
bility of drowning the whole party. 

A POPULAR EXERCISE. 

Bowing has become a great fad among the ladies in re. 
cent years, and it is to be commended as a wholesome and 
vigorous exercise. But it should be indulged only on quiet 
rivers or on private lakes. If ladies adventure into more fre- 
quented waters, they must at least have the protection of a 
gentleman. And in all cases they must wear costumes pro- 
per for the exercise, which requires freedom of movement in 
every part. Corsets and crinoline should be left at home, and 
a good pair of stout boots should complete an equipment in 
which a skirt barely touching the ground, a flannel skirt and 
a sail )r hat are the leading features. Eowing gloves should 

protejt the hands. 

THE DRESS. 

The ordinary rowing costume for gentlemen is white 
flam el trousers, white rowing jersey and a straw hat. Pea- 
jacb ts are worn when their owners are not absolutely 
employed in pulling the oar. 




The Studio. 



PUBLIC PLACES. l8l 

IN THE GALLERY AND STUDIO. 

One or two broad general hints will suffice in regard to 
the etiquette of a picture gallery. The rules governing in 
other public places apply with equal force here. Gentlemen 
must enter the gallery unhatted, and remain so until they 
depart. Conversation must be conducted in a low tone ; and 
whistling, loud laughter and other boisterous displays are not 
to be tolerated. In passing around to view the pictures, care 
should be taken not to pause long in one place, thus obstruct- 
iug the view of others. When a gentleman is escorting a lady, 
he should provide her with a catalogue, and in passing through 
the picture rooms, he should offer his arm. It is his duty to 
protect her against jostling, and to find her a seat at inter- 
vals. 

INVITATION NECESSARY. 

The studio of an artist is not a public place, but it is one 
to which any member of the public may some time have 
occasion to go, and its etiquette is therefore important. In 
the first place, it is not to be visited as you would visit a 
photographer's or a picture dealer's. You must have re- 
ceived a special invitation or permission to make the visit ; 
and when you go, it is not to be at your convenience, but 
at the time appointed by the artist. 

PROPER DECORUM IN STUDIO. 

Once there, you must keep your hand to yourself. To 

uncover any picture or article in a studio that may be veiled 

or hidden from view is Cho Lefght of rudeness It is not less 
12 



1 82 PUBLIC PLACES. 

rude to tarn a picture that is bung or stands facing the wall ; 

and the general rule of " hands off" applies to everything in 

the studio — pictures, busts, drapery, models, lay figures and 

what-not. 

PRICING PAINTINGS. 

It is a serious impropriety to ask an artist the price of 
his pictures on sight. "If a visitor sees a painting or a piece 
of statuary which he wishes to possess, " says a writer on the 
subject, "he simply asks that he may have the refusal of 
it ; or he says to the artist : 'I wish to have this picture, if 
it is not disposed of.' After leaving the studio, the visitor 
writes and asks the price, of which he is informed by the 
artist, in writing. Should the price be larger than the would- 
be purchaser is disposed to give, he writes again to that 
effect, and it is no breach of etiquette to name the sum which 
he wished to spend upon the work of art. This gives an 
opportunity to the artist of lowering his price. It is not cus- 
tomary, however, to haggle about the sum, and the corre^ 
spondence should not be carried farther than above, except it 
be an intimation from the artist that he will accept the terms 
of the purchaser, and that the picture is subject to his 
order." 

In the case of a portrait painter, the prices are usually 
designated in a scale conspicuously posted, half of which is 
usually to be paid after the first sitting, the remainder when 
the picture is delivered. 



PUBLIC PLACES. 1 83 

RUDE TO CRITICISE WORK OF AN ARTIST 

It is unpardonable, rude and vulgar to criticise the artist's 
work in his presence. Fulsome praise is equally reprehensi- 
ble. A few cordial words of compliment should certainly be 
spoken; and an intimate friend may venture to point out 
where improvements could be made. But the casual visitor 
must never assume the lole of critic, and even the artist's 
intimates will do well to leave criticism to the public journals. 

SITTING FOR A PORTRAIT. 

If you are sitting for a portrait, do not keep the painter 
waiting. To do so is a serious matter, involving the loss of 
valuable time to him, and perhaps trencjjing upon the time 
of other clients. Nor should you detain him when the sitting 
is over. His urbanity may prevent him from hinting to you 
that you are trespassing upon his hours of work, though he 
may be silently fretting at your want of consideration in so 
doing. 

Unless invited by the artist to do so, do not look around 
a studio in which you may be sitting. Do not ask to see an 
unfinished picture, even if it is one that is being painted by 
your own order. 

ADDITIONAL HINTS. 

Gentlemen must never smoke in a studio, unless invited 
to do so by the artist. 

It is a breach of good manners to whisper in a studio. 

It is rude and indelicate to behave in a studio as if 
you were in a store, pricing pictures, inquiring about what 
is for public exhibition, what is not ; who ordered this pict- 



1 84 PUBLIC PLACES. 

lire or that ; whose portrait this may oe, and whose that ; 
or in any way reminding the artist that his talent is mere 
merchandise. 

Do not watch the artist while he is at work. Do not 
stand behind him or near him. He invited you to visit his 
studio, not to watch him work, but to view his pictures, 
and when you have done this, do not linger, but go. 

A young child should not be taken to an artist's studio. 



HOTELS. 

The modern caravansary is a world within four walls . 
It differs from the inn of olden times as the palace train dif- 
fers from the stage coach, from which it has been evolved, 
and the life which ebbs and flows through its rotunda and 
corridors with the restless pulsations of feverish activity, is a 
reflex of that larger life that ebbs and flows without. Here 
come thoughtless pleasure and sated ambition. Here go 
youthful hope and old indifference. Yonder is the busy mer- 
chant side by side with the idle lounger, and over there the 
clergyman and the blase man of the world exchange civilities, 
while the cowboy from the plains and the great poet from the 
other side of the ocean, divide the curious attention of habitues. 
In the parlor a wedding is in progress, while in a suite of rooms 
above, a scene of death is being enacted. A gay party of 
young men, in one of the apartments, are singing a bacchanal 
song that curiously discords with the lullaby of a mother in 
the next. Birth and death, joy and misery, pleasure and 
business, lofty ambition and listless indifference, high breed- 
ing and no breeding, pompous wealth and shrinking poverty — 
all the contrasts of the big world without, are here epitomized. 
And here, as elsewhere, the proprieties of life must be ob~ 

served. 

IGNORANCE BETRAYS AT ONCE. 

A boor may remain undetected and unsuspected at 

187 



1 88 HOTELS. 

home, but how soon the truth appears after he has registered 
himself at a great hotel ! How soon his ignorance and sel- 
fishness betray him, and how quickly the line is drawn be- 
tween him and his fellow guests! The servants instantly 
recognize his lack of breeding, and secretly despise, even if 
they do not openly scorn, him. He is shunned in the lobby 
and avoided at table, and he does well indeed if he receives as 
good attention as others who pay no more for their entertain- 
ment. 

No one need invite the resentment of guests and the ridi- 
cule of servants in a hotel. Attention to the usages of good 
society in this respect, as in others, is a prime requirement, 
and even the dullest may save himself from singularity by 
observing those simple rules of etiquette which good taste 
and common sense have suggested. 

ADVICE TO GENTLEMEN. 

Most of these have been detailed under other heads, and 
as far as gentlemen are concerned, only a very few words in 
this connection are required. They must curb their selfish- 
ness in a hotel as they would curb it in the house of a friend. 
The rights of others must never be ignored. A quiet demeanor 
is a first requisite. Loud talking, whistling, singing and bois- 
terous laughter are intolerable. Staring across the dining- 
room at other guests, or being obtrusively curious in observing 
their movements, cannot be excused. At table the ordinary 
usages of good society govern. The napkin is not to be used 
as a bib ; the knife must not be employed as a shovel ; the 



HOTELS. 189 

finger-bowl must not be mistaken for a goblet, and it is well to 
avoid those dishes which are unfamiliar, and in the eating of 
which it may be a matter of uncertainty whether a spoon or 
a fork will be required. 

ADVICE TO LADIES. 

For ladies, the etiquette of hotel life may be given in 
greater detail. In this country, where women so often travel 
without escort, the following hints for their guidance will prove 
invaluable. If duly observed, they will save much embarrass- 
ment, and perhaps preserve the fair traveler from annoyance 

and insult. 

ARRIVING AT HOTEL. 

In arriving at a hotel a lady should go to the ladies' 
entrance. She should never pass in or out through the pub- 
lic entrance, not even with an escort. 

When a lady arrives at a hotel, she should send at once 
for the proprietor. If she is provided with a letter of intro- 
duction to him, so much the better. Otherwise she will pre- 
sent her card, and mention the time for which she desires to 
secure an apartment. She will not enter the public office, 
but will go at once to the ladies' parlor, whence she will send 
to the proprietor or clerk, and await there her assignment to 

a room. 

GO AND COME QUIETLY. 

In passing to and from her apartment, she should not 
stand or linger in the halls. To do so is to invite rudeness. 
She must go and come quietly, and she will consult good taste 
by dressing in the least conspicuous manner. 



I90 HOTELS. 

RECOGNIZING FRIENDS. 

A lady is not expected to recognize her friends across the 
parlor or dining-room of a hotel. Greetings offered by other 
ladies at the table or in the parlor, should not be too hastily 
checked, as the acquaintance so formed is not required by 
etiquette to be recognized elsewhere. 

AT MEALS. 

In going to meals one of the waiters should meet her at 
the dining-room door and escort her to the table, saving her the 
awkwardness of crossing the floor alone, and showing other 
guests that she is a regular resident of the house. She may 
retain the services of this waiter during her stay, and it will 
be proper for her to give him a suitable present of money 
before departing. 

She should not go alone to the supper-table after ten 
o'clock. If she return from an entertainment at a later hour, 
and has no escort to supper, she should have the meal sent 
to her room. 

In giving an order at a public table, a lady should decide 
quickly what dishes she desires. The order should be given 
in a low, distinct tone. She must not point to any dish she 
wants passed to her. If she cannot name it, a well-trained 
waiter will understand her wishes if she simply looks at the 
dish. 

It is exceedingly " bad form " to stare around the room, 
fidget with the napkin, or play with the knife, fork or spoon. 
It is allowable to look over a newspaper at breakfast, while 



HOTELS. 191 

your order is being filled, but it is scarcely permissible to carry 
a novel to the table. 

If a lady accepts any small civility from a gentleman at 
the same table, such as handing the sugar, she must thank 
him, but she must not permit the opening of a conversation. 

If a lady have friends at the table, conversation in a low, 
quiet tone is entirely proper ; but any loud talk or laughter, 
or any extravagant gesticulation, is forbidden by the rules of 
good taste. It is exceedingly ill-bred to comment upon oth- 
ers present, either aloud or in a whisper. Any bold action or 
boisterous conduct in a hotel will expose a lady to the most 
severe censure, and possibly to misconstruction and imperti- 
nence. 

IN THE PARLOR. 

No lady should open a window in a hotel parlor if there 
are other ladies near it, without first consulting them. Nor 
should she use the piano of a hotel uninvited, if there are 
others in the room. It looks bold and forward to display 
even the most finished musical training in this way ; and sing- 
ing is still worse. 

It is not permissible for a lady to stand alone at the front 
windows of a hotel, or walk out on the porch, or in any other 
conspicuous place. She must not loll or lounge in a public 
parlor, and papers, books or music found in that apartment 
must never be carried to your own room. 

ADDITIONAL NOTES. 
Jewelry and money should be deposited with the clerk, to 



192 HOTELS. 

be rung for when wanted. Trunks and hand-bags should be 
carefully locked whenever you go out. 

A lady must never go herself to the door of a hotel to call 
a conveyance. King for the servant to perform this office, and 
he will have the carriage brought to the ladies' entrance. 

It is not allowable to scold the servants. If they are 
negligent or disrespectful, complain to the housekeeper or the 
landlord. 

Baggage should not be touched by a lady after it has been 
packed for her departure. The servants will attend to its 
removal, and they should carry to the hack even the traveling 
shawl, satchel and railway novel. It is not a pleasing spec- 
tacle to see a lady stumbling up the steps of a hotel hack. 



THE TABLE. 

The etiquette; of the table is of the first importance. 
Its neglect at home is a most serious matter, and the parents 
who fail to impress upon their children at every meal the 
duty of observing the courtesies and decent usages of the 
table commit a fault that cannot be too sharply reprehended. 
A writer has justly observed that it is impossible for a lady 
or gentleman to act with ease and grace at table when 
in company, at a hotel or any public place, unless they 
habitually pay attention to those minor points of etiquette, 
which form so distinctive a mark of good breeding. Habitual 
neglect of these details of table courtesy and usage will 
make them appear awkward restraints upon occasions when 
they are important. Children should be taught at home to 
be polite and attentive at the table, and the parents who see 
to this need have no fear that their offspring will shame 
them when away from home by rude manners and awkward- 
ness. Even one who eats alone ought to observe the rules 
of politeness. To do otherwise is to run the risk of forming 
awkward habits that he will not easily shake off in company. 

The following anecdote from the French is appropriate : 
The poet Delille and Marmontel were dining together one 
April day in 1786, when the conversation chanced to turn on 
dinner table customs. Marmontel observed how many little 

195 



196 THE TABLE. 

things a well-bred man was obliged to know if he would escape 
being ridiculous at the table of his friends, 

"They are, indeed, innumerable," said Delille; "and the 
most annoying fact of all is, that not all the wit and good 
sense in the world can help one to divine them untaught. A 
little while ago, for instance, the Abbe Cosson, who is profes- 
sor of Literature at the College Mazarin, was describing to 
me a great dinner to which he had been invited at Versailles, 
and to which he had sat down in the company of peers, 
princes and marshals of France. 

" 'I'll wager, now,' said I, 'that you committed a hun- 
dred blunders in the etiquette of the table.' 

"'How so?' replied the Abbe, somewhat nettled. 'What 
blunders could I make ? It seems to me that I did precisely 
as others did.' 

" 'And I, on the contrary, would stake my life that you 
did nothing as others did. But let us begin at the beginning, 
and see which is right. In the first place, there was your 
table-napkin — what did you do with that when you sat down 
at table?' 

" 'What did I do with my table-napkin ? Why, I did like 
the rest of the guests ; . I shook it out of the folds, spread it 
before me, and fastened one corner to my button-hole.' 

" 'Very well, mon cher, you were the only person who did 
so. No one shakes, spreads and fastens a table-napkin in 
that manner. You should have only laid it across your 
knees. What soup had you?' 

" 'Turtle.' 



THE TABLE. 1 97 

" 'And Low did you eat it ?' 

" 'Like every one else, I suppose, I took my spoon in one 
hand and my fork in the other.' 

" 'Your fork ! Good heavens ! None but a savage eats 
soup with a fork. But go on. What did you take next ?' 

" 'A boiled egg.' 

" 'Good; and what did you do with the shell?' 

" 'Not eat it, certainly. I left it, of course, in the egg- 
cup.' 

" 'Without breaking it through with your spoon?' 

'"Without breaking it?' 

" 'Then, my dear fellow, permit me to tell you that no 
one eats an egg without breaking the shell and leaving the 
spoon standing in it. And after your egg ?' 

" 'I asked for some bouille.' 

" 'For bouille! It is a term that no one uses. You 
should have asked for beef — never for bouille. Well, and 
after the bouilleV 

" 'I asked the Abbe de Baden- villais for some fowl.' 

" 'Wretched man ! Fowl, indeed ! You should have 
asked for chicken or capon. The word "fowl" is never heard 
out of the kitchen. But all this applies only to what you ate ; 
tell me something of what you drank, and how you asked for 
it?' 

" 'I asked for champagne and bordeaux from those who 
had the bottles before them.' 

" 'Know, then, my good friend, that only a waiter who 
has no time or breath to spare, asks for champagne or bor= 

13 



I98 THE TABLE. 

deaux. A gentleman asks for vin de Champagne and vin de 
Bordeaux. And now inform me how yon ate your bread.' 

" 'Undoubtedly like all the rest of the world. I cut it up 
into small pieces with my knife.' 

"'Then, let me tell you that no one cuts bread; you 
should always break it. Let us go on to the coffee. How 
did you drink yours ?' 

" 'Pshaw ! At least I could make no mistake in that. It 
was boiling hot ; so I poured it, a little at a time, into the 
saucer, and drank it as it cooled.' 

" <Eh bien! then you surely acted as no other gentle- 
man in the room. Nothing can be more vulgar than to 
pour tea or coffee into a saucer. You should have waited 
till it cooled, and then have drank it from the cup. And 
now you see, my dear cousin, that so far from doing precisely 
as the others did, you acted in no one respect according to 
the laws prescribed by etiquette.' " 

The story is a good one, and its moral plain. It shows 
that even a learned professor may grievously blunder in his 
table manners, and suggests the wisdom of making one's self 
familiar with the rules that polite society has established in 
this regard. A few hints here will be found useful. 

GENERAL HINTS. 

Sit neither very near nor very far from the table. Ladies, 
after seating themselves, should so dispose their skirts that 
others will not be crowded. 

Never open the napkin entirely. Let it lie on tho lap, 
partly folded. 



THE TABLE. 1 99 

A gentleman will always see that ladies are served 
before he begins to eat. 

Avoid making any noise on your plate with knife and fork. 

Low breeding is distinctly marked by smacking the lips, 
by sucking the soup with a gurgling sound, by chewing meat 
noisily, by swallowing as with an effort, and by breathing 
heavily while masticating the food. 

It is not less ill-bred to put large pieces of food into the 
mouth. If you should be addressed suddenly while your 
mouth was so filled, you would either have to make a very 
awkward pause before speaking, or else run the risk of stran- 
gulation by attempting to swallow the mouthful too hastily. 

It is rude to move your arms at table in such a way as 
to incommode your neighbors, and to lean back in the chair, 
or to tilt it, is quite unpardonable. You are required to sit 
erect, not stiffly, but in an easy position. 

It is decidedly inelegant to eat rapidly, and to eat very 
slowly is an affectation. It is well to preserve a happy 
medium. 

Bread must never be cut, nor bitten. It is to be always 
broken; and to use it for soaking up gravy is inexpressibly 
vulgar. It is equally vulgar to scrape up sauce with a 
spoon, and to take up bones with the fingers. 

Accustom yourself to eat with the left hand, thus avoiding 
the necessity of shifting the fork from one hand to the other. 
Never hold your knife and fork erect in your hands at each 
side of your plate, and do not cross them on your plate till 
you have finished eating. 



200 THE TABLE. 

When a plate has been sent to you filled with the food 
you have selected, keep it, as others may not have the same 
choice. If the plate contain one dish, such as pie or pud- 
ding, you may pass it on to those beside you, and wait till 
others above you are served before reserving a plate for your- 
self. Do not ask for a second helping. It is the duty of 
those at the head and foot of the table to offer that. 

As you will not pour your coffee or tea into the saucer 
to cool it, neither will you blow your soup. Give the coffee 
and the soup time to cool, and then proceed to enjoy them. 

In passing your plate to be served, or your cup to be 
refilled, remove the knife and fork, or the spoon, the latter 
to be placed in the saucer, and the former on the table. 
The salt-spoon, butter-knife and sugar-tongs should always 
be used. 

In the event that you want to cough or sneeze, leave 
the table, if possible. If not, lean back and turn your 
head. A sneeze, it is said, may be suppressed, by placing 
the finger firmly upon the upper lip. 

Don't use the table-cloth for a napkin. Don't pick your 
teeth with a fork. Don't put your fingers in your plate. 
And don't wipe your face with your napkin. 

When dining out, the napkin is not folded up, but placed 
beside your plate when the meal is over. At home, where a 
napkin-ring is used, it is proper to fold the napkin up and 
place it in the ring when you are done with it. 

It is unutteraby rude to find fault with the food, and it 
is no longer in good form to decline taking the last piece 



THE TABLE. 201 

on a plate. That is an old-fashioned bit of propriety which 
is now more honored in the breach than in the observance. 

It is improper to hurry away from the table as soon 
as you finish eating, if others remain to converse. In the 
event that you are called away before the conclusion, ask to 
be excused for leaving, and express your regrets for the 
necessity of so doing. 

These rules and suggestions are general, and they apply 
at home and in company ; no one can afford to slight them ; 
and no one who is thoroughly familiar with them need fear 
that he will make a spectacle of himself when he is thrown 
among polite society. 

Conversation graces meat, but no subject should be 
broached at table that is likely to excite disgust. Only the 
most refined topics should be introduced, and care should be 
exercised that no allusion is made or hint given that could 
offend the delicate sensibilities of guests who, without affecta- 
tion, may be exceedingly sensitive on such points. A good 
meal may be wholly spoiled for some by the suggestion of a 
disgusting object or association. 

A hair in the soup, a fly in the butter, a worm in the 
fruit, should be removed quietly. To do otherwise is unpar- 
donable. If a fly falls into your coffee, do not mention the 
fact, but silently send your cup away to be refilled. 

All small preferences for different wines or dishes should 
be kept in the background. Dishes and wines should 
not be mentioned unless they are on the table. 

Anything like greediness or indecision is ill-bred. The 



202 THE TABLE. 

choicest pieces are ignored ; and you must not take up one 
piece and lay it down in favor of another, or hesitate 
whether you will partake of the dish at all. 

Where silver fish-knives are not found on the taoie, a 
piece of crust should be taken in the left hand, and the fork 
in the right, thus avoiding awkwardness in eating the fish. 

BEGIN TO EAT AS SOON AS HELPED. 

As soon as you are helped at table, begin to eat. It 
is old-fashioned and ill-bred to wait for others. If the food 
is too hot to begin eating of it at once, take up the knife and 
fork and appear to begin. 

KNIFE, FORK AND SPOON. 

Do not abuse knife, fork or spoon. Perhaps it is unnec- 
essary to suggest that the knife must never be carried to the 
mouth. Cheese must be eaten with a fork, as likewise peas 
and most vegetables. Only puddings of a very soft kind and 
liquids require a spoon. In eating soup, always remember to 
take it from the side of the spoon. 

Neither soup nor fish should be taken a second time. 
Whenever there is a servant to help you, never help your- 
self. When he is near catch his eye and ask for what you 
want. To drink a whole glassful at once or drain a glass to 
the last drop is ineffably vulgar. 

Mustard, salt, etc., should be put at the side of the 
plate ; and one vegetable should never be heaped on top of 
the other. In eating, one should not bend the head vora- 
ciously over the plate. The plate must never be tilted on 



THE TABLE. 203 

any occasion. The wine-glass is to be held by the stem, and 

not by the bowl. 

EATING ASPARAGUS. 

In eating asparagus, there appears to be no settled rule. 
It is well, therefore, to observe what others do, and act 
accordingly. The best plan, perhaps, is to break off the 
heads with the fork, and thus convey them to the mouth. 
In France everybody takes up the asparagus with the fingers. 

EATING CHERRIES, PLUMS, ETC. 

In eating cherries, plums, etc., the same diversity of 
fashion prevails. Some put the stones out of the mouth 
into the spoon, and so convey them to the plate. Others 
cover the lips with the hand, drop the stones unseen into 
the palm, and so deposit them on the side of the plate. 
Very dainty feeders press out the stones with a fork in the 
first instance, and thus avoid the difficulty. This is recom- 
mended as the safest way for ladies. Fruit is eaten with 
a silver knife and fork. 
J FINGER-BOWLS. 

Finger glasses, containing water slightly warmed and 
perfumed, are placed to each person at dessert. Into these 
you dip your fingers, wiping them afterwards on your table 

napkin. 

CONVERSATION. 

It is not well to talk too much at dinner. Very few have 
the genius to eat and talk well at the same time. One 
must observe the golden mean between dullness and brill- 



204 THE TABLE. 

iancy, remembering that a dinner is not a conversazione. 
In talking at table, gesticulations are objectionable. Noth- 
ing can well be more awkward and disconcerting than to 
overturn a wineglass, or upset the sauce upon the dress of 
your nearest neighbor. 



DINNERS. 

It were not easy — nay, it is not possible — to over-esti- 
mate the importance of dinners. Ward McAllister, the auto- 
crat of the drawing-rooms and a prince among entertainers, 
won his premiership of the Four Hundred by his mastery of 
the art of good feeding. " Providence," said the illustrious 
Dr. Prout, "has gifted man with reason; to his reason, 
therefore, is left the choice of his food and drink, and not to 
instinct, as among the lower animals. It thus becomes his 
duty to apply his reason to the regulation of his diet ; to shun 
excess in quantity, and what is obnoxious in quality ; to 
adhere, in short, to the simple and the natural, among which 
the bounty of his Maker has afforded him an ample selection ; 
and beyond which, if he deviates, sooner or later he will pay 
the penalty." 

It is said, with no little justice, that every man, the wise 
as well as the foolish, is a slave to his cook. And fortunes 
are made and marred by the influences of digestion, as wit- 
ness the story related of Napoleon who is said to have lost 
two great battles — those of Leipsic and Borodino — because 
he had dined in great haste ! And was not there once a great 
king who died of an over-gorge of lampreys, thus changing 
the course of history ? What a warning ! And we doubt not 
that history could supply thousands of instances in which an 
abused digestion has wreaked no less important revenges. 

207 



208 DINNERS. 

"The life of man," says the renowned Dr. Lancaster, 
" is like a fire. Just as the fire must have fuel in order that 
it may burn, so we must have food in order that we may 
live," and the analogy is in many respects quite correct, for 
we find that man really produces in his body a certain amount 
of heat, just as the fire does ; and the result of the combus- 
tion of the materials of his food is the same as the result of 
burning fuel in a fire. Man exists, in fact, in consequence of 
the physical and chemical changes that go on in his body as 
the result of taking food. " And further on he says : "Cooks 
in the kitchen, and ladies who superintend cooks and order 
dinners for large families, never think of asking whether food 
contains the right proportions of those ingredients which 
secure health ; yet, without these, babies get rickets, young 
ladies acquire crooked spines, fathers get gouty, mothers have 
palpitations ; and they do not think of ascribing these things 
to the food, which has deprived them of the proper constitu- 
ents of their food. " 

But it is not our purpose to discuss the scientific phases 
of the food question. We merely wish to impress upon the 
minds of our readers the importance of good cookery, and to 
urge upon every housewife the duty of obtaining the best pos- 
sible dinners for her family that her means will afford. 
Indifference to food is not a heroic virtue, and she should not 
permit a false sentiment to obscure the fact. Man is what 
he eats and woman is the caterer. If she perform her duty 
well her reward in domestic tranquility and inward peace will 
be ample. 



DINNERS. 209 

DINNER-GIVING. 

'In another chapter the etiquette of the table has been 
detailed. In this chapter the subject of dinner-giving will be 
considered, and light from the best sources will be thrown 
upon it. Ward McAllister, for example, in his chapter on 
"Entertaining," in "Society as I Have Found It," says that 
" the first object to be arrived at is to make your dinners so 
charming and agreeable that invitations to them are eagerly 
sought for, and to let all feel that it is a great privilege to dine 
at your house, where they are sure to meet only those they 
will wish to meet. You cannot instruct people by a book how 
to entertain," he continues,, "though Aristotle is said to have 
applied his talents to a compilation of a code of laws for the 
table. Success in entertaining is accomplished by magnet- 
ism and tact, which, combined, constitute social genius. It is 
the ladder to social success. If successfully done, it natu- 
rally excites jealousy. I have known a family who for years 
outdid every one in giving exquisite dinners — driven to Eu- 
rope and passing the rest of their days there, on finding a 
neighbor outdoing them. I, myself, " the leader of the Four 
Hundred goes on, " once lost a charming friend by giving a 
better soup than he did. His wife rushed home from my 
house, and in despair, throwing up her hands to her husband, 
exclaimed, ' Oh ! what a soup !' I related this to my cousin, 
the distinguished gourmet, who laughingly said : * Why did 
you not at once invite them to pork and beans ? ' " 

In planning a dinner, the question is not to whom you 
owe dinners, but who is most desirable. The success of the 



2IO DINNERS. 

dinner depends as much upon the company as the cook. 
Discordant elements— people invited alphabetically, or to pay 
off debts — are fatal. The next step is an interview with your 
chef or cordon bleu, whom you must arouse to fever heat by 
working on his ambition and vanity. You must impress upon 
him that this particular dinner will give him fame and lead 
to fortune. This accomplished, the question of soups and 
fish and entrees and dessert must be settled, and this safely 
done, nothing remains but to await the event. 

THE NUMBER OF GUESTS. 

The number of guests at a dinner party depends on the 
size of the room and the size of the table. Brillat Savarin, 
the great French authority, laid down the rules that the num- 
bers at a dinner party should not be less than the Graces nor 
more than the Muses, and this rule is justly esteemed a good 
one. Even numbers, however, are to be desired, as more 
convenient, and the number of ladies and gentlemen should 

be equal. 

SEATING GUESTS. 

In this country questions of precedence are not strictly 
observed as in England, but even here the more distin- 
guished guests are accorded the places of honor. When the 
parties are assembled— and it is imperative that every in- 
vited guest shall be punctual to the minute, neither late nor 
too early — the mistress of the house will point out to each 
gentleman the lady whom he is to conduct to table. The 
Boston fashion of one's finding, on entering the house in which 



DINNERS 2 1 1 

he was to dine, a small envelope on a silver salver, in which 
was inclosed a card bearing on it the name of the lady as- 
signed to him to take in to dinner^ though still in use in New 
York, is gradually dying out. Yet it has its obvious advan- 
tages. Great discretion and tact are required in making 
these assignments. A judicious host or hostess will consider 
the politics, religious opinions and tastes of the guests. 
Quicksands will thus be avoided and the party will more cer- 
tainly prove a social success. 

"In going in to dinner," says a leading authority, ' 'there 
is but one rule to be observed. The lady of the house, in 
almost every case, goes in last, all her guests preceding her 
with this exception, that if the president of- the United States 
dines with you, or royalty, he takes in the lady of the house, 
preceding all the guests. When no ladies are present, the 
host should ask the most distinguished guest, or the person 
to whom the dinner is given, to lead the way in to dinner, 
and he should follow all the guests. The cards in the plates 
indicate his place to each one. By gesture alone, the host 
directs his guests to the dining-room, saying aloud to the 
most distinguished guest, '"Will you kindly take the seat on 

my right ?' " 

CONVERSATION. 

Tact must be exercised in the distribution of your guests 
at dinner. If among them there is a wit, or a clever talker, 
he should be placed near the center, where he can be heard and 
talked with by all the rest. If there be two such, do not seat 
them near each other, for in that case they will extinguish 



212 DINNERS. 

each other. Nor should two gentlemen of the same profes- 
sion be placed side by side. They will probably fall to talk- 
ing "shop" and thus cease to be entertaining except to them- 
selves. A New York social star says, "that at table conver- 
sation should be crisp; it is bad taste to absorb it all. 
Macaulay, at a dinner, would so monopolize the conversation 
that Sydney Smith, the great wit, said that the historian did 
not distinguish between monologue and dialogue ." 

YOUNG GUESTS SPOIL A DINNER PARTY. 

It is the dictum of good society that very young ladies 
and gentlemen should not be invited to dinner parties. 
"Young people," says the clever author of "Miss Majori- 
banks," "are the ruin of society." They are certainly the 
ruin of dinner parties. 

DISHES NOT PLACED ON THE TABLE. 

The fashion of dinners has been revolutionized since our 
grandfathers' days. Indeed, the changes within very recent 
years have been very marked. Dishes are now never placed 
on the table at a dinner of ceremony, and rarely even at 
small friendly dinners ; and few people will resort to the old 
mode who have once tried the new. 

THE TABLE. 

An important point is the shape of the table, the circular 
and oval forms being preferred as offering superior advantages 
for conversation. The horse-shoe table is adapted to state 
banquets only ; and the old-fashioned parallelogram is no 



DINNERS. 213 

longer in favor. At the oval table the host and hostess face 
each other on opposite sides. According to the French cus- 
tom the host and hostess sit side by side at the middle of the 

table. 

THE DINING-ROOM. 

It is decreed by fashion and by common sense as well 
that, even in the heat of summer, the dining-room must be 
carpeted. Otherwise the shuffling of feet will be annoying. 
Chairs with slanting backs are deemed the most desirable. 
The temperature of the room should be about 68 deg. Fahr. 
The presence of flowers on the table is in the best possible 
taste, and a small glass vase containing a boutonniere at every 
cover is very dainty, the guests removing the bouquets on 
leaving the table. At the best New York houses, however, 
the corsage and button-hole bouquets are no longer seen. In 
the matter of light it is well to be conservative. A lamp on 
the table is not to be commended, and gas by many is deemed 
intolerable. A careful arrangement of wax candles is prefer- 
able to any other mode of lighting. The candles should be 
of real wax and not less than two to the pound. Written bills 
of fare are laid to every two guests. 

THE SERVANTS. 

The servants should be well-trained, silent, observant, 
carefully dressed and scrupulously clean. One servant to 
every two guests, or at least one to every three, is required. 
However, if only two servants are in attendance, one should 
begin with the guest on the host's right, ending with the lady 

14 



214 DINNERS. 

of the house ; the other with the guest on the hostess' right, 

ending with the master. 

GRACE. 

If clergymen be present, the one highest in rank is 
asked to say grace, except where the master of the house is a 
churchman, when he himself pronounces the ceremony. 

PROLONGED WINE-DRINKING CONDEMNED. 

At dinner parties ladies seldom eat cheese, drink 
liquors, or take wine at dessert. Coffee, after the excellent 
foreign custom, is served in the dining-room before the ladies 
retire. The prolonged wine-drinking now so generally con- 
demned is thus discouraged. When the ladies retire, the 
gentlemen rise, and the gentleman nearest the door holds it 
open while the ladies pass out. For gentlemen to remain 
long after the ladies have gone is in bad taste and a 
poor compliment to the hostess and her fair guests. It is in 
still worse taste to rejoin them with flushed faces and uncer- 
tain speech. A refined gentleman is always temperate. 

LENGTH OF A DINNER. 

Speaking of the length of a good dinner, a recent writer 
quotes Napoleon the Third as insisting on being served in 
three-quarters of an hour. "As usual," says the writer in 
question, "here we run from one extreme to another. One 
of our most fashionable women boasted to me that she had 
dined out the day before, and the time consumed from the 
hour she left her house, until her return home, was but one 
hour and forty minutes. This is absurd. A lover of the 



DINNERS. 215 

flesh-pots of Egypt grumbled to me that his plate was 

snatched away from him by the servant before he could half 

get through the appetizing morsel on it. This state of things 

has been brought about by stately, handsome dinners, spun 

out to too great length. One hour and a half at the table is 

long enough/ 

THE EYE SHOULD HAVE A FEAST. 

In an interesting chapter on "Dinners," a popular 
authority says that "It is now the fashion to have the most 
superb embroidered table-cloths from Paris, in themselves 
costing nearly a year's income. But it is to be remembered 
that thirty years ago we imported from England the fashion 
of placing in the center of the table a handsome piece of 
square scarlet satin, on which to place the silver. At the 
dinner the eye should have a feast as well as the palate. A 
beautifully laid table is very effective. I have seen Her Maj- 
esty's table at Windsor all ready for her. I have heard her 
footmen, in green and gold, re-echo from hall to kitchen the 
note that 'dinner is served,' and then I was told to go ; but I 
saw all I wanted to see. Her six footmen placed their hands 
on the little velvet Bishop's cap, which covered the lion and 
the unicorn in frosted gold on the cover of her six entree 
dishes; as dinner was announced, the velvet cap was re- 
moved." 

A VEXED QUESTION. 

An interesting point in dinner-party etiquette has been 
much discussed in high social circles. At a large dinner, 
where the only lady is the hostess, should she rise and 



2l6 DINNERS. 

receive each guest ? This is still a vexed question. Again ? 
at a large dinner of men, is it incumbent on every one pres- 
ent to rise on the entrance of each guest? "On one occa- 
sion, " says the leader of the Four Hundred, "I failed myself 
to do this, not thinking it necessary. The distinguished man 
who entered said afterward that I had 'slighted him.' It 
was certainly unintentional. In a small room, if all get up, 
it must create confusion." 

SOME GOLDEN RULES. 

The literature of gastronomy is voluminous and interest- 
ing, and no one has written more entrancingly or with 
greater authority on the subject than Brillat Savarin, the 
great French epicure. His "Golden Eules of the Dinner 
Table" should be committed to memory. They are as 
follows : 

"Let not the number of the guests exceed twelve, so that 
the conversation may be general. Let them be so selected 
that their occupation shall be varied, their tastes similar, 
their points of contact so numerous that to introduce them 
shall be scarcely necessary. 

"Let the dining-room be superbly lighted, the cloth of 
exquisite fineness and gloss, the temperature of the room 
from 13 deg. to 16 deg. Eeamur (60 deg. to 68 deg. Fahren- 
heit). 

"Let the men be cultivated, without pretensions ; and 
the ladies charming, without coquetry. 

"Let the dishes be exceedingly choice, but not too 
numerous ; and every wine first-rate of its kind. 



DINNERS. 217 

"Let the order of the dishes be from the substantial to the 
light, and of wines from the simplest to those of richest bou- 
quet. 

"Let the business of eating be very slow, the dinner being 
the last act of the lady's drama ; and let the guests and host 
consider themselves as so many travelers journeying leisurely 
toward the same destination. 

"Let the coffee be hot and the liquors be chosen by the 
host. 

"Let the drawing-room be large enough for a game of 
cards, if any of the guests cannot do without it, and yet 
have space enough remaining for after-dinner conversation. 

"Let the guests be retained by the attractions of the 
party, and animated with the hope of some evening meeting 
again under the same pleasant auspices. 

"Let not the tea be too strong ; let the toast be buttered 
in the most scientific manner ; let the punch be prepared to 
perfection. 

"Let no one depart before 11 o'clock, and no one be in 
bed later than 12. 

"If any one has been present at a party fulfilling these 

conditions, he may boast of having been present at his own 

apotheosis." 

WHERE OLD RULES PREVAIL. 

Where old customs are clung to and old fashions prevail 
in the service of dinner, the gentleman who supports the lady 
of the house should offer to relieve her of the duties devolv- 
ing upon her. Many hostesses are well pleased thus to dele- 



2l8 DINNERS. 

gate the difficulties of earving, and all gentlemen who accept 
invitations to dinner should be prepared to render such assist- 
ance and do it gracefully. To offer to carve a dish and then 
perform the office unskillfully is an unpardonable gaucherie. 
Every gentleman should be able to carve and to carve well. 

DUTIES OF HOSTESS. 
The duties of hostess at a dinner party are not burden- 
some, but they demand tact and good breeding, grace of 
bearing and self-possession in no ordinary degree. She does 
not often carve, she has no active duties to discharge, but 
she must neglect nothing, forget nothing, put all her guests 
at their ease, and pay every possible attention to the require- 
ments of each and all around her. Her temper must be kept 
under even the most trying accidents. She must let no dis- 
appointment disturb or embarrass her. She must see her 
old china broken without a sigh, and her best glass shattered 

with a smile. 

DUTIES OF HOST. 

But the duties of the host are not so light. A modern 
writer thus discourses on the host and his difficult role : "To 
perform faultlessly the honors of the table is one of the most 
difficult things in society. It might, indeed, be asserted, 
without much fear of contradiction, that no man has yet 
reached exact propriety in his office of host, or has hit the 
mean between exerting himself too much and too little. His 
great business is to put every one entirely at his ease, to 
gratify all his desires, and make him, in a word, absolutely 
contented with men and things. To accomplish this, he 



DINNERS. 219 

must have the genius of tact to perceive, and the genius of 
finesse to execute ; ease and frankness of manner ; a knowl- 
edge of the world that nothing can surprise ; a calmness of 
temper that nothing can disturb ; and a kindness of disposi- 
tion that can never be exhausted. When he receives others, 
he must be content to forget himself; he must relinquish all 
desire to shine, and even all attempts to please his guests by 
conversation, and rather do all in his power to let them 
please one another. He behaves to them without agitation, 
without affectation; he pays attention without an air 
of 'protection ; he encourages the timid, draws out the silent 
and directs conversation without sustaining it himself. He 
who does not do all this is wanting in his duty as host ; he 
who does is more than mortal. 



BALLS. 

The invitations to a ball must be sent out two or three 
weeks in advance. The number of guests depends somewhat 
on the size of your house and the length of your visiting list. 
Ordinarily the number invited is about twice what your rooms 
will hold, since some will not be able to accept, and others 
will fail at the last moment. During the height of the season 
this precaution is especially necessary, since many of the 
guests will be going to other balls and receptions, and you will 
naturally desire to insure the presence of a sufficiently large 
company throughout the evening. A hundred guests consti- 
tute a "ball;" over that, a "large ball;" under that, a 
"dance." 

WALL-FLOWERS. 

Only those who dance should accept invitations to a ball. 
The presence of " wall-flowers " is not an honorable dis- 
tinction which a hostess will crave. 

ASSEMBLE AT 10 O'CLOCK. 

Guests usually begin to assemble at a ball at 10 o'clock, 
but arrivals may continue till break of day, where attend- 
ance at other affairs has made an early appearance impos- 
sible. 

RECEIVING GUESTS. 

The lady of the house receives her guests at the door, 
supported by her husband. The sons assist in introducing 

223 



224 BALLS. 

the guests as they arrive, and the young ladies of the family 
busy themselves with keeping up the dances, but they must 
not dance until all their friends have been provided with part- 
ners. 

GENTLEMAN ESCORTING LADY. 

If a gentleman engages to escort a lady to a ball, he must 
call for her in a carriage at the hour appointed, and he is 
expected to send a bouquet in the course of the afternoon. 
Arrived at the house of the hostess, he escorts his fair charge 
immediately to the dressing-room, where he leaves her, going 
thence to the gentlemen's dressing-room, where he will make 
his own toilet as speedily as possible. He will then return to 
the ladies' dressing-room, waiting at the door till the lady 
appears, when he will escort her to the ball-room and imme- 
diately to the hostess. 

GENTLEMAN UNACCOMPANIED BY. LADY. 

Where a gentleman is unaccompanied by a lady, he must 
ask one of the young ladies of the house for the first dance. 
If she declines on the plea of want of room, or that some 
of her guests are without partners, he must gracefully yield, 
and lead out any lady the hostess may designate. Every 
gentleman must make a point of asking the ladies of the 
house to dance, and he must not selfishly slight those 
unfortunates who may have outlived their youth and beauty. 

ETIQUETTE OF THE BALL-ROOM. 

The lady, by the rules of etiquette, is obliged to dance 
the first dance with her escort, but after that she is at lib- 



BALLS. 225 

erty to accept other partners. The gentleman, however, 
must be alert throughout the evening in her behalf, taking 
especial care that she is not neglected. He will escort her 
to supper, and hold himself in readiness to take her home 
at any moment she may elect. 

SECURING PARTNERS. 

A gentleman must select his partner before the music 
commences, and in leading her to and from the floor he must 
offer his arm, and not his hand. 

When a lady has declined to dance on the score of 
fatigue, she must not be seen upon the floor again unless 
she has expressly stated that she wished to rest for that dance 
alone. 

It is an unpardonable rudeness for a gentleman to turn 
directly from a lady who has declined to dance with him, to 
ask another, who has overheard the refusal. If the firsi 
lady has a prior engagement, it is the gentleman's duty to 
seek a partner in another part of the room, but where she 
pleads fatigue, or a disinclination to dance that set, he should 
pay her the compliment of remaining by her side till it 
is time to seek a partner for the next number. 

No lady will dance with one gentleman after she has refused 
mother. In declining to dance she must never do so point 
blank, but she may plead fatigue or some other reasonable 
excuse. 

When a lady desires to sit down before the close of a 
Jance her partner must not insist on her remaining on the 



2 26 BALLS. 

floor. He must at once escort her to a seat, expressing his 
regret at the interrupted pleasure. But if she release him 
then he pays her a poor compliment if he go to seek another 
partner. 

Ladies are expected to receive all introductions which 
may be proposed at a private ball, but at a public ball they 
may use their own judgment in the matter with perfect pro- 
priety. 

A young lady should not dance with the same partner 
more than twice unless she desires to be noticed. 

It is a rigorous rule that ladies must not enter or cross a 
ball-room without an escort. 

Walking about the room after a dance is not permitted. 
The young lady is instantly returned to her seat when the 
music stops. 

It is not in good form to make arrangements for another 
dance while one is in progress. Partners should be secured 
between the dances, and a lady should be extremely careful 
not to engage herself to two gentlemen for the same number. 
To forget an engagement is a shocking breach of good man- 
ners. 

A gentleman in asking a lady to dance may do so in any 
polite form, but ordinarily he will say, " Will you honor me 
with your hand for a quadrille?" or "Shall I have the honor 
of dancing the next set with you?" 

Ladies who have danced every set should not boast of 
the fact in the presence of other ladies who may not have 
been so fortunate. 




The Masquerade. 



BALLS. 22 7 

Ladies must not leave a ball-room alone. 
Gentlemen may not ask a lady to dance unless a formal 
introduction has taken place. 

SUPPER AT MIDNIGHT. 

Supper is announced at midnight and the supper-room 
is kept open from that time till the ball closes. The gloves 
are removed at supper 

ESCORTING LADY HOME. 

When ready to withdraw, do so quietly, reserving your 
compliments and thanks to the hostess for a future occa- 
sion, when you should make a call for the express purpose 
of acknowledging your debt of gratitude for the pleasure 
you have enjoyed. 

After a gentleman has escorted a lady home, he must on 
no account enter the house, even if invited to do so, but he 
should call on her the following afternoon or evening to- pay 
his respects and inquire after her health. 

ADDITIONAL HINTS. 

It is not considered well-bred to stay too late at a ball. 
A gentleman must not take the vacant seat next to a lady 
unless he is acquainted with her ; and not then without her 
express permission. 

It rests entirely with the lady whether she recognize a 
ball-room acquaintance at a future meeting. If she doesn't 
care to do so she need not, and no gentleman will presume 
upon such an acquaintance. 



228 BALLS. 

Married people are not expected to dance with each othei 
at either a public or private ball. 

Gloves of white kid must be worn throughout the evening. 

At the beginning and end of a quadrille the gentleman 
bows to his partner, anc? again when he hands her to a seat 



Private Entertainments, 



15 



PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENTS 

Distinct from dinner-parties and balls are a number of 
morning and evening affairs which are known as conversa- 
ziones, private concerts, private theatricals, soirees, dramatic 
readings, tea-parties and matinees. These are usually some- 
what less formal than either the dinner and the ball, but the 
same general rules of etiquette apply, modified to conform 
with the circumstances. 

Under the head of conversaziones are included "Recep- 
tions" and "At Homes" and for these invitations should be 
issued a week or so in advance. At a conversazione, as the 
name implies, the chief feature is conversation, and, when 
literary or scientific people are thus drawn together, is the sole 
one, if we except the refreshments that the hostess is expected 
to serve. For ordinary occasions, however, especially where 
the guests are principally young people, the conversazione 
may be diversified by music, games and even impromptu 

dances. 

RECEIVING THE GUESTS. 

For small evening parties, the host and hostess, during 
the early part of the evening, remain near the door to receive 
the guests ; but late-comers must not expect to find them 
in this position, for it becomes their duty, when the company, 
or the major portion of it, is assembled, to mix among the 
guests and provide for their entertainment. However, the 

231 



232 PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENTS. * 

host and hostess should be quick to note a late arrival and 
to make him welcome. As the guests enter the room, the 
hostess should advance a step or two to meet them, uttering 
a few words of greeting, first addressing the elder ladies, then 
the younger ones, and lastly the gentlemen. If the new- 
comers are strangers, the hostess must introduce them imme- 
diately to those present, but otherwise they must pass on, 
after a moment, leaving the hostess to look after later arrivals. 

AVOID FUSSINESS. 

A well-bred hostess will avoid fussiness. She will 
remain constantly with her guests and not fidget in and out 
as if she were busy with the supper or doubtful of her ser- 
vants. She will have seen to all the details of supper and 
service before the company have come, and she will thus be 
able to appear in their eyes as one who has no thought 
beyond the reception-rooms and those who throng them. 

ENTERTAINING. 

At a formal conversazione it is desirable to have some 
person distinguished in art, literature, science, travel, war or 
politics ; and he of course is the central figure about which 
all others revolve, but it will be well to invite some other 
notables who will in some degree divide attention with the 
star attraction. 

HOSTESS SEES THAT CONVERSATION DOES NOT DRAG. 
A hostess must not interrupt a tete-a-tete which is obvi- 
ously interesting to the participants, but if she perceive that 



PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENTS. 233 

conversation languishes between a couple thrown together, 
she should skillfully bring a third into it, or adroitly draw one 
of the party away while substituting another. 

MUSIC AND DANCING. 

When dancing is introduced, the etiquette of the ball- 
room is the etiquette of the evening party. If the hostess 
cannot herself preside at the instrument, she should provide 
a pianist to furnish the music, rather than devolve upon any 
of her guests that duty. She certainly has no right to vic- 
timize a willing soul who may not like to refuse to play if 
asked. However, a gentleman who is a good pianist may, 
with entire propriety, offer his services to the hostess to play 
for an impromptu dance, or he may offer to relieve any lady 
so engaged, to give her an opportunity to join with those on 
the floor. If the ladies outnumber the gentlemen, however, 
and he is required to fill a set, he must not insist on playing, 
but rather remain where he is most needed. 

ICES. 

Ices alone are handed around once or twice during the 
evening at a dancing party, the supper being served later, if 
at all. As a rule, however, ices, lemonade, cake, confection- 
ery and fruit are considered sufficient for a small evening 
party which breaks up early. 

INVITING GUESTS TO SING OR PLAY. 
When the party is mixed — that is, when it includes con- 
versation, music and dancing — the hostess may invite her 



234 PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENTS. 

guests to sing or play, but if a guest declines, it is bad taste 
to insist on a compliance with the request. If the hostess 
herself sings or plays, she may favor the guests with a single 
selection after the others have been heard. A guest should 
not be asked to sing or play a second time, unless the com- 
pany generally manifest a desire to that effect. Amateurs 
should make themselves the masters of at least a few pieces 
which they can render without the notes. To carry your 
music with you is to suggest that you expect to be asked to 
play or sing, and to go without them, unless you have learned 
something by heart, is to be forced to decline if called upon, 
the one case being as embarrassing as the other. 

PRESERVING ORDER. 

When one is playing or singing it is not polite to con- 
tinue talking, at least in ordinary tones. If a companion 
insists on conversation, the voice should be subdued and you 
should withdraw from the immediate vicinity. But a singer 
or player will not wait for a lull in the room, or manifest 
annoyance, however galling the buzz of conversation, spoil- 
ing the finest effects, may be. Considerate people will never 
forget the feelings of others, however, and only those lacking 
in civility will disturb one who is making an effort to please. 

GENTLEMAN ESCORTS LADY TO PIANO. 

When a lady is invited by the hostess to sing or play, 
the gentleman nearest to her should offer his arm to escort 
her to the instrument, remaining near her during the per- 
formance and turning the music for her if he be competent. 



PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENTS. 2^ = 

He will also take charge of her fan, bouquet and glomes, and 
when she is ready to return to her seat he must again offer 
his arm, at the same time thanking her for the pleasure she 
has afforded himself and others. 

PLAYING AN ACCOMPANIMENT. 

When one is asked to play an accompaniment, he should 
play, not to display his own talent, but so as to afford the 
best possible support for the singer. This applies as well to 
a second in an instrumental duet. It is well to remember 
that a second is not the first. 

PRIVATE THEATRICALS. 

In giving private theatricals and concerts success can b«. 
secured only by making the performances very good. Indif- 
ferent players or singers can produce only indifferent results, 
and a hostess who attempts to entertain her friends by the 
presentation of cheap talent must not be surprised if her 
guests yawn instead of applaud. Wherever it is possible pro- 
fessional talent should be secured for private concerts, and 
amateurs who consent to appear on the programme ought to 
feel very confident of their abilities, even though none but 
personal friends will be their auditors and critics. 
CONVERSATION. 

Between the parts conversation may be indulged in, but 
during the performance guests must be seated and decorous 
silence must prevail, broken only by the applause called for by 
the merits of the numbers ; but to hiss or otherwise manifest 
disapproval of any private performance is utterly unheard of. 



236 PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENTS. 

MAKING COMMENTS ON INSTRUMENTS. 

A lady or gentleman who is asked to play will not make 
unfavorable comments on the instrument. To do so is exceed- 
ingly rude. 

TURNING THE MUSIC. 

Persons who do not read music at sight should not offer 
to turn the leaves for a player, lest they cause confusion by 
turning too soon or too late. 

HOSTESS MAKES THE PROGRAMME. 

Unless she deputes the business to a stage manager, it is 
the duty of the hostess, in arranging for a private concert or 
theatricals — which latter includes charades, tableaux, prov- 
erbs and dramatic reading — to make up the" programme and 
cast the parts. Those selected by her to assist in the per- 
formance should show their appreciation of the honor by a 
cheerful acceptance of the parts assigned, even though such 
parts may be obscure or not just what they themselves would 
have chosen. The arrangements of the hostess must be 
gracefully acquiesced in and the performer is in duty bound 
to acquit himself to the very best of his ability no matter how 
uncongenial his role may be. But the hostess should consult 
each one before assigning the parts and try to suit all. 
Neither the host nor the hostess must take conspicuous parts 
in a performance unless urged to do so by the rest of those 
who are to participate in it. When one has undertaken a 
part, only the gravest reasons will be accepted for its relin- 
quishment. No ordinary excuse will suffice and any failure 



PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENTS. 237 

to fulfill such an obligation is not only an insult to the host- 
ess but an affront to the rest of the performers. 

THE HOURS FOR PRIVATE THEATRICALS. 

The hours usually selected for such entertainments are 
from 2 to 6 in the afternoon or from 8 to 11 in the even- 
ing. Ordinarily the programme is divided into two parts, 
and between these it is admissible for the spectators to 
promenade and otherwise to promote the social amenities 
of the occasion. 

Full morning dress is most appropriate for matinees, 
which are usually held in the open air, and it is desirable to 
have a good brass band or an orchestra to furnish the music. 
No introductions are given, the guests pursuing their own 
devices and amusing themselves as best they may. 

REFRESHMENTS. 
If tents are not erected in the grounds selected, luncheon 
may be spread on tables under the trees, or even indoors. 
Cold meats, salads, fruits, ices and confections, with tea and 
coffee, should be served. Private fetes in the country corre- 
spond to matinees in the city, and the same general rules are 
applicable. Ceremony is laid aside on these occasions and 
people act with much greater freedom than at more formal 
gatherings. 

GREAT TACT REQUIRED. 

-In the management of a party, whether in the country or 
city, whether great or small, morning or evening, no little tact 
is required. The hostess must consult the tastes and wishes 



238 PRIVATE ENTERTAINMENTS. 

of her guests and let the knowledge thus gained be her guide. 
To compel a large party to listen to indifferent music or to 
watch the bungling performance of charades by two or three 
ambitious amateurs anxious to exhibit their talents is in bad 
taste, to say the least, and to suffer the younger members of 
a mixed assembly to dominate the entertainment is disrespect- 
ful to the older people and shows a want of consideration. 
As far as possible a company should be congenial in its ele- 
ments, but this is often out of the question and it therefore 
becomes the duty of the hostess to arrange the programme so 
as best to suit the majority of her guests. 

MUCH OF YOUR PLEASURE DEPENDS UPON YOURSELF. 

"Your pleasure at any party," says a distinguished social 
authority, "will depend far more upon what you take with you 
into the room than upon what you find there. Ambition, 
vanity, pride, will all go with anxiety, and you will probably 
carry them all home again, with the additional burden of dis- 
appointment. Even if they are all gratified, you will know 
that others are disliking you, even if envious of you. To go 
with a sincere desire to please others by amiability, good- 
nature and sympathy will probably result in your own popu- 
larity and if you entirely forget yourself, you will be astonished 
to find how much others insist upon remembering you." 



Leaves have their time to fall 

And flowers to wither at the North Wind's breath, 
And stars to set; but all, 

Thou hast all seasons for thine own,, Death. 

— Felicia Hemans, 



There is no flock, however watched and tended- 

But one dead lamb is there. 
There is no fireside, howsoe'er defended, 

But has one vacant chair. 

— Henry W. Longfellow. 



240 



FUNERALS. 

In the midst of life we are in death. Bishop Hall has 

said that "death borders upon our birth, and our cradle stands 

in the grave." And Shakespeare says that "nothing can we call 

our own but death, and that small model of the barren earth 

which serves as paste and cover to our bones.'' Dr. Young 

in his "Night Thoughts" declares that "death is the crown of 

life." 

"Were death denied, poor men would live in vain; 
Were death denied, to live would not be life; 
Were death denied, ev'n fools would wish to die." 

Bryant calls death the Deliverer and says "God hath anoint- 
ed it to free the oppressed and crush the oppressor." To 
Wordsworth death was "the quiet heaven of us all." 

"0 eloquent, just and mighty death!" exclaims Sir 
Walter Baleigh; "whom none could advise, thou hast per- 
suaded ; what none hath dared, thou hast done ; and whom 
all the world have flattered, thou only has cast out of the 
world and despised: thou hast drawn together all the far 
stretched greatness, all the pride, cruelty and ambition of 
men, and covered it all over with these two narrow words, 
Hie jacet ?" Byron was terrorized in the contemplation of 
death. He cries : 

"Oh, God! it is a fearful thing 
To see the human soul take wing 
In any shape, in any mood." 



24 2 FUNERALS. 

But to Longfellow 

"There is no death! What seems so is transition; 

This life of mortal breath 
Is but a suburb of the life elysian, 

Whose portal we call death." 

Yet this transition is a solemn and fearful event and 
the boldest shrink in the presence of the Pale Horseman. 
But "men must endure their going hence, even as their com- 
ing hither." There is no escape. Some day the finger of 
God will touch us all and we shall sleep. "The shadow 
cloaked from head to foot, who keeps the keys of all the 
creeds," will fall upon us, and earth and its beauties, its joys 
and its sorrows, its interests and affections, will fade away 
into the impenetrable mysteries of eternity. 

"Take a serious look at the world," exclaims an eloquent 
writer, "and what a piteous spectacle it presents ! Imagine 
that you are standing outside, where you can look in at the 
world and upon the generations of men. You can see its joys 
and its sorrows, its triumphs and its defects ; and being re- 
moved from the strifes and impulses of men you can judge 
impartially. To your view, the world would be one great fun- 
eral procession. Some are laughing, some crying, but all are 
moving toward the grave. Some are walking with slow 
steps, some bounding with light and joyous tread, some mov- 
ing with stately bearing ; but all carrying their burdens to 
the same place — the tomb. Funeral bells are tolling con- 
stantly. In one place a peasant is being borne to his humble 
resting-place. In another place, a steady procession, in all 



FUNERALS. 243 

the pomp and splendor of earth, is bearing a king to the tomb. 
He, too, lays all his wealth and power and robes and even 
his crown at the open door of the grave. The pale boatman 
receives them both alike, and bears them to their home. One 
is not more distinguished than the other. Alike they cross 
the river, and alike they are received on the other shore so far 
as their earthly power and possessions are concerned. They 
take nothing with them except their wealth of soul and power 
of true manhood. And so do pauper and millionaire move 
steadily toward the same resting-place, each leaving his 
earthly possessions — the one his rags, the other his robes and 
palaces, at the door of the grave." 

AN OCCASION OF SORROW. 

In all ages death has been the occasion of sorrow and la- 
mentation. Rachel wept for her children and when Job heard 
of the tragic death of his sons and daughters he "arose, and 
rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the 
ground ; and his three friends made an appointment together 
to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. And when 
they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they 
lifted up their voices and wept ; and they rent every one his 
mantle and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. 
So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and 
seven nights, and none spake a word unto him, for they saw 
that his grief was very great." 

Here we have a striking picture of the ceremonial of 
mourning in the far East three thousand- years ago. We 



244 FUNERALS. 

might add to this, pictures from more recent times illustrat- 
ing the funeral customs and observances of people more 
nearly akin to us in race and modes of thought. We might 
refer to the ceremonials of the Greeks and the Eomans. 
reveal glimpses of the mystic Druid in his practice of strange 
rites to the dead, and interest would not be waiting in a 
sketch of the peculiar modes of mourning which travelers 
have observed among the rude inhabitants of barbarous lands. 
But space forbids and we must confine ourselves to some 
brief hints on the etiquette of the funeral as custom has de- 
termined it in our own country and in our own time. 

AVOID TOO GREAT DISPLAY. 

In England the hired mutes and the heavy trappings of 
woe are still in vogue, but here, happily, these have been en- 
tirely discarded, the tendency being toward a simplicity that 
better accords with the sentiments of real grief than all the 
pomp and ostentation that circumstance ever convinced. To 
surround the funeral ceremonies with great parade is usually 
much more a vain display than an act of respect to the dead ; 
but if ostentation is to be avoided, so are meanness and parsi- 
mony. 

It is as deep an offense against the proprieties of life to 
slight the dead as to slight the living ; and while good taste 
revolts against undue display, it demands that nothing shall 
be done meanly or grudgingly. 



FUNERALS. 245 

FUNERAL DIRECTOR. 

As death is the saddest of all events in each family, its 
occurrence calls for the sympathy of relatives and friends ; 
and these owe duties which must be performed with delicacy 
and tact. The observance of forms which long usage has ap- 
proved will lessen their own difficulties and in some measure 
relieve the natural grief of the bereaved, who must in all cases 
intrust, as far as possible, the details of the funeral to others, 
usually to a relative or near friend, who will proceed to make 
all required arrangements, thus sparing the family from 
many necessarily painful discussions and interviews. Where 
there is no relative or friend to undertake these duties, the 
whole matter of arrangements should be left in the hands of 
the funeral director, with such instructions as may be deemed 
proper, including the limit of expense, regulated by the wealth 
and position of the family. 

ANNOUNCEMENT. 

Announcement of the death may be made in the news- 
papers, with notice of the funeral arrangements. Funeral 
notices may also be printed and and sent around to the rela- 
tives and friends. The mails must not be used, except in 
reaching distant friends, the notices or invitations being deliv- 
ered by special messenger. 

ORDER OF CARRIAGES. 

Should no invitations be issued the notice in the news- 
paper should read "without further invitation." In this case 

no especial order is required for the placing of guests, who 
16 



246 FUNERALS. 

simply follow in the carriages after the members of the fam- 
ily. But where invitations have been formally issued, the 
funeral director should be supplied with a list of the invited 
guests in the order in which they are to be placed in the car- 
riages. 

ORDER AT FUNERALS. 

It should be observed in the house of mourning that 
loud talking is an intolerable rudeness. Gentlemen upon en- 
tering must remove their hats and not replace them until in 
the open air again In the presence of death all enmities 
must be forgotten. Enemies who meet at a funeral are bound 
by etiquette to salute each other with quiet gravity. 

While the dead remains in the house, the members of the 
bereaved family may deny themselves even to their nearest 
friends without offense and no casual visitor or friend must 
intrude upon their grief. It is proper that some relative not 
immediately connected with the family of the deceased should 
receive all callers and do the melancholy honors of the occa- 
sion. 

DO NOT ARRIVE TOO EARLY. 

Guests should not present themselves at a funeral be- 
fore the hour appointed, the family paying their last sad visit 
to the coffin previous to that hour, when all intrusion upon 
them is a breach of propriety. The remains are ordinarily 
exposed in the parlor, the family congregating in another 
room. 



FUNERALS. 247 

VIEWING THE REMAINS. 

When the period approaches for the final view, the 
funeral director will notify the family, who, after paying their 
last respects to the beloved dead, will immediately return to 
the apartment from which they issued and there remain until 
the ceremony has been concluded. 

Where the services are held in a church, the remains are 
placed in front of the chancel. After the religious exercises 
the lid of the coffin is removed and the friends then pass 
slowly and reverently by, from the feet to the head, up one 
aisle and down another. 

ORDER OF DEPARTURE. 

After the services the clergyman leaves the house first, 
entering the carriage which precedes the hearse. Then follow 
the remains, after which comes the family, preceded by the 
funeral director. As they pass to their carriage, which imme- 
diately follows the hearse, guests and spectators must uncover. 
The funeral director assists the mourners into their carriage 
•and then motions for the driver to move up, while the next 
carriage advances to receive its complement of guests, and 
so on till all who intend to follow the remains to the tomb 
have been seated. The cortege then moves, slowly in the 
country and in small towns, rapidly in large cities. 

AT THE GRAVE. 

When arrived at the place of sepulture the clergyman 
walks in advance of the coffin, while the guests assemble 



24% FUNERALS. 

around the grave, those most nearly related to the deceased 
occupying the first places. 

UNCOVERING THE HEAD. 
In proceeding to the cemetery, if the friends go on foot, 
the gentleman may wear their hats, if the weather be cold or 
inclement ; if the day be mild, it is customary to walk uncov- 
ered, with the hat held in the right hand. If the hat be 
worn, it must be removed as the coffin passes from the hearse 
to the church, or from the hearse to the grave, the guests 
forming a double line down which the pall-bearers pass with 

their burden. 

THE USE OF FLOWERS. 

The use of flowers at funerals is sometimes carried to an 
extravagant extent. Families now often, in giving notice of 
a funeral, add the significant phrase, "No flowers." But 
where ostentation is not the intent, nothing can be more 
beautiful or appropriate than a display of flowers, a variety 
of bloom, ranging from roses to pansies and from ivy to 
immortelles, being in favor. A wreath of pure white flowers 
is usually placed on the coffin of an infant or young person. 
Upon the coffin of one who has been married a cross of white 
flowers is appropriate. Around the coffin of a naval or army 
officer it is the custom to drape the national flag and upon it 
the hat, epaulets, sword and sash of the deceased are gener- 
ally placed. 

PALL-BEARERS. 
In selecting pall-bearers the nearest friends of the 
deceased are usually designated. It is a foreign custom of 



FUNERALS. 249 

much beauty and significance to select young children for 
pall-bearers for infants and children, attiring thern in white 
and draping the coffin in white, trimmed with silver fringe 
and cords. When a young person dies the most intimate 
associates of the deceased are usually invited to act in tho 
capacity of pall-bearers. 

GLOVES AND CRAPE. 

When gloves and crape bands are distributed to the gen- 
tlemen guests, they must be handed them as they enter the 
house ; and it is considered a gross violation of etiquette to 
make any selection in such cases. The gloves given must be 
worn whether they fit the hands or not. But it is far better 
to provide yourself in advance with black kid gloves, permit- 
ting the funeral director to supply you with the crape only. 
Ladies in attending funerals must wear only the soberest 
garments. 

VISITS OF CONDOLENCE. 

It is not expected of friends in deep mourning that they 
will pay visits of condolence, and they are excused from 
accepting funeral invitations. But all others are expected to 
respond in such cases. It were a poor compliment to your 
friends whose dinners you have eaten, whose parties and 
balls you have attended and whose gayeties you have shared, 
to refuse to be present when they are in affliction, or to pay 
the last act of respect to the memory of one they love. 
DEATH OF MEMBERS OF A SOCIETY. 

When a member of any society dies, it is proper to notify 
the president thereof at once, who will then arrange with the 



25O FUNERALS. 

master of ceremonies for any special marks of honor or 
observance which may be desired, always with the consent of 
the family. In giving notice of the death of a member of any 
secret organization or fraternal order through the newspapers, 
care should be taken to specify the name of the society and 
the number of the lodge to which he belonged. The regalia 
of the deceased is usually displayed on the coffin-lid, but it is 
removed before the remains are borne from the house. 

ADDITIONAL NOTES. 

When one has died of a contagious disease, invitations 
are not sent out and friends are not expected to attend the 
funeral. 

Guests should not return to the house of mourning after 
the burial. A recent writer says that "in some sections it is cus- 
tomary to conclude the ceremonies of the day with a dinner or 
banquet, but this is grossly out of place and not to be tolerated 
by any one of common sense and refinement. If friends have 
come from a distance, it may sometimes be a matter of 
necessity to extend a brief hospitality to them ; but if the 
guests can avoid this necessity they should do so. This 
hospitality should be of the quietest sort, and in no manner 
become an entertainment. It is the cruelest blow which can 
be given bereaved friends to fill the house with strangers or 
indifferent acquaintances and the sound of feasting at a time 
when they desire of all things to be left alone with their sor- 
row. 



MOURNING. 



2*1 



\- 



MOURNING. 

On the subject of mourning observances a modern writer 
may be quoted : "Those who wish to show themselves strict 
observers of etiquette," he says, "keep their houses in twilight 
seclusion and sombre with mourning for a year or more, 
allowing the piano to remain closed for the same time. But 
in this close observance of the letter of the law its spirit is 
lost entirely. 

"It is not desirable to enshroud ourselves in gloom after 
a bereavement, no matter how great it has been. It is our 
duty to ourselves and to the world to regain our cheerfulness 
as soon as we may, and all that conduces to this we are 
religiously bound to accept, whether it be music, the bright 
light of heaven, cheerful clothing, or the society of friends. 

"At all events, the moment we begin to chafe against the 
requirements of etiquette, grow wearied of the darkened room, 
long for the open piano and look forward impatiently to the 
time when we may lay aside our mourning, from that moment 
we are slaves to a law which was originally made to serve us 
in allowing us to do unquestioned what was supposed to be in 
true harmony with our gloomy feelings. 

"The woman who wears the badge of widowhood for 
exactly two years to a day, and then puts it off suddenly for 
ordinary colors, and who possibly has already contracted an 

253 



254 MOURNING. 

engagement for a second marriage during these two years of 
supposed mourning, confesses to a slavish hypocrisy in mak- 
ing an ostentatious show of a grief which has long since died 
a natural (and shall we say a desirable ?) death. 

"In these respects let us be natural, and let us, more- 
over, remember that, though the death of friends brings us 
real sorrow, yet it is still a time of rejoicing for their sakes." 

PERIOD OF MOURNING. 

A French widow wears mourning during a period of fifty- 
eight weeks. For six months she wears deep mourning, 
the succeeding six months she wears ordinary mourning, 
During the remaining six weeks half-mourning is the rule ; 
then she emerges in the usual colors prescribed by fashion. 

For a father, mother or wife the French go into 
mourning for half a year — three of deep and three of half- 
mourning. For a sister or brother the period is two months, 
half of which is marked by deep mourning. A grandparent's 
death is marked by two and half months of slight mourning. 
Ordinary mourning is worn for three weeks in memory of an 
uncle or aunt, while for a cousin it is worn but for a fort- 
night. 

In this country the rules are not so well-defined ; but 
usually widows wear mourning for two years. In rare cases 
they retain their weeds during life. For parents the period 
of mourning is also two years, relieved somewhat during the 
latter half. For brothers and sisters deep mourning is worn 
for one year and lighter mourning for another year or less. 



MOURNING. 255 

Uncles, aunts and grandparents are remembered by ordinary 
mourning during a period of three or six months. In many 
cases mourning is not worn at all except in memory of the 
nearest and dearest relatives. Parents sometimes wear 
mourning for a period of two years for grown-up sons and 
daughters, but it is not considered in the best taste to 
assume the trappings of woe for young children, 

SECLUSION FROM SOCIETY. 

One in deep mourning does not go into society, nor 
receive or pay visits. The utmost seclusion is demanded. 
Six months after the death of a near relative one may go to 
the theatre, but concerts may be attended at the expiration of 
three months. 

GENTLEMEN IN MOURNING. 

Gentlemen usually confine their signs of mourning to a 
band of crape on the hat. They do not exclude themselves 
from society for any long period, yet it is considered indecent 
for them to show haste in returning to the gay world after a 
serious bereavement. In rare cases the man who has lost 
his wife wears mourning for two years, but usually a much 
shorter period is deemed sufficient. 

CHILDREN IN MOURNING. 
It is neither good taste nor good sense to trick children 
out in the habiliments of grief. It is an injustice to them 
and it savors more of ostentation than of actual sorrow. And 
it is in equally bad taste to put servants into mourning. The 
custom might once have been honored, but it is no longer 
more than an empty form. 



256 MOURNING. 

ADDITIONAL NOTES. 

A superstition may be mentioned in this connection. It 
is, that it portends ill-luck when any guest appears at a wed- 
ding in a black dress. Hence, even those in deep mourning 
on the occasion of a marriage lay it aside for the moment and 
wear white, gray, purple or something else that is brighter 
than the somber insignia of grief. 

Oculists are beginning to forbid the black veil as an 
injury to the eye. It also injures the skin, and by rubbing 
against the forehead and nose it often produces abrasions 
that develop troublesome sores. It is, therefore, falling 
gradually into disuse, except for brief periods of mourning. 

Mourning should be discarded, not bv a sudden change, 
but gradually. 



CALLS AND VISITS. 



257 



CALLS AND VISITS. 

Visiting occupies a very conspicuous place among the 
duties which social intercourse involves, and the etiquette of 
visiting is not to be slighted. In the cities visits of ceremony 
are a much more prominent social feature than in the country 
towns, but even in the latter there are formal morning calls* 
visits of condolence and congratulation, "party calls" and 
the like, that society more or less rigidly requires of its votaries. 

MORNING CALLS. 
The morning call is not a morning call at all, because it 
is paid in the afternoon, between the hours of 3 and 5 — late 
enough to clear the luncheon hour and too early to interfere 
with the dinner. A visit before noon is not tolerated by the 
haut ton, and it is considered a very awkward thing to time a 
call so that the family will be disturbed in either their lun- 
cheon or dinner arrangements. 

RETURNING VISITS. 

It is a social rule that first visits shall be returned, if not 
the next day, at least within three days ; and these visits must 
always be brief, in no case running over half an hour, no matter 
how delightful the conversation may be. 

VISITS OF CEREMONY. 

A visit of ceremony may be returned simply by leaving your 
card at the door, without entering. It is proper, however, to 



260 CALLS AND VISITS. 

inquire after the health of the family. Where the lady upon 
whom you call has daughters or sisters in the house, it is ex- 
pected that a card will be left for each ; and if there be visit- 
ors there, it is better to distinguish the cards intended for 
them by writing their names above your own. A married lady 
who calls upon a married lady leaves her husband's card for 
the husband of her friend. It is not allowable to send cards 
around by a servant except in returning thanks for "kind 
inquiries" and in announcing your departure from or your 
arrival in town. 

Within a week after the event a call should invariably 
be made at a house where you have dined, or have been in- 
vited to dine. Visits of congratulation are to be made in 
person and it is not only required that you shall go in, but 
that you shall be hearty in expressing your good-will and good 
wishes. Those who have received wedding cards are supposed to 
be those with whom the newly-married pair desire to maintain 
friendly relation, and these call first. Guests at a wedding 
feast must also call on the parents who gave it. 

NEVER KEEP VISITOR WAITING. 

A lady should never keep a visitor waiting. If a caller 
has been admitted, in the absence of any instruction to the 
servant that you are "not at home," you are obliged to re- 
ceive the visitor at any sacrifice of personal convenience. 

GENTLEMEN'S MORNING CALLS. 
When gentlemen make morning calls, they carry their 
hats with them into the room and retain them in their hands or 



CALLS AND VISITS 2D I 

place thern on the floor. Overcoats and umbrellas are always 
left in the hall. It is not in good taste to let your dog follow 
you into the drawing-room when you make a morning call. 
He may in obvious ways prove annoying. Nor should a 
mother take young children with her on such visits. 

PAYING RESPECTS TO HOSTESS FIRST. 
When one enters a crowded drawing-room, it is proper 
to go at once to the lady of the house, to whom the visitor 
must pay his respects, after which the guest is seated in the 
chair indicated by the hostess. 

INTRODUCTIONS. 
When introductions are given it is only necessary to 
bow, except in the case of near friends or relations of the hos- 
tess, when you may offer your hand. A gentleman has no 
right to take a lady's hand till it is offered. A lady gives her 
hand to a gentleman, but does not shake his hand in return. 
Young ladies only bow to unmarried men. On the entrance 
of ladies a gentleman is expected to rise, but ladies remain 
seated. A gentleman also rises when any lady takes her 
leave. If he is in his own house, he escorts her to her car- 
riage. 

DEPARTING. 

If you are on the point of departure when other visitors 
are announced, wait till they are seated ; then take leave of 
the hostess, bow politely to the new arrivals, and retire. It 
is not well to resume your seat after having once started to 



17 



262 CALLS AND VISITS. 

go. A visitor may consult his watch only after apologizing 
for the act on the ground of other engagements. 

DUTIES OF HOSTESS. 
A lady receiving morning visits is not required to lay 
aside the work on which she may be engaged, except it be of 
an absorbing character, like music or drawing. Light needle 
work may be continued without impropriety. The hostess 
need not advance to receive visitors, unless as a mark of 
special consideration. It is deemed sufficient if she rise, take 
a step or two forward and shake hands with them, and remain 
standing till they have been seated. She will pay equal at- 
tention to her guests, keeping the conversation as general as 
possible. If one of the visitors is particularly famous it is 
allowable to give him extra consideration, but as a rule all 
must receive equal notice and equal courtesy. When the 
visitors rise to leave, the lady of the house rises also and re- 
mains standing until they have left the room. A servant is 
expected to be ready to show them out. 

HINTS ON DRESS. 
The subject of dress for making or receiving morning 
calls might be dilated upon, but it will be sufficient to suggest 
a lady should be well but not too richly attired on such occa- 
sions. If a lady is calling in a carriage it is of course per- 
missible for her to array herself in a more elegant costume than 
she would wear were she on foot. Gentlemen must always 
dress well. 



CALLS AND VISITS. 263 

VISITS OF FRIENDSHIP. 
But there are visits of a less formal character which de- 
serve attention. These are visits of friendship, more or less 
prolonged, during which the guest becomes a member of the 
family whose hospitality he enjoys. 

IN ENGLAND. 
In England this sort of visiting has probably reached 
the stage of poetical perfection and Trollope and other Brit- 
ish novelists have made us familiar with all its amenities. 
Byron has also given us a picture of guest life in an English 
country house in the following stanzas : 

The gentlemen got up betimes to shoot, 

Or hunt; the young, because they like the sport. 

The first thing boys like, after play and fruit; 
The middle-aged to make the day more short; 

For ennui is a growth of English root, 

Though nameless in our language — we retort 

The fact for words, and let the French translate 
i That awful yawn which sleep cannot abate. 

The elderly walked through a library, 

Or troubled books, or criticised the pictures, 

Or sauntered through the garden piteously, 

And made upon the hot-house several strictures; 

Or rode a nag which trotted not too high, 

Or in the morning papers read their lectures; 

Or on the watch their longing eyes would fix, 

Longing at sixty for the hour of six. 

But none were "gene;" the great hour of union 
Was wrung by dinner's knell! till then all were 

Masters of their own time — ox in communion, 
Or solitary, as they chose to bear 



264 CALLS AND VISITS. 

The hours, which how to pass to few is known. 

Each rose up at his own, and had to spare 
What time he chose for dres3, and broke his fast 
When, where, and how he chose for that repast. 

HOSPITALITY. 

Hospitality on the lavish scale of the English country 
house is rarely possible in the United States, but hospitality 
of the quieter sort is an American characteristic. Every- 
body has a visitor now and again, and every-body as far as 
his means will allow entertains with liberality and fine feel-, 
ing. 

When a friend is invited to pay you a visit, you should 
name a season when you can devote at least a considerable 
portion of your time to his entertainment. When he arrives, 
he should be met at the station, if possible by the host him- 
self. A special room should be reserved for the guest ; and 
to this he should be shown as soon as the first greetings and 
civilities have been exchanged. No one should be allowed to 
enter this room uninvited; and every possible convenience 
and comfort should be provided, even to writing materials 

and stamps. 

DUTIES OF GUEST. 

But the guest should as far as may be adjust himself to 
the order of the household, giving the least possible trouble 
and entering with easy adaptability iato the usual courses of 
the family, observing its religious practices, adopting its hours 
and in all ways avoiding friction or the suggestion of singu- 
larity. Punctuality at meal times is especially enjoined. To 



CALLS AND VISITS. 265 

keep a whole family waiting for one at breakfast is a poor 
way to win their good-will. After breakfast the guest must 
expect to be left pretty much to his own devices until noon, 
when the hostess will be at liberty to give him some atten- 
tion, but meanwhile she must have put him in the way of such 
self-amusement or employment as piano, billiard table or li- 
brary may afford, and the guest must make the best of these 
resources. 

When a lady is visiting she may very properly offer to 
assist her hostess about household duties ; but it is not advis- 
able to insist upon giving your help if the hostess seems dis- 
inclined to accept it. 

A lady visitor may very properly employ herself in mak- 
ing some small ornament, such as a piece of embroidery, a 
sofa-cushion or piano-cover, to be presented to the hostess 
when finished as a memento of the visit. A gentleman vis- 
itor may gracefully compliment his hostess by occasional 
presents of fruit, flowers and confectionery. If there is a 
baby in the family some little gift to it will be mightily ap- 
preciated by the family. 

A visitor must always be ready to ride, drive, walk, go 
to church, theatre or party, as his host and hostess may seem 
to desire ; but they should be careful not to thrust upon a 
guest anything that may be distasteful. In fact, the guest's 
tastes should never be disregarded. 

Letters should not be opened by a visitor in the presence 
of the family or other guests without begging their permission. 
The servants must not be needlessly troubled by a guest, but 



266 CALLS AND VISITS. 

they may be asked to wait upon him as if they were his own. 
He should keep his room in an orderly condition and avoid 
leaving his things lying about to give trouble. 

ENTERTAINING GUEST. 

However, the host and hostess should give up as much 
of their time as they can to the amusement of a guest, yet 
over- attention is a danger to be studiously avoided. It is 
their duty to take the guest to any points of interest in the 
neighborhood and to invite any other friends he may have in 
the place to call on him and take tea or dine, the fact that 
such friends may be unknown to the host and hostess mak- 
ing no difference. 

Outside engagements and visits must not be made with- 
out consulting the host and hostess, whose house you must 
not mistake for a hotel. Neither hostess nor guest may ac- 
cept invitations that do not include both, and if either is in 
mourning, all invitations must be declined by both during the 

visit. 

ADDITIONAL HINTS. 

The following additional hints and suggestions in rela- 
tion to calls will be found useful. 

If some good fortune has come to a friend, whether pro- 
motion in employment or a striking success in business, it is 
permissible to pay him a visit of congratulation, even though 
your last call has not been returned. 

A visitor is not expected to draw near the fire unless in- 
vited to do so by the hostess. The caller must remain in the 



CALLS AND VISITS. 267 

seat to which he has been assigned even at the price of phys- 
ical discomfort. 

When visiting one who is sick you must not offer to go 
to the invalid's room until invited to do so. If you have re- 
ceived calls during an illness of your own, either in person or 
by card, you are required to return them as soon as you have 
sufficiently recovered to go abroad. 

Staring about the room when calling is extremely rude* 
and one must not walk around looking at books or pictures 
or touch the piano while waiting for the hostess. Nor must 
a caller open nor shut a door, raise or lower a window, or in 
any way interfere with the arrangements of the room. 

Visits made to friends in the country may be longer and 
less ceremonious than those in town. 

Always avoid turning your back upon any member of a 
company. 

The hostess must never leave the room while callers are 
in it. 

The presence of a clock in a drawing-room is objected to 
' as a too suggestive hint to callers to note the flight of time. 

Visits of condolence should be made in sober attire and 
frivolous subjects as well as the discussion of the latest ball 
or opera should be avoided. Nor should the recent sorrow be 
discussed except on the mention of the mourner. 

A call must never be prolonged until the next meal time. 
A visitor has no right to enforce an invitation to dinner or to 
tea. 

A gentleman must never prolong a call when he finds 



268 CALLS AND VISITS. 

bis host or hostess dressed to go out, even if urged to do so. 
He should remain only long enough to exchange the ordinary 
civilities of a brief visit and then retire with a promise to re- 
peat the call in the near future. 

It is an inflexible rule that a lady may not call upon a 
gentleman in a social way, except in the case of confined in- 
validism. She may go to see him on business or to get his 
professional advice, but not otherwise. 



CONVERSATION. 



269 



The firste vertue, sone, if thou wilt lere, 
Is to resfcreine, and keepen wel thy tonge. 

— Chaucer, 



270 



CONVERSATION. 

"Syllables govern the world," said the great Selden, and 
the justice of the saying was nowhere made clearer than in 
the mighty career of Napoleon, who was not alone a man of 
action but one of speech. His tongue was scarcely less 
powerful than his sword, for while with the one he was invin- 
cible before his enemies, he was with the other the master of 
his friends. No one can read his impassioned speeches to 
his soldiers in Africa, in Italy, in Germany, in Kussia, 
without catching something of the spirit with which they 
must have been inspired. Such prodigies of valor as 
Frenchmen displayed at Jena and Austerlitz were the fit- 
ting answer in action to the burning words of their beloved 
general. He won them first with his eloquence and then he 
won his battles. And so with Eienzi the Eoman. His 
powers of speech were marvelous, and at the last his ene- 
mies refused to hear him because "his tongue would charm 
away their senses." They dared not listen to him, so irre- 
sistible was his eloquence. Syllables do indeed govern the 
world. Those of the old Greek orators still ring in the 
ears of mankind, still their charm controls the spirits and 
the acts of men ; and still from Socrates and Plato we bor- 
row the thoughts that undergird philosophers and creeds. 

It has been said that the newspaper has destroyed the 

271 



272 CONVERSATION. 

orator, the letter- writer and the conversationalist at once ; 
and there is too much truth in the statement, especially as 
it relates to the latter two. Oratory is still a powerful force, 
but it must be admitted that people will not always go to 
hear a speech which they can read the next morning at their 
breakfast-tables. Thus the practice of oratory is discouraged 
and the man with a gift of speech sits down to acquire the 
art of writing, so that he may command an audience. The 
letter-writer was once an important factor. Genius found 
vent through "Letters to Stella." Leigh Hunt cultivated 
letter- writing as a fine art, and soldiers, statemen, jurists 
and scholars alike courted fame through the medium of cor- 
respondence. But nobody writes letters to-day. If one has 
a thought in his head, he writes an article for the North 
American or the Century or his favorite paper. He does not 
develop it in a friendly epistle that the recipient is expected to 
pass around among a select coterie. Nor is the conversation- 
alist what he once was when the salon was to France what 
the tribune was to Eome and what the Paris newspaper is 
to-day — the molder of public opinion. Yet in spite of the 
revolution which modern journalism has wrought, the art of 
conversation is by no means a lost one and he who can talk 
well is still an object of admiration and an influential factor 
of society. He shines where others only glimmer, and he 
gravitates to the center of every group as naturally as water 
runs down hill. 

But no one can hope to succeed in conversing well with- 
out training. In the old days the wits went to the drawing- 



CONVERSATION. 273 

room or the salon with mature thought. Their sallies were 
planned out beforehand, as the orator plans his speech. They 
saturated themselves with some subject, or with several sub- 
jects which they expected to come up or meant to bring up on 
their own motion ; and thus they were able to carry things 
off with great brilliancy and with an air of spontaneity that 
might very well deceive all but the initiated. Nowadays this 
sort of thing is not so prevalent, principally, it may be ven- 
tured, because there is not a very large leisure class. Most 
men are busy all day. They have precious little time for 
anything but their affairs, and when they go into society at 
the close of business they carry with them scarcely more than 
their general stock of information, and upon this they must 
draw at sight for every demand of conversation, 

AN ENTERTAINING TALKER THE RESULT OF STUDY. 

Hence the importance of a T)road foundation of general 
culture for one who expects to build a reputation as a talker. 
An extensive reading, a close observation of men and man- 
ners, a varied experience, will give even a naturally dull man 
the power to entertain, so that the absence of wit and lively 
fancy will scarcely be noted. But pedantry is always to be 
avoided and modesty must ever be cultivated — where it is not 
an inherent quality — for, as Dr. Addison has said, "a just 
and reasonable modesty sets off every great talent a man may 
be possessed of. It brightens all the virtues which it accom- 
panies ; like the shades in paintings, it raises and rounds 
every figure and makes the colors more beautiful, though not 



274 CONVERSATION. 

so glaring as they would be without it." But in being modest 
you are not to be timid. Self-respect and confidence in one's 
own powers should give one boldness without egotism, assur- 
ance without impertinence, and vigor without rudeness. 
One's own discretion should be one's tutor. 

"But know that nothing can so foolish be 
As empty boldness; therefore first essay 
To stuff thy mind with solid bravery; 
Then march on gallant, yet substantial worth 
Boldness gilds finely, and will set it forth." 

A forward man is usually one and he is always disa- 
greeable. He thrusts himself in where wiser ones would hesi- 
tate to venture and thus excites the disfavor of those he aims 
to charm. "My son," said Parmenio the Grecian, "would 
you be great, you must be less ; that is, you must be less in 
your own eyes if you would be great in the eyes of others." 
And a witty Frenchman observes that "the modest deport- 
ment of really wise men, when contrasted with the assuming 
air of the young and ignorant, may be compared to the dif- 
ferent appearance of wheat, which while its ear is empty 
holds up its head proudly, but as soon as it is filled wifch 
grain, bends modestly down and withdraws from observation." 

A FULL MIND AND CONFIDENCE. 

Yet if forwardness is to be condemned and modesty stu- 
diously practiced, diffidence is to be overcome. The diffident 
man is often full of merit, but he obscures his own light by 
retiring it behind a bashful reserve. Such a man needs to 



CONVERSATION. 275 

arouse his own courage. He needs to face the difficulties in 
his way and to surmount them, acquiring strength and confi- 
dence as he presses forward. He may never be able to talk 
brilliantly, but if he accustoms himself to polite intercourse, 
keeping a full mind for the tongue to draw upon, he may at 
least become both interesting and agreeable in his conver- 
sation. 

But Socrates himself could have talked but indifferently 
had he been surrounded by indifferent listeners. 

"A poet's prosperity lies in the ear 
Of him that hears it, never in the tongue 
Of him. that makes it." 

THE ART OF LISTENING. 

A few conversationalists may have the power to compel 
attention, but the average talker cannot hope to do so. He 
must trust to the politeness of his audience, and therefore 
the art of listening well is not a misprized one. A good list- 
ener is sure to be agreeable to those who do the talking ; and 
one who shows inattention is sure to offend. It is not enough 
merely to sit silent while another relates a story or expresses 
a conviction ; there must be attention in the eye and in the 
face, emphasized by an occasional interjection of surprise, 
assent or encouragement. That one shall be able thus to win 
favor implies an actual following of the speaker's narrative or 
discourse, but it is a very hard thing for one to do. We are 
too prone to think only of what we mean to say ourselves 
when our time comes to give close heed to the arguments of 



276 CONVERSATION. 

another. Hence there arise confusion, misunderstanding^ 
perhaps anger. The speaker who ha3 stated his convictions 
clearly on a given point does not like the next man to proceed 
on the assumption that there has been evasion or that the 
other holds different convictions from those he expressed. 
Such an assumption would show either that the second 
speaker had not been listening or that he doubted the veracity 
of the first one, and the latter in either case would justly feel 
offended. 

Hence, the wisdom of cultivating the habit of close atten- 
tion to others in conversation. It is better, perhaps, that you 
should drop the thread of your own argument, or forget the 
point of your own story, while listening to another, than to 
wound him by inattention. 

PROPER SUBJECTS FOR CONVERSATION. 

But one must have something to talk about before under- 
taking to talk, so the question arises, What are proper sub- 
jects for polite conversation ? Intimate friends may discourse 
as they please on any topic soever that may be agreeable or 
interesting, "from grave to gay, from lively to severe." They 
may talk of politics, religion, the weather, the last ball, the 
newest fashion, the play, the opera, even their own personal 
concerns. But in general company conversation is usually 
less latitudinal. Politics and religion are too liable to occa- 
sion heat to be safely introduced for discussion in a mixed 
company; the weather grows hackneyed, the last ball may 
not be a matter of interest to some, others may have their 
scruples about the stage ; the fashions will scarcely enlist the 




Earnest Conversation. 



CONVERSATION. 2JJ 

attention of the men, and personal affairs certainly cannot be 
brought on parade. 

Where a conversational lion is present, he, of course, 
will set the paces. He will lead the conversation and give it 
the liveliest turns, drawing out the rest with skill, interspers- 
ing anecdote with story and sentiment, and diversifying the 
whole with wit and humor. Slander and gossip in any case 
will be avoided; each will add what he can to the feast of 
reason and flow of soul. And here is where one's reading, 
observation and experience will come to his aid One happy 
comment, a single apt illustration, will often grace a conver- 
sation more than a clever story, and an agreeable represen- 
tation may thus be made. "Small talk," if not spiced with 
scandal, as small talk is too apt to be, is always to be pre- 
ferred in a general company to heavy discourse, in which 
some may not be interested and others will not feel them-" 
selves able to join. Of course hard and fast rules cannot be 
laid down in a matter of this kind. Every gathering will sug- 
gest its own topics, each company will be governed by the 
tastes and the surrounding of its members, but no matter 
who the talkers may be or where they are met, they are 
bound to respect each other's feelings and preserve their own 

dignity. 

AVOID TALKING SHOP. 

Men will ordinarily avoid talking "shop." That is to 
say, the lawyer will not bring a brief, the clergyman will not 
fetch a sermon, or the doctor a lecture to inflict on the rest. 

Yet each may make hu special knowledge useful without 

13 



278 CONVERSATION. 

bringing it on parade. It is a compliment to them to draw 
them out, but it is none to force them to deliver a lecture on 
law, theology and medicine, respectively. It would be quite 
proper to ask the physician what he thought of Dr. Koch's 
discovery, but he should not be expected to detail his views 
of bacteriology. The preacher might be asked his opinion of 
Andover Case, but to press him upon disputed doctrinal 
points might be embarrassing. And so the lawyer may be 
asked his view of a proposed piece of legislation, or of a 
pending suit of national or general interest, but to drag him 
into a discourse on constitutional law or civil practice would 
be unkind to him and inconsiderate, perhaps, of other mem- 
bers of the company— the banker, the merchant, the teacher, 
the architect and the writer, who may themselves want to be 

heard. 

CAREFULLY AVOID YOUR "HOBBY." 

The man with a hobby ought to look after himself very 
closely, else in conversation he will become a bore. So with 
those people — particularly ladies — who have "a mission.' 
Mrs. Jellaby had "a mission," but that did not prevent her 
from being disagreeable. It is a good thing for one to have a 
purpose in life, to believe in something, and to believe in it, 
too, with all one's might ; but nevertheless one cannot expect 
one's friends or casual acquaintance to feel one's own enthu- 
siasm and undivided interest in that thing, whatever it may 
be. Hence, it is wise to keep one's hobby in the background ; 
and it is wholesome for one who is wedded to one idea to hear 
what those who entertain other ideas may have to say. 



CONVERSATION. 279 

WIT THAT WOUNDS. 
Kidicule is a powerful weapon in skillful hands ; a dan- 
gerous one in those unskilled ; but always a weapon that is 
out of place in a drawing-room or parlor, where it is net easy 
to guess who will be hurt if it is flourished. It were better to 
appear dull than to gain notice by the display of wit that 
wounds and leaves a scar. And it is always in bad taste to 
jest on sacred or solemn subjects ; it is positively inexcusable 
to make a member of the company the victim of a joke, even 
if it be an innocent one. He will probably not enjoy being 
laughed at and jeered at better than you would yourself, and 
you know how well you like to be laughed at ! 

DO NOT INTERRUPT A SPEAKER. 

Avoid any interruption of one who is speaking as you 
would have others avoid an interruption of yourself. In 
other words, apply the Golden Eule, which, if it have no 
place in politics, is not to be dispensed with in polite society, 
where the rights of others must be always your first and most 
important consideration. 

MANNER OF SPEAKING. 
The successful talker, like the successful orator, will 
speak neither too rapidly nor too slowly. A full, rich, musi- 
cal tone should characterize the manner of speaking, avoid, 
ing all affectations, either of pronunciation or style, To 
clip your words of their due proportions or to mouth them 
like a third-rate actor is equally objectionable; and to 
"spout" is abominable. 



280 CONVERSATION. 

THINKING TWICE. 

Think twice before you speak. A careless word, an ill- 
considered statement, may react upon ycu like a boomerang, 
even if it do not injure the feelings or mis'ead the judgment 
of others. You cannot be too scrupulous in this respect ; and 
the habit of a rapid survey and quick calculation of relations, 
effects and contingencies should be cultivated. 

Dogmatism may be quite in place in the schools, but it is 
decidedly out of place in the drawing-room. Hence, even 
your convictions should be asserted with modesty and with a 
due regard for the opinions of others. 

KEEP YOUR TEMPER. 

An even temper is a powerful advanl age in an argument ; 
therefore, do not suffer yourself to become heated in discus- 
sion. If you lose your temper you will almost certainly lose 
your case ; and besides that, you will lose the good opinion of 
the company while adding to the triumph of your opponent. 

Do not too often "speak your mind," by which injunc- 
tion we do not mean to discourage you inveracity, but merely 
to warn you against a not uncommon fault, that of detraction. 
When one "speaks his mind" about another he is too apt to 
vent his spleen ; and that is something he should do in the 
privacy of his own chamber, if at all. 

DO NOT COMMENT ON INFIRMITIES OF OTHERS. 

The infirmities of others must be sacred from reflection 
or remark. To comment on the eccentricity or the peculiar 
weakness of any member of the company is not only an insult 



CONVERSATION, 28 1 

to him, but an outrage on good manners which every one will 
be justified in resenting. But if bj inadvertence or carelessness 
you should inflict a wound, make instant apology, and show 
afterward that you sincerely regret the injury you have done. 

THE ABJECT MAN. 

The abject man is hardly less disagreeable than the over- 
bearing man, and he is certainly not so much entitled to re- 
spect, for the craven of all men is most despicable. Hence, to 
cringe before one who may be your superior in position, intel- 
lect or attainments is to invite contempt, as the display of 
arrogance to an inferior is to provoke resentment ; and both 
are equally to be avoided. 

MODERATION IN YOUR EXPRESSIONS. 

Eeserve your powers. To expend them to the utmost is 
to expose yourself to many unpleasant risks. 

Self-praise, according to the old saw, is half scandal. 
Therefore leave your friends to praise you, while you praise 
them for any deserving. But let not praise degenerate into 
flattery, which is the food of fools. Defoe said that when 
flatterers meet the devil goes to dinner ; and Shakespeare 
calls flattery the bellows that blows up sin. It is certainly an 
unpleasing vice and he who indulges in it is not worthy of 
honest men's regard. 

Lord Bacon said that no pleasure is comparable to the 
standing upon the vantage ground of truth. But it is some- 
times wise to pause short of telling all the truth, though not 
one word you utter should be false. Yet if telling half the 



282 CONVERSATION. 

truth should convey the impression of a whole lie, either tell 
no part of it or else all of it. 

When another is telling a story it is impertinent to cor- 
rect him in details or to interrupt him in any way. Let him 
tell it in his own way even if that way is a very poor one in 
comparison with yours. 

Do not seek differences in a company in which you hap- 
pen to be. Bather look for points of agreement and avoid 
contention. 

It sometimes happens that one is thrown into company 
which, socially, may be considered above him. He should 
in such case preserve a modest and dignified reserve. If 
drawn into the conversation on equal terms, he should not 
take it as an act of condescension. Should an individual 
slight him, let him quietly drop a conversation with the indi- 
vidual. If the company slight him, let him withdraw. 

ADDITIONAL HINTS. 

Don't indulge in unkindly witticisms. They leave bitter- 
ness behind. 

Don't parade your learning, lest you be set down as a 
pedantic fool. 

Don't undertake to reprove unless compelled to, and then 
do it with gentleness, avoiding needless offense. 

Don't talk of things that the company do not incline to 
hear about. You may compel them to listen, but you can't 
keep them from thinking less of you. 



CONVERSATION. 283 

Don't trumpet forth your own fame. Leave others to 
discover your merits and magnify your name. 

Don't be tedious. Speak what you have to say tersely, 
with vivacity and directness. Sluggishness in conversation is 
intolerable. 

Don't despise the man who knows less than yourself. 
His range of knowledge, humble as it may be and narrow, 
may possibly include a few things that you would do well to 
learn from him. 

Don't offer gratuitous advice. You may be wise in your 
own conceit, but officiousness may meet with just resentment. 
If your advice be sought, give it with caution, after mature 
deliberation and under reservation. It is so r easy for one to 
advise a false step where all the ground is not thoroughly 
known. 

Don't assume the role of prophet, for it is the unexpected 
which happens. The ignorant foretell all events, but the 
wise are content to await in patience what the future may 
luring forth. 

Don't talk too much ; still waters deepest run. And on 
the other hand don't be a clam. The man who says nothing 
at all has only one-ten th as much to repent of, perhaps, as 
the man who says a great deal more than he should, yet he is 
not without reproach if he fail to add his quota to the sum 
of pleasant conversation. 

Don't hold forth like an oracle. You may be one, it is 
true, but people nowadays have some difficulty in overcom- 
ing their skepticism on the subject of oracles. Always 



284 CONVERSATION. 

remember that wisdom will not die with you and cultivate a 
becoming sense of your own littleness as compared with this 
great populous world. 

Don't assume the task of criticism. It is a thankless 
one, and if you unwisely undertake it you will find that the 
weak will fear and hate you, while the strong show resistance 
and contempt. 

Don't accentuate your oddities, but seek to soften them 
down. Some men mistake eccentricity for individuality; but 
if they delude themselves they must not expect to delude 
others. 

Don't hesitate to admit that you are in the wrong if you 
have found yourself so. Obstinacy in argument is not a 
merit nor is shiftiness a thing of which to be proud. 

Don't enter an argument unless you mean to follow it 
out till you reach the truth. To dodge and equivocate and 
confuse the issue may be smart, but it is not manly or hon- 
orable. 

Don't provoke any man if you can help it. Bear with 
the weaknesses and foibles of your neighbor, and if he seek 
to provoke you, don't suffer him to succeed. Keep calm and 
cool and know that thus you have an advantage. 

Don't forget that the ladies are not over-fond of discus- 
sion. They usually prefer sentiment to logic and compli- 
ments to argumentation. So when they are present do not 
let the conversation take on a tone that will be unpleasant tc 
theii sarp 



LETTERS. 



285 



LETTERS. 

The "ready letter writer," with all its stilted forms and 
ceremonious absurdities, has happily gone out of whatever 
fashion it once enjoyed ; and men and women now write as 
they talk — with naturalness, individuality and a sensible 
adaptation of style and form to the subject and the occasion. 
Certainly nothing could be more absurd than some of the 
high-flown epistles which have been handed down as models 
for young men and maidens since Lord Chesterfield's day, 
their fine words, rounded sentences and ponderous sentiment 
striking the modern ear with a delicious sense of the ridicu- 
lous and an equally delicious sense of the far-fetched and the 

archaic. 

THE MODERN STYLE. 

The modern style of letter- writing gams in force what it 
loses in circumlocution and ceremony. It is characterized 
by directness and brevity. Phrase is not piled on phrase. 
Words of learned length and thundering sound, so dear to the 
epistolary writer of the last century, are no longer in favor, 
plain, vigorous, Anglo-Saxon, free from affectation and ab- 
surdity, making a happy contrast between the new and the 
old. And thus has come an improvement in correspondence 
that accords with improvements in other directions. We 
write what we mean, using the simplest words and the fewest 
sentences for conveying the ideas we wish conveyed. Nor 

287 



288 LETTERS* 

are we careless in our spelling, our punctuation or our 
grammar. In these particulars our ceremonious ancestors 
were by no means over-nice. They abbreviated shockingly ; 
they spelled with the greatest freedom ; their punctuation was 
indifferent; in grammar they were rather weak, to say the 
least, and some of them scrawled worse than a modern 
school-boy. 

To-day we give attention as well to the mechanical as to 
the intellectual composition of our letters. We insist upon 
proper spelling, proper punctuation grammatical correctness 
and clear chirography. It is to lawyers only that an illegible 
hand-writing is allowed— and even to the victims of these has 
come relief through the type-writer, which is as merciless to 
the graphic faults of the author of a letter as it is merciful to 
one who is expected to read it. A bad penmanship often ob- 
scures other grievous faults ; and it may sometimes be sus- 
pected that one who affects a wretched hand does so the bet- 
ter to conceal his ignorance of the Queen's English. 

PENMANSHIP. 

But be this as it may, the fact remains that one of the 
essentials of letter writing is a fair penmanship. The clerkly 
hand is not one to be cultivated for ordinary correspondence, 
since it is too suggestive of boxes and bales, or dry as dust 
parchments and papers. Nor is the stiff, formal hand, like 
that of a school master, one that you should suffer yourself to 
acquire. Kather let individuality in style and freedom in the 
movements of your pen characterize your chirography, yet 



LETTERS. 289 

always aiming at legibility and graceful form. Flourishes, 
heavy shadings, back slopings, and all that sort of thing, 
should be left to writing masters and to vain young men who 
choose to exhibit their talents in that peculiar way. 

STATIONERY. 

It has been elsewhere mentioned that ruled paper is al- 
lowable only in business correspondence. But perhaps for 
those whose lines have an up-hill or down-hill tendency, it 
were better to write even small notes on ruled sheets than to 
invite criticism by the other fault. 

For notes, invitations and ordinary correspondence, 
plain paper is always preferable to the fancy styles that come 
and go in fashion. A good quality should always be chosen, 
either white or some delicate tint, say of cream, azure or 
pink. Odd shapes, colors and textures of course may be used 
when such becomes the rage ; but while there is always some 
danger of offending against good taste by using fancy figure 
paper, there is never any risk in the employment of 
the plain white article, if thick and of choice quality. Enve- 
lopes should match the paper in all cases, in size, color and 
quality. Long letters of a friendly nature may properly be 
written on the French water lined papers ; but these are too 
light for formal notes and the like. Monograms on paper 
and envelopes were once quite popular, but are no longer so, 
though still fancied by some. Ladies sometimes have fac- 
simile copies of their initials placed diagonally across the left 
hand corner of their paper; the envelopes however being 



2 90 LETTERS. 

plain. One's address in raised blue letters at the top of the 
sheet is in good taste. The address and date should always 
be placed either at the beginning or the end of a letter. In 
notes, the date and address usually appear at the end. In 
dating a letter, the day of the month and the year are given, 
thus, "February 14, 18 — " It is sufficient on a note to give 
the day of the week. 

FOLDING, SEALING AND STAMPING LETTERS. 

Some people have very slovenly habits in the folding, ad- 
dressing and the stamping of their letters. In all cases the 
sheet should be neatly folded and so placed in the envelope 
that, when removed by the recipient, it will open out right 
side up — that is, so it may be read without turning. The 
stamp must always be placed evenly at the upper right-hand 
corner of the envelope. To put it anywhere else is not al- 
lowable, and to turn it upside down, sidewise, or diagonally 
shows carelessness and want of taste. Stamped envelopes 
are allowable only for business communications. The old 
fashion of sealing letters with wax is again in favor, but it 
should be adopted only by those who have learned how to 
make a clean, even, clearly marked seal. A slovenly seal is 

intolerable. 

A QUESTIONABLE IMPROVEMENT. 

The new style of writing on the first and fourth sides of 
a sheet, then opening it out and writing across the second 
and third sides continuously, is a very doubtful one and 
rather to be avoided than copied. The old natural way of 



LETTERS. 291 

writing on the pages of the sheet in their order is certainly 
more sensible. 

USE BLACK INK. 

Purple ink was in great favor some years ago but is 

no longer so. Plain black is now preferred by persons of 

taste, and, like good white paper, it is really always in 

fashion. Of course none but country lads and lasses evei 

use red or blue inks. 

WRITING NOTES. 

In writing notes careful discrimination should be exer- 
cised both as to matter and manner. A familiar note 
should be answered in like tone; the ceremonious note 
should be acknowledged ceremoniously. As suggested else- 
where the confusion of the first and third persons is a great 
and common error. It should be studiously avoided. 

HOW TO BEGIN A LETTER. 

How shall a letter be begun? Shall we begin with "My 
Dear Mr. Jones," or simply "Dear Mr. Jones?" Is the first 
or the last form the more familiar ? As ordinary custom in 
this country has sanctioned the former as the usual way of 
beginning a letter, it is argued that where the "my" is 
dropped, the "Dear Mr. Jones" becomes more familiar than 
the other form. But "Dear Sir," or "Dear Madam," fol- 
lowing the name of the person addressed, .may be substi- 
tuted. An unmarried lady is not permitted, according to an 
English authority, to address a gentlemen as "My Dear 
Sir." She may do no more than write "Dear Sir." To 
write "Dear Miss" is very awkward. It were better to 



292 LETTERS. 

write it "Dear Miss Brown" or "My Dear Miss Green." 
In writing formally to a clergyman the letter should be 
begun thus: "Beverend and Dear Sir." Among intimate 
friends forms of address are used to suit themselves. 

THb CLOSING OF A LETTER. 

Letters of a formal character should be closed with some 
formal expression, as "Your obedient servant." "Yours 
truly," "Yours very truly," and "Yours respectfully," are 
reserved for business letters. "Cordially yours," "Faithfully 
yours," "Affectionately yours," are familiar forms for use in 
friendly correspondence, but ingenious people will frame a 
new set of words for every occasion, fitting them, as Wil- 
kins Micawber was wont to do, to the state of his mind or 
to the object of his letter. 

NEATNESS. 

Great care should be taken to avoid blotting and blur- 
ring. It is neither a compliment to your correspondent nor 
to yourself to send a letter or note marred by splotches 
and blurr of ink. It is also inexcusable to cross your lines, 
as if stingy of paper as well as indifferent to the eyes of 
the one to whom you write. The whole sheet may be filled, 
if desired, but criss-crossing must never be indulged. 

UNDERSCORING. 

Underscoring is often carried to an absurd excess, espec- 
ially by very young ladies, who italicize every other word and 
thus rob their emphasis of all real significance. No word 
" hould be underscored unless its importance is very great. 




A Scrap of a Letter. 



LETTERS. 293 

MOURNING PAPERS. 
Real grief is always unostentatious, hence mourning 
papers with exaggerated borders of black are in extreme bad 

taste. 

ENCLOSING STAMPS. 

Stamps should be enclosed to pay the return postage on 
manuscript sent to a publisher. You should also enclose a 
stamp when writing on a business matter that concerned your- 
self alone. Never enclose postage when writing to a friend. 
Be sure that you put on stamps enough to fully prepay the 
postage on your letters. 

NEVER DISPLAY ILL-TEMPER IN A LETTER, 
It is never wise to make a display of ill-temper, and it is 
especially unwise to make sucha display in a letter, which may 
be preserved and rise up to plague you. If you feel that you 
must give vent to your passion, do so ; but lay your letter 
aside till next day, when, your temper having cooled, you will 
probably be ashamed of yourself and throw what you had 
written in the fire. In other words, be civil in your corre- 
spondence as in your direct personal intercourse. High 
words will not add strength to a weak cause, but they will 
often weaken a strong cause and detract from the dignity of 
the man or woman who employs them. 

EVERY LETTER SHOULD BE ANSWERED. 

It is laid down as a rule that every letter should be 
answered, no matter who the writer may be. If the letter be 
impertinent, acknowledge its receipt just the same; you can 
19 



294 LETTERS. 

check further impertinence by the tone of your answer, which, 
however pointed, must be polite. 

NEVER USE SCRAPS OF PAPER, 

Writing on scraps of paper is not to be encouraged. If 
your correspondence is worti> anything it is certainly worth a 
full sheet of good paper. 

ADDITIONAL HINTS. 

Avoid the first person singular as much as possible, and 
\n writing letters, on business especially, be brief. Go right 
to the heart of the subject without circumlocution, and do not 
bring in any extraneous matter. In writing to friends spare 
them the details of your trials and tribulations. They proba- 
oly have enough of their own without being troubled with yout 
personal affairs. A letter, like a visit, should be bright and 
cheerful; and a correspondent has no more right to be disa- 
greeable than a guest. 

Never send an anonymous letter. Nothing is mor^ 
cowardly and abominable, and one who is known to resort to 
such a means of effecting his ends is very properly detested 
oy all right-minded people. 



4 



INVITATIONS. 

The etiquette of invitations is fall of nice details that 
society insists that its votaries shall closely observe and 
strictly follow. An invitation must not only be properly 
worded, addressed and sent-it must be properly acknowledged ; 
and any slip from the accepted form on either side is held as 
a sort of social misdemeanor worthy of severe reprehension. 
It is the purpose of this chapter to present the usages in this 
connection so plainly that the wayfaring man though a fool 
need not err therein. 

IN WHOSE NAME TO ISSUE INVITATIONS. 

All invitations, save those to a dinner, are issued in the 
name of the lady of the house. Dinner invitations are issued 
in the names of both the host and hostess, except where the 
dinner is to gentlemen only, when the invitation is in the 
ti'ame of the host alone. 

ANSWERING INVITATIONS. 

Answers to such invitations must be immediately re- 
turned and they must be either accepted or declined unequivo- 
cally. You must not condition an acceptance on your presenco 
in town, or your recovery from an illness, or the conclusion of 
a business engagement. If you have the slightest doubt of 
your ability to be present on the occasion, your declination 
must be peremptory. To leave the success of an entertain- 

297 



298 INVITATIONS. 

ment depending on contingencies beyond the Jmowledge or 
control of the host and hostess is inexcusable. Your answer 
should invariably be addressed to the person or persons issu^ 
ing the invitation. If the invitation comes from Mr. and, 
Mrs. Brown, your answer must be addressed to Mr. and Mrs 
Brown. If it is in the name of Mr. Brown alone or MrB 
Brown alone, then you address your answer accordingly. 

KEEPING THE ENGAGEMENT. 
An invitation once accepted you are under obligation to 
fulfill the engagement and must do so even at a sacrifice, 
But if illness should befall, or any other sufficient cause inter- 
fere with your attendance, you are bound to send a note 
immediately to the hostess apprizing her of the fact, so that 
your place may be filled. For balls and large parties, how- 
ever, this is not necessary. 

WHEN FATHER ENTERTAINS FOR DAUGHTER, ETC. 

Where a father entertains for his daughters, as in the 
case of a widower, his name alone appears in a wedding invi- 
tation. But where his eldest daughter presides over the 
household, invitations to dinners, receptions, etc., are given in 
both his name and hers. A young lady who is not too young 
may issue cards to a tea in her own name, if she be at the 
head of her father's household. Very young ladies are never 
expected to issue invitations to gentlemen in their own names. 

INVITATIONS TO "AT HOMES." 
"Balls" are not supposed to be held in private houses. 
They are always considered public affairs, and so a lady 



INVITATIONS. 299 

never invites her friends to a "bail" at her own house. Her 
invitation will merely announce her "At Home," with "cotil- 
lion" or "dancing" in one corner, the date and hour, of course, 
being given. "Where the affairs are to be small and informal 
the word "Informal" should appear in one corner. Gentle- 
men are never "At Home." When they issue invitations 
they "request the pleasure" or "the honor of your company." 
Committees also "request the pleasure of your company." 

FORMS OF INVITATIONS. 

The styles in stationery for invitations, etc., are con- 
stantly changing, but severe plainness and simplicity are 
always in good taste. Engraved cards and note paper are 
now quite popular, both by reason of their elegance and their 
convenience. Dinner invitations, however, except in large 
and ceremonious affairs, are often written, and the first per- 
son may be used. Ordinarily the third person is insisted 
upon in formal invitations and much care should be taken 
not to mix the persons, as is done \Uiere "Mrs. John Smith 
requests the pleasure of your company." The proper form is : 
"Mrs. John Smith requests the pleasure of the company of 
Mr. and Mrs. Thomas Brown;" but in the case of engraved 
invitations the mixing of the persons is justified on the ground 
of convenience, since it saves the printing in of names. Cor- 
rect forms of all kinds of invitations, acceptances and regrets 
will be found elsewhere. 



300 INVITATIONS. 

INVITATIONS TWO WEEKS IN ADVANCE. 
Invitations to formal affairs should be sent out two weeks 
in advance. Less ceremonious dinners, parties, etc., are sig- 
nified by the shorter notice ; yet the rule is not infallible. 
The exact character of the affair should be clearly designated 
in the invitation, so that the recipients may be in no sort of 
doubt as to whether it is to be ceremonious or informal, a 
dance or a dinner. 

WHEN INVITATION MUST INCLUDE HUSBAND AND WIFE. 

Husband and wife must always be included in invitations 
to affairs in which both sexes are to participate. To invite 
only one of a married pair would be to insult both, even 
where it is known that one or the other never goes into society. 
But as all rules, even social, have their exceptions, so is this 
one, which is waived sometimes among intimate friends, 
especially on informal occasions, or where a vacant seat at 
dinner is to be filled on sudden notice. 

HOW TO SEND INVITATIONS. 
In this country the sending of invitations by mail has 
been rather severely discountenanced and ultra-fashionable 
society has never quite reconciled itself to a means of com- 
munication so democratic, preferring special messengers, how- 
ever untrustworthy, for the service. In England, on the 
contrary, the public post is considered quite good enough for 
the aristocrats who send and acknowledge invitations; and 
even in this country the custom of using the mails for this 
purpose is said to be growing in favor. 



INVITATIONS. 3OI 

STATIONERY. 

Unruled paper is prescribed for all communications other 
than those of a business character. Hence, invitations, 
acceptances, regrets and the like are always written on plain 
sheets, usually note size, either white or toned, according to 
the fashion. Plain envelopes are also used. The fashion in 
these things is always ascertainable at a first-class stationer's. 

REPLYING TO INVITATIONS. 

In accepting an invitation mention the date and hour, so 
any mistake on that score may be avoided. If you cannot 
accept, you should give your reason why in plain terms, as "a 
previous engagement," "absence from the city," "illness in 
the family," etc. Simply to decline without explanation 
would leave large room for unpleasant speculation. 

It is not allowable to "decline" an invitation. You 
"regret that a previous engagement prevents you from accept- 
ing" — which is the more courteous form. The choice of 
words in such cases is a very nice one and great care should 
fee exercised lest you employ a form or a phrase that may 
strike unpleasantly. Abbreviations are not permitted in 
acceptances or regrets, and in general form they should cor- 
respond with the invitation. 

No answer is necessary when a lady sends her visiting 
card with "At Home" and the day and hour written upon it. 
In acknowledging such an invitation, you send your card, but 
you are not to write "regrets" or anything else upon it, as 
that would be considered impolite. 



302 INVITATIONS. 

INVITATIONS TO PERSONS IN MOURNING, 
Persons in mourning may be invited as a matter of com- 
pliment, although it is known that they cannot accept. 
Their answers to an invitation simply express regrets and 
nothing more. On the day of the event they mail their visit- 
ing cards black-bordered, enclosed in two envelopes, the cards 
thus serving instead of a personal visit and explaining the 
declination. The same number of cards should be sent as if 
one were calling in person ; the lady would send one card, and 
her husband two — one for the host and the other for the host- 
ess. 

INVITATION TO MEMBERS OF A LARGE FAMILY. 

Where invitations are sent to families containing several 
members, the approved method is to send one to the husband 
and wife, another to the daughters, addressed to the Misses 
Fogg, and a third to the sons, addressed to the Messrs. Fogg. 
It is not considered good form to send an invitation to "Dr. 
Squills and family," and it is equally bad form to send a 
separate invitation to each member of a large household. 

ADDITIONAL NOTES. 

Caution and good judgment should be exercised in ask- 
ing for invitations to a ball for friends. It is frequently the 
case that a hostess has a larger list than she can fill, so that 
it but adds to her embarrassment if you request her to include 
others on your account. An invitation may be requested for 
a distinguished stranger or for a dancing man, if unexcep- 
tionable ; but rarely for a married pair and almost never for 



INVITATIONS. 3O3 

a couple living in the same city, unless they be recent 
arrivals. 

Invitations must always be directed to the private resi- 
dence and not to the place of business of the person favored. 

Verbal invitations are given only where the occasion is 
very informal, and such invitations imply plain dress- early 
hours and a small company. 



DRESS 



*05 



From little matters let us pass to less, 
And lightly touch the mysteries of dress ; 
The outward forms the inner man reveal, 
We guess the pulp before we eat the peel. 
One single precept might the whole condense — 
Be sure your tailor is a man of sense ; 
But add a little care, or decent pride, 
And always err upon the sober side. 

— 0. W. Holmes. 



DRESS. 

The question of dress is one that engages a large share 
of feminine attention, and even the opposite sex is not indif- 
ferent to good clothes. Men and women alike find an inter- 
est in appearing well ; and few of either sex wholly neglect 
those details of the toilet so essential to good taste and per- 
sonal attractiveness. The outward garb is usually indicative 
of the inward personality of the wearer ; * and our first impres- 
sions of those we casually meet are more often formed on the 
fit of their clothes and their manner of wearing them than 
upon anything they do or say. Indeed, very little beyond the 
dress is remarked or remembered after a passing encounter 
with strangers. 

With ladies, however, dress and the toilet in general are 
of first importance. We hold them to stricter account in 
these particulars (as in others) than we do men; and women 
naturally devote more of thought, ingenuity and time to per- 
sonal attire and adornment than those of the sterner sex whose 
business absorbs an increasing proportion of their lives and 
energies. 

THE BATH. 

Cleanliness, being next to godliness, is, of course, a prime 
requisite. Fastidiousness in this regard is hardly to be car- 
ried too far, yet it is quite possible to be over-nice and there- 
fore disagreeable. The hands, the face, the neck, the arms 

30? 



LJU-s^jLji^jjii m , 



308 DRESS. 

and, in fact, the whole person must be kept scrupulously 
clean ; but it must not be forgotten that the bath hath its 
dangers as well as its benefits. To bathe too often may be 
even worse than not to bathe at all, vitality often being 
sapped by over-indulgence in the lavatory. Very robust peo- 
ple may perhaps safely bathe twice a day in summer and 
once a day in winter. One of a weakly constitution should 
not venture to bathe oftener than once or twice a week. 
Only those of the hardiest constitutions -should take cold 
shower baths. For ordinary people the sponge bath is the 
safest as well as the most convenient, tepid water being better 
than hot or cold, as it cleanses and invigorates at the same 
time. One should not remain in the bath longer thant hree 
or four minutes and, if the water be cold, the head should 
be wet on top before entering. 

THE TEETH. 

The teeth need much care, but they should not be 
cleansed with a stiff brush. In order to preserve the teeth 
very hot and very sweet things must be avoided ; and after 
eating the mouth should be rinsed out thoroughly. 

THE HANDS. 

The finger-nails require nice attention. They must be 
kept clean and neatly trimmed, nothing looking worse than 
long nails, especially if dirty. A liberal use of the nail brush 
is advised, but all will be in vain if gloves are not worn out- 
doors and as much indoors as possible. 




Among the Flowers. 



DRESS. 309 

THE HAIR. 

A clean hair-brush is very necessary in the care of 
one's hair. Hence that instrument of the toilet should fre- 
quently be washed in hot water and soda. The hair needs 
careful brushing both night and morning; and occasionally 
it should be cleansed with the yolk of an egg beaten, or 
with a mixture of lime juice and glycerine. Hair tonics and 
quack washes and the like, as well as dyes, must be let 
severely alone. Pomades and oils should also be avoided, 
except in rare instances. 

Dyed hair, or hair changed in any way from its natural 
color, is in the worst taste possible. Color so obtained can- 
not be otherwise than inharmonious with the skin, the eyes 
and the eye-brows ; and it is not unnaturally regarded with 
supreme disfavor by people of genuine breeding. 

THE COMPLEXION. 

A good complexion cannot be had by artificial means. 
Paints, powders and lotions are all in vain; they merely 
destroy what little nature may have done for those who use 
them. A regular diet, with plenty of exercise, and ordinary 
care in other respects, are the prime requisites for a fine com- 
plexion. Early hours are also of great importance, the all- 
night dance being destructive of health and therefore of that 
fairness and tone of the skin so essential to beauty. Nor 
should the face be washed when overheated. First wipe 
away the perspiration carefully and afterward lave the face in 
soft warm water, drying with a towel not too harsh 
20 



3IO DRESS. 

THE ATTIRE. 
So much for the care of the person. And now as to its 
proper adornment, of which so much might be said had we 
the space at command. We fc dwelt first upon the care of 
the person, because really that is of the first importance. 
For no matter how rich a lady's attire may be, if her fingers 
show neglect, if her hair be untidy, if there is a suggestion in 
her appearance of the need of soap and water, all her finery 
goes for nothing. And even the coarsest is presentable if 
worn by one who is perfectly clean and tidy. 

AVOID EXTREMES. 

Fashions in dress change with the times ; but through them 

all there runs a>common sense which endures. Extremes are 

always in execrable taste and must be avoided. Harmony of 

color as well as of design must be studied and exaggerations 

of style, either in simplicity or the reverse, are never to be 

affected. Originality in dress is certainly desirable, but it 

must stop short of peculiarity. Women no longer young 

need to be careful in choosing colors. The quieter these are 

the less likely they will be to attract unfavorable notice to the 

wearers. Ladies not rich may always appear to advantage 

if good taste is exercised. Tawdy stuffs are intolerable, but 

even common fabrics may be made up so skillfully as to look 

attractive. 

SELECTING MATERIALS. 

A recent authority on dress gives this wholesome advice : 
"One should be careful to select materials and styles of 
dress that are suited to one's age, figure, height and complex- 



DRESS. 31 I 

ion. A great many women consider only the beauty or 
ugliness of a garment in itself, and quite forget that the 
same costume will make one woman look like a scare-crow 
and another like a goddess. They see in the street, perhaps, 
some "love of a bonnet" worn by a charming young girl with 
fresh bright complexion, and are filled with a desire and 
determination to have one just exactly like it, never stopping 
to think whether it will be equally suitable to a person of a 
totally different coloring, age and figure." 

AVOID TRYING CONTRASTS IN COLORS. 

Women are also lacking in discretion in another import- 
ant particular. They frequently make the most trying con- 
trasts in the quality of separate garments, wearing a showy 
hat with a plain dress, or a rich cloak over a gown not only 
old but cheap. This is something particularly to be avoided. 
Such sharp contrasts are actually painful. It is equally 
painful to have sharp contrasts in color. There ought to be 
a ; certain harmony in every detail of a costume. Failing 
that it fails in that aesthetic quality which is, after all, the 

most important. 

NEATNESS AND ELEGANCE. 

"Neatness and simple elegance," says one writer on 
dress, "should always characterize a lady, and after that she 
may be as expensive as she pleases, if only at the right time. 
And we may say that here simplicity and plainness character- 
ize many a rich woman in a high place ; and one can always 
tell a real lady from an imitation one by her style of dress. 
Vulgarity is readily seen even under a costly garment. 



312 DRESS. 

There should be harmony and fitness, and suitability as to 
age and times and seasons. Every one can afford vulgarity 
and slovenliness ; and in these days, when the fashions travel 
by telegraph, one can be a la mode." 

THE LOW-NECKED DRESS. 

The low-necked dress is a fatal lure to many a woman 
who ought to know better than to display her physical imper- 
fections to the gaze of a pitiless world. Either a fat old 
woman or a scrawny young one should be wise enough to 
court the favoring and softening influences of high necks and 
any other devices for lessening the obviousness of their 
defects of form. 

PLAIN SATINS AND VELVETS, ETC. 

Plain satins and velvets and rich dark brocades, if pro- 
perly made up, are becoming to any one. It is the fashion- 
able colors — -the latest thing out—that so often tempt wbmen 
to violate all the canons of good taste in the matter of dress. 

LACING. 

Tight-lacing is an abomination in the sight of angels 
and men. It not only sacrifices health, but it deforms 
nature, and no deformity can be lovely. Why women will 
truss themselves up, as many do, is one of the mysteries 
past finding out. They thus destroy their own comfort and 
take on a stiffness which makes grace as impossible to them 
as to a saw-horse. 

STUDY HARMONY OF COLORS. 

A study in the harmony of colors is one that every 



DRESS. 313 

woman ought to make. A mixture of blue and yellow in a 
costume is something that none but a back-country girl 
might be expected to venture upon, yet we sometimes find 
our eyes offended by such a combination by women who 
assume to be exponents of fashion. Similarly, we should 
expect only ladies of color to trick themselves out in blue, 
yet many brunettes in the high social swim set one's teeth on 
edge by wearing a color that only one with golden hair and 
fair complexion should choose. 

Light brown hair also requires blue, but black hair 
should be set off by scarlet, orange or white. One with red- 
dish hair may tone it down with scarlet. Where the hair is 
a golden red, blue, green, purple or black will look well. 
One with a fair, delicate complexion should wear delicate 
tints, such as pea-green, light blue and mauve. Where the 
hair is without natural richness it may be livened up by a 
judicious choice of colors. A pale yellowish green, for 
instance, by reflection will produce the lacking warmth of 
j tone. Where one has no eye for color, there is all the more 
reason for caution. Such a person should consult the judg- 
ment of a friend in choosing colors, having a care always 
that the friend's eye shall not be as dead as her own to har- 
mony. 



WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 

The etiquette of the national capital is not exactly the 
same as that observed elsewhere. It is less democratic, more 
formal and perhaps less worthy of general imitation than 
that prevailing in ordinary society. When Thomas Jefferson 
was president of the United States he introduced an era of 
simplicity at the capital that was in striking contrast with 
the courtly manners and forms which were established under 
the presidency of Gen. Washington, and since Jefferson's 
time there has never been that aping of royalty by the execu- 
tive or his subordinates that had previously been observed. 
Yet Washington social forms still preserve many of the old 
ideas of caste and precedence, and the president and his offi- 
cial household are hedged about with conventionalities sug- 
gestive of a royal court. 

PRESIDENT AND FAMILY. 

For example, the president and his family neither make 

nor return calls. They are at the head of official society and 

their lead is religiously followed. The social season i3 opened 

by the White House reception, ending, of course with the 

beginning of Lent. 

WASHINGTON SOCIETY. 

Washington society is composed of three classes. First, 

there is the official class, with the president at its head. It 

includes all officers elected by the people or appointed by the 

.317 



3l8 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 

president in the three branches of the government, as well as 
the officials appointed by the executive in the various depart- 
ments, with the members of their families. This includes 
officers of the army and navy and the marine corps ; govern- 
ment officials holding places in the different states of the 
union, and officers of the diplomatic and consular services of 
the United States who may happen to be at the capital. 

The second class includes members of the diplomatic 
and consular services of foreign countries, officers of foreign 
governments, and of officers of state or municipal govern- 
ments of the United States who may be in the city. 

The third class comprises visitors of other places whose 
social position at home entitles them to recognition, and per- 
manent residents— that is, either those who are rich or occupy 
high professional or business positions. The department 
clerks and their families have no recognized social standing. 

OFFICIAL RANK. 

Official rank is established in the following order, partly 
by constitutional recognition, partly by law and partly by 
usage : 

The president. 

The vice-president, or, when the office of vice-president 
is vacant, the president of the senate pro tempore. 

The chief justice of the United States. 

Senators. 

The speaker of the House. 

Representatives in Congress. 



WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 319 

Associate justices of the United States. 

Members of the cabinet in the order of their succession 
to the presidency as established by law, as follows : 

The secretary of state. 

The secretary of the treasury. 

The secretary of war. 

The attorney general. 

The postmaster general. 

The secretary of the navy. 

The secretary of the interior. 

Members of the foreign diplomatic corps. 

The general of the army and the admiral of the navy. 

The governors of states.. 

The justices of the court of claims. 

Circuit and district judges of the United States. 

Chief justices and associates of the territories and the 
District of Columbia. 

The lieutenant-general and vice-admiral. 

Major-generals, rear admirals and officers of the staff of 
equal rank. 

Brigadier-generals and commodores, chiefs of semi- 
independent civil bureaus, chiefs of department bureaus in 
the order of their chief officers. 

Colonels of the navy, staff officers of equal rank, the 
colonel of the marine corps. 

Consuls-general and consuls of foreign governments, 
and the same of the United States. 

Lieutenant-colonels and majors of the army, and com- 



320 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 

manders and lieutenant-commanders of the navy, and staff 
officers of equal rank. 

The commissioners of the District of Columbia, govern- 
ors of territories and lieutenants of the army and navy. 

Captains, first and second lieutenants of the army, lieu- 
tenants, masters and ensigns of the navy, and staff officers 
of equal rank. 

Assistant secretaries of executive department, secretaries 
of legation, secretaries of the Senate and House, and clerk 
of the supreme court. 

The wives of persons holding these various official posi- 
tions take precedence with their husbands. 

OFFICIAL CALLS. 

It was said in another place that the president never 
returns calls, but there is an exception to be noted. He 
returns the call of a sovereign, president or ruler of an inde- 
pendent state, but these invariably pay the first visit. The 
vice-president and members of the senate receive first calls 
from the associate justices of the supreme court of the United 
States, the members of the cabinet, the foreign ministers and 
others below them. The rule also applies to their families. 

Members of the House call first upon all persons in the 
higher grades. The speaker of the House does the same. 

The associate justices of the supreme court receive the 
first call from all officers except the president, vice-president 
and members of the Senate. 

Foreign ministers pay the first call to the secretary of 



WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 32 I 

state and other members of the cabinet, but the first call on 
families of foreign ministers is made by the families of the 
cabinet officers. 

Strangers of distinction visiting the capital make the 
first call on resident officials of the same rank. Strangers 
arriving in Washington should pay the first call and leave a 
card, and this visit should be returned within a couple of 
days. This applies as well to social as to official visits. 

Newly appointed officials of whatever grade pay the first 
visit to those above them, receiving the first call from those 
below. 

With the exception noted in the case of calls on the fami- 
lies of foreign ministers, these regulations in regard to calls 
of ceremony paid by officials apply to the ladies of their fami- 
lies. 

RECEPTION DAYS. 

Eeception days are set apart by the wives of prominent 
officials and other ladies of high social position. These 
receptions are very democratic in character. Invitations are 
not issued, and anybody of reputable fame and suitably 
dressed may attend. Gentlemen may go either with or with- 
out ladies. It is optional with the host whether he makes his 
appearance. The usual hours for these receptions are from 
3 to 6 p. m. Following are the days as they have been 
allotted by custom to the wives of the various officials : 

Mondays, the wives of the justices of the supreme 
court and the ladies of Capitol Hill. 

Tuesdays, the families of the speaker of the House and 



32 2 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 

the representatives in Congress ; also, of the general of the 
army. 

Wednesdays, the families of cabinet officers. 

Thursdays, the families of the vice-president and mem- 
bers of the senate. 

Fridays, ladies not included in the official circle. 

Saturdays, the mistress of the "White House. 

ETIQUETTE OF RECEPTIONS. 

The etiquette of these receptions is quite simple. On 
arriving you hand your card to the usher, if there be one, 
and he announces your name. In the absence of that func- 
tionary, you drop your card in the receiver in the hall, enter 
the reception-room, and, if unknown to the lady of the house, 
pronounce your own name in a distinct voice. After exchang- 
ing the usual civilities, pass on to make way for other callers. 
Eefreshments are generally provided at these afternoon recep- 
tions and guests are expected to pass almost immediately 
from the drawing-room, to the dining-room, but haste in 
this, of course, is to be avoided, as must the appearance of 
eating a substantial meal, once in the room where the refresh- 
ments are served. It is enough to taste a bit of salad, drink a 
cup of tea or eat an ice. When departing, take leave of the 
hostess. 

Gentlemen on such occasions wear frock coats, light- 
colored trousers, tan-colored gloves and quiet ties. They may 
keep their hats in hand, but they must leave their overcoats 
in the hall. Street costumes are worn by the ladies. The 



WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 323 

evening receptions in Washington do not materially differ 
from evening receptions held elsewhere, and the same gen- 
eral rules govern. 

THE WHITE HOUSE. 

The Saturday afternoon receptions given by the lady of 
the White House are more especially intended for ladies, but 
men are not barred. The dress is the same as that for the 
afternoon receptions of the ladies of the cabinet. The eti- 
quette is the same as that observed at the president's evening 
receptions, which are held on Thursdays from 8 to 11 p. m. 
To these no invitations are sent, any one in suitable attire 
being admitted. Full dress is not essential, though usual, 
the rule being relaxed in favor of travelers, who may appear 
in any dark dress, the ladies without bonnets. 

On reaching the entrance of the W T hite House, ladies are 
shown to the cloak-rooms, where they receive checks for their 
wraps, after which they join the throng and pass on to the 
reception-room. Each person should mention his own name 
and that of the lady who accompanies him to the official who 
makes the introductions to the president. This functionary, 
?isually the marshal of the District of Columbia or the engin- 
eer of the public buildings, then presents the gentlemen to the 
president, and the former, after shaking hands, presents the 
lady he is escorting, then both pass on to the lady who is 
receiving, who stands at the president's right. An official 
stands ready to present the couple. The lady may either bow 
or shake hands, but the gentleman merely bows. They then 
pass on immediately, conversation being strictly barred by the 
exigencies of the situation, Visitors may remain in the White 



324 WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 

House as long as they choose, and they are not expected to 
make their farewells to the president and his wife. 

Business calls on the president may be made at the 
executive office at proper hours. The visitor on being shown 
to the president's ante-room will hand his card to the offi- 
cial in attendance, who will deliver it at the proper time. 
Meanwhile the visitor will take a seat and await the pleas- 
ure of the president, who may not be able to see him that 
day. If the caller has no business with the president, but 
merely wishes to pay his respects, the fact should be indi- 
cated on the visitor's card. This will ensure the earliest- 
reception possible. When admitted to the president's office, 
the visitor should mention his name and residence, and, after 
bowing and shaking hands, should say a few words and 
give way to others. Where there is a party together, the first 
to enter should introduce the others. 

SOCIAL ETIQUETTE UNDER PRESIDENT JEFFERSON. 

It may be interesting in this connection to reproduce 
the form of social etiquette prepared by Mr. Jefferson and 
observed at the capital in early days. It was as follows : 

"I. In order to bring the members of society together 
in the first instance, the custom of the country has estab- 
lished that residents shall pay the first visit to strangers, 
and, among strangers, first-comers to latter-comers, foreign 
and domestic ; the character of stranger ceasing after the first 
visits. To this rule there is a single exception. Foreign 
ministers from the necessity of making themselves known, 
pay the first visit to the ministers of the nation, which is 
returned. 



WASHINGTON ETIQUETTE. 325 

"II. When brought together in society, all are perfectly 
equal, whether foreign or domestic, titled or untitled, in or 
out of office. 

"All other observances are but exemplifications of these 
two principles. 

"I. 1st. The families of foreign ministers, arriving at 
the seat of government, receive the first visit from those of 
national ministers, as from all other residents. 

"2. Members of the legislature and the judiciary, inde- 
pendent of their offices, have a right as strangers to receive 
the first visit. 

"II. 1st. No title being admitted here, those of the for- 
eigners give no precedence. 

"2d. Differences of grade among the diplomatic mem- 
bers gives no precedence, 

"3d. At public ceremonies, to which the government 
invites the presence of foreign ministers and their families, a 
convenient seat or station will be provided for them, with any 
other strangers invited and the families of the national min- 
isters, each taking place as they arrive, and without any pre- 
cedence. 

"4th. To maintain the principle of equality, or of pela 

mela, and prevent the growth of precedence out of courtesy, 

the members of the executive will practice at their own 

houses, and recommend an adherence to the ancient usage of 

the country, of the gentlemen in mass giving precedence to 

the ladies in mass, in passing from one apartment where 

they are assembled into another." 
21 



H 



?^>a£ 



^d^. 



-a>6 



& 






<L&&&£ 



INVITATION TO A CHURCH WEDDING. 
329 













INVITATION TO A HOME WEDDING. 
330 






iEZ-3**-^sS<z-£^S»^€2^-^«-i5 



■9&&&012-. 



& 



■£<?&■ ^^P&44*- 






jrj#0 



ANNOUNCEMENT OF MARRIAGE. 
331 



t^^-Z^O^ 






to^£ *s^tz^^£ ■&■ J -e>^t^c<^j 



S*^ 



FORMAL INVITATION TO DINNER. 

iter 






■Z2>?^c£ 



■C-C^ 






d^e-^^e^-c- ■&- J -o^c^>i/ l C'.^ 



■l^&^C^dy 



INFORMAL DINNER INVITATION. 
333 



jes* 









AN INFORMAL REGRET TO A DINNER. 
334 



J?#0 



^&ir&<& 






^cr. 



FORMAL ACCEPTANCE, DINNER INVITATION. 
335 



■ 111 I I. ■ 



-W4i-.ii'ii'ii i ■ . ■ - 



^L. 


(pi^^^zz^z^- — )y-^t^>z^^dy 




— ><y>£ -~^x&c*<?<pz^&' 


<*&& ^_ly -^i^^d^a^a^-j (^^^~ eZ^a^S^^z^S^. 




/■&H3> «Z^> j£frt£^- &■ J €>&€>t>&, 


jf <p-a>64^t>£ ^iyi^&^. 



ENGRAVED CARD.— AN INVITATION TO TEA. 



-z^t^Z-C^^t- 



p^ €*4?4^Z^Z^Z^ -tZ^r < = j£/&9&?&€>£- J 



SftfS' 



BLANK CARD FOR DINNER INVITATION. 
336 







&?■ -??&&&4> 





INVITATION TO THEATRE PARTY. 



(lP <^>9^^>ci>y-g^ ■&>£ ^^f-i^^ez^^^izd^, 



■/■/; 



rz^ 



■&^&&- ■&■ 



INVITATION TO BREAKFAST. 
337 




INVITATION TO MUSICALE. 



^_^y/n^^. -^?»^>r^ ^^yy^i^C-. c=>1^^zj^3^?>€z^€' 




^S^Zc Y^^^^^^- 


^-^/^c^-^t^a^c^-^. 


(^y 1 ■zx^o^t^z^zp-j ■^^y'rc^z^c^C' -CS '■&&>£/£, 




*z>£ -y^t»&tg- ■& J -o£eio&. 


_^€. 


■& ^^^^t^^s-e^e^/^- C^S&^e^. 


«*. — S-r?^ez^lZ <=J)//-ci>7-t>&-&-. 



INVITATION TO SMALL DANCE. 
338 



Archibald Gray. 



THEODORE SYLVANUS ORTON. 



DCXTMR CLUB. 



Hamilton Williams, 



247 EUCLID AVENUE. 



PRESENT STYLE IN CARDS. 
339 



-C2>£^£^ 



^& ^^5/-£^^ez<?^<£ \^*/ &£^e2x>&. 



'^SW>£*£. yS&zo^^y- cdZs. ^&&^l*m£c£-. 



27/ EXETER COURT, 



24 PARK ROW. 



PRESENT STYLE IN CARDS. 
340 



8350 












«2» 






,;, 



^ .VVL-, '*> 



*„ ^ »*41Bfcv -^ ^ 



: $Bf /% : $?k- : /\ '-fab s\ : °^w) 3& 



V *i •• * c* 












y v™V V^V %^V V^* 

0&Va\ ^ >* -*^fe*. ** A * .'aVa\ ^. ,** .'4fe*. *.■ *♦ 









"Sfc**" . 



V* 1 









.• ^°- 



r : j- "**, •■ 






^ o°*.^>>o /\c^4.\ c°*.^t% S s&kr 



j. "*. • 






«P^ * • » o 



• ^ a^ »VvVaV "^ c^ *Ya(Bf. ^ ^> 






■-^Rf-> v ^/^.^>^ X'^V %/^.^>^ ^ 


































;^*>°... v^v v^v \;^-> «* 














- 



•y\ ; »w- /\ 



<J> »..«° ^ 







WFRT 

BOOMJINDiNC 

MIDDLET0WN PA 

APRIL 82 

W f > ( O.^f.i,. Jluw 



I^.«J^%^ .,**\..--.^ ,P*.iL'.*Q, A * 



IT^ .♦ 














win 



MamEBM 

BapHtfiB 

BffflffBHBM 

HH 

BH BBB1 



Hi 

■ 



Sill 





ua 



JH 

|9h| 




«— ft 
— 

1 Bl 




